Posted on 07/21/2006 5:56:55 AM PDT by CT-Freeper
Did you ever notice that the gas grill is the man's domain? Even in homes where the man of the house has never prepared a single meal in the kitchen -- unless you count pulling a package of Pop Tarts out of the box -- as soon as it's decided that dinner will be cooked on the gas grill, the man of the house eagerly dons his "Born to Barbecue" apron and announces to no one in particular, "OK, let's do some grillin'!!"
Of course, there are some men who enjoy all forms of cooking and know their way around the kitchen quite well. And then there are normal guys: those who wouldn't know which room in the house actually is the kitchen except that when they first moved into the house and rolled the refrigerator right next to the reclining chair in the living room (a very good location if you ask me), their wives exclaimed, "The fridge goes in the kitchen! No, honey, that's the dining room. Over here. See the linoleum floor, the sink, the stove? That's right. Good boy. Here's a doggie treat. Now go out to the truck and bring in the sofa. No, honey, that's a closet door. The front door is over there. That's right. Good boy."
Men are usually in charge of the gas grill because it employs an element of nature that gets men very excited: bikinis. No wait, wrong element of nature. Gas grills utilize a different element of nature that gets men just as excited, if not more excited, than bikinis: fire.
Thousands of years ago it was men who first discovered fire. Women did not discover fire because they were back home deciding which corner of the cave was the best place to locate the refrigerator. Just like that famous Greek guy, Archimedes, who exclaimed, "Eureka!" when he discovered the bubble bath, the first guy to discover fire -- his name was Ooog -- also uttered a memorable word. Upon discovering fire, Ooog exclaimed, "Aaaiiieeee!!!" The fire Ooog discovered was a brush fire caused by lightning.
Ooog looked at it curiously, and then thought to himself, "I wonder if that is just as refreshing to jump into as a cool stream?" Moments later, a smoldering Ooog declared his historic pronouncement.
Soon after, it was men who discovered that food tastes a lot better when it's placed in fire for a while. The specific guy who first discovered this important fact -- his name was Mooog -- offered these historic words, "Not bad, but Ooog would taste even better with ketchup."
Gas grilles are pretty much the only way for modern men to be in touch with their primitive side these days. Face it, in our society we are not allowed to have fun with fire. If you even own a cigarette lighter the Smoking Nazis want to lock you up. It's now against the law to burn piles of leaves in the Fall. If you start a fire in the fireplace, someone is sure to say, "Fireplace soot is bad for little Leonard's asthma! Put that out at once or I'll call the Soot Nazis!" And I need not mention that in these "politically correct" times, it is no longer socially acceptable to entertain the neighborhood kids by breaking out Uncle Mike's World War II surplus flamethrower.
So modern men are basically flame-less these days -- except when it comes to the gas grill season. Then, thankfully, we are allowed to singe our eyebrows and arm hair to our heart's content.
Guys, in the immortal words of our pioneering forebears, please join me in a hearty, "Aaaiiieeee!!!"
Bill Dunn is a free-lance writer who resides in Torrington. He can be reached via his Web site at: www.boomertrek.com.
I am an oddball, I have always felt electricity to be more he-man stuff than fire, because fire usually can't kill you with a touch.
Ha! I was chopping onions for simmering hotdogs in beer around noon on a saturday, something exciting just appeared on the tv so I looked up and sliced my finger - not really bad, but good enough that there was blood running freely. My teenager and his buddy were on the sofa, so I said I cut off the tip of my thumb as I held up my bloody hand. Then I sliced the tip of a hotdog, smeared it with the blood and threw it at them.
It landed in one of their laps and they just froze, motionless. Another good laugh for the old man.
Just keep it clean, please; no obscene or propane puns, though rare, will be tolerated and violators will be skewered.
I'm a charcoal grill guy myself. I grill almost year round. I was out on the deck with a winter coat on in february, grilling up a storm. I love grilling, chilling out on the deck. It's nirvana. Gas grills? I guess it's convenient, but I like my charcoal smoker/grill.
OTOH, at the Wouldnt household, I, the wifey, had no choice but to take to the grill. Mr. Wouldnt's work hours got him home late and there was always some chore, such as mowing the huge yard, that had to be done.
If we waited for Mr. Wouldnt to have time to grill, we'd be eating boiled hotdogs for months on end.
Not acceptable. So I finally got up the courage to approach the fire (after DH, of course, started the grill and assured me it was okay to go near it). Over time, he would mow and I would grill.
Now no one can get me away from the thing. I finally learned how to turn it on myself and began grilling any and everything that can be grilled. DH is glad to sit down to a nice grillteller on the deck after a long day's office work followed by a couple hours of manual labor. I even let him eat while he's still sweaty and dirty, if he wants to. :-)
It does figure that in Connecticutt, gas grills are considered manly.
I like to put a half filled capped plastic bottle of gasoline in the fire to really get things going.
Who needs fireworks!
Sax, you ain't right neither! Where do you guys think up this sh!t????
But it's damn funny though!
I'm an equal opportunity jokester.
"Born to Barbecue" apron and announces to no one in particular, "OK, let's do some grillin'!!"
Sounds like "Effin" Kerry: "Can I get me a huntin' license here?"
I have one of these bad boys. I like it a lot:
http://www.chargriller.com/
I haven't tried baking a cake on a grill either, what I do is put some sliced fresh fruit, brown sugar, butter, some lemon and/or lime juice and spice (one or more of: fresh ground allspice, cinnamon, nutmeg, fresh ground cardamom) on a double wrap of heavy duty foil and toss it on the grill when the meat is done. When you are ready for dessert, spoon the fruit (still hot) over vanilla ice cream.
Mine's the super pro:
http://www.chargriller.com/shop/grills/super-pro.html
Real men use hardwood.
http://www.primogrill.com/
Reminds me of something when I was a preteen. My dad burned garbage in a steel 55 gallon barrel. One day, when he wasn't looking, we threw a can of mom's hairspray in the fire. Looking back, it's a good thing he wasn't standing close when it went off. He did have to change his underwear though.
Dangit...ya'll are makin me hungry!!!!
Even if everybody else here thinks you two are a pain in the ash, I think you're both pretty coal, and always try to stay on the lighter side of things. Although I'm just a minor, amateur annoyance, I really do try to emulate big time pro pains like you two.
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