The Official Silliness Thread Salutes Your Yearbook and Aweful Past Trends

I browsed through my middle and high school yearbooks recently, while drinking cold, depreciating mugs of Pigs Eye beer. Taking care not to drip the dying slags of falling frost upon the aged pages, I wrestled with an obvious truth concerning yearbook nostalgia: We look silly. We act silly. We have silly sayings we believe are cool. We rely upon certain people to be the "in crowd" while others more substantial fade into the background. We have silly hair styles and clothing. We spent money on toys, games, and music that quickly goes out of style. We even made David Soul and Kajagoogoo pop music phenoms.

And that my fellow FReepers and lurkers is just plain SILLY and that's a jolly good excuse to post old photos, songs you love/hate, dances you did/didn't do, clothes you wore/took off, and/or your normal misgivings about all things involving the presidency of Jimmy Carter.

EMPLOYER SPEAK:what it says/what it means...

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION
You'll make under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY
You'll make under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY
We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance we'll be the next Mircosoft.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN
Once the higher-ups share it, there won't be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

SALES POSTITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
We're not going to supply leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED
Management won't answer questions.

WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $50 co-pay.

PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS
After three years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k). If you behave, we'll give a 3 percent matching contribution.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
... who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don't pay enough for you to dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT
We have a high staff turnover.

EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and weekends on yachts.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT
Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT
We booze it up at company parties.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

SALARY RANGE $24K-$32K
We'll offer you $22K to start.

A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION
You'll give boring speeches on your own time.

FLEXIBLE HOURS
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED
Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.

CAREER-MINDED
Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON
If you're old or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We've filled the job; our call for resumés is a formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates; you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
You whine, you're fired.

ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY
We loooooove brown nosers.

John Kerry Tries To Tell Other Jokes

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, but 15 if the blondes are some of our nation's farmers.

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Interrupting Politician who accidentally insults constituents!
Interrupting Politician who accidentally insults const—
SENIOR CITIZENS ARE LAZY!

Last night I had this dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up, my pillow was gone! I'm thinking it was probably stolen by a WWII veteran and sold for drugs.

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “Get out. God is dead and religion is the opiate of the masses.”

Q: How do you know an elephant's been in your refrigerator? A: By the footprints in the ashes of 911 victims. I mean, 911 victims' pizza. Wait a second. Just pizza.

Q: What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire?
A: A teacher who gives blood tests, but remains employed due to the strength of corrupt unions.

Take my wife, please. Seriously, women are useless.

Three men are stranded on an island when they find an old lamp. They rub it. Suddenly, a genie appears and offers to grant them each one wish. The first man wishes to be off the island and, poof, he's gone. The second man wishes to be off the island, and poof, he's gone. The third man says, “Gee, I'm really lonely. I wish the Jews wouldn't start all the wars in the world.”

A waiter brings a restaurant patron a bowl of soup. The patron notices a fly and says, “Hey, there's a fly in my soup.” The waiter replies, “Yes. Unfortunately our chef is Latino.”

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To head into the army recruiting office so he could fight in Iraq. Oh, wait. I told that wrong. I forgot to say the chicken was retarded.

Little Red Riding Hood
The Politically Correct Version

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.

"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.

"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!

This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

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