Funniest One-Liners

Sky News (U.K.) ^ | 8/14/06 | Staff

[Millee]

Peter Kay's "Garlic bread, it's the future - I've tasted it" has been voted the best comedy one-liner ever.

The line featured in his one-man show and was later aired in his cult comedy Phoenix Nights.

It's funny, but is it really the funniest line ever? Is there a one-liner you can think of that has had you in stitches? Have you ever had your work colleagues cracking up with a one-line beauty?

[Doomonyou]

He's so tight you couldn't pull a pin out of his ass with a tractor.

[EveningStar]

Did you hear about the girl who shaved her legs and wrecked 'em?

[Velveeta]

I'll tell you my favorite "knock-knock" joke, but you have to start...

[Doomonyou]

I don't think so, Scooter.

[EveningStar]

Very funny, Scotty - now, beam down my clothes.

[Sax]

No, what' the punchline?

[Sax]

Shortest joke:

A baby seal walks into a club.

[EveningStar]

:)

[fredhead]

"Cameron is so tight, if you stuck a lump of coal up his a$$, in a week you'd have a diamond." - from Ferris Bueller's Day Off

[EveningStar]

I know that you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

[Froufrou]

My wife said if I didn't quit drinking she'd leave me. I'm gonna miss her.

[Varmint Al]

You Know You're Getting Older When:
-----------------------------------

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You're still chasing women but can't remember why.

A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."

You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a
second coat.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.

You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.

You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.

The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine
cabinet.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Concern is the first time you cant do it the second time.
Panic is the second time you cant do it the first time.
Old age is when you cant remember what it is. Good Hunting... from Varmint Al

[EveningStar]

I don't drink any more, but I don't drink any less either.

[bwteim]

" It's not how deep you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm.
That's what PapaT's t-shirt says, anyway.
:-)"

In this case, Papa knows best;)

[Armedanddangerous]

From Steven Colbert

"Ohio has produced twenty-four astronauts. Congresswoman, what is it about Ohio that make people want to flee the earth?"

[Froufrou]

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

[Armedanddangerous]

From Larry The Cable Guy,,,,

"I had a job at the swimmin pool...until the blue kid got me fired."

[teenyelliott]

Yo mama so fat, she need a map to find her butt.

[bwteim]

That is so true!