Posted on 09/26/2006 12:31:56 PM PDT by meandog
Subject: Why English teachers die young?
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2.. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
This is too derivative of Douglas Adams. This must have been a contest to write the worst analogy. Most of these look like they were written with that in mind, rather than unintentionally.
A day without orange juice is like a day without sunshine, which is like . . . night.
I'm supposed to believe that high school students are making metaphors using pop culture references from when they were in diapers?
SD
Hey now.
:)
The title DOES say "an oldie but goodie." ;)
I never metaphor I didn't "like."
SD
"We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun"
Kerry is like that or so a crack sausage.
Ooooh, great idea for a youtube video.
That sounds as if it's from Blackadder.Is it?
I’d also bet on something of that nature.
.
DEAR MR. JHONS [Dixon wrote, gripping his pencil like a bread knife]. This is just to let you no that I no what you are up to with yuong Marleen Richards, yuong Marleen is a desent girl and has no tim for your sort, I no your sort. She is a desent girl and I wo’nt have you filing her head with a lot of art and music, she is too good for that, and I am going to mary her which is more than your sort ever do. So just you keep of her, Mr. Jhons this will be your olny warning. This is just a freindly letter and I am not threatenning you, but you just do as I say else me and some of my palls from the Works will be up your way and we sha’nt be coming along just to say “How do” you can bet. So just you wach out and lay of yuong Marleen if you no whats good for you, yours fathfully, Joe Higgins.He read it through, thinking how admirably consistent were the style and orthography. Both derived, in large part, from the essays of some of his less proficient pupils. He could hardly hope, even so, to deceive Johns for long, especially since Johns had almost certainly got no further with Marlene Richards, a typist in his office, than staring palely at her across it. But the letter would at any rate give him a turn and his dig-mates a few moments’ amusement when it was opened, according to his habit, at the breakfast table and read over cornflakes. Dixon wrote, “To:--Mr. Jhons,” and the address of the digs on a cheap envelope not specially bought for the purpose, sealed the letter up in it and then, griming his finger on the floor, drew a heavy smudge across the flap. Finally he stuck a stamp on, slobbering on it for further verisimilitude.
— Kingsley Amis, Lucky Jim.
Hide them from the weasels...
OMG!! LOL
Bingo.
SD
Blackadder "So has syphilis".
#23 is LOL funny.
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