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Gas grills bring out guys' primitive side
Waterbury (CT) Republican-American ^ | Friday, July 21, 2006 | Bill Dunn

Posted on 07/21/2006 5:56:55 AM PDT by CT-Freeper

Did you ever notice that the gas grill is the man's domain? Even in homes where the man of the house has never prepared a single meal in the kitchen -- unless you count pulling a package of Pop Tarts out of the box -- as soon as it's decided that dinner will be cooked on the gas grill, the man of the house eagerly dons his "Born to Barbecue" apron and announces to no one in particular, "OK, let's do some grillin'!!"

Of course, there are some men who enjoy all forms of cooking and know their way around the kitchen quite well. And then there are normal guys: those who wouldn't know which room in the house actually is the kitchen except that when they first moved into the house and rolled the refrigerator right next to the reclining chair in the living room (a very good location if you ask me), their wives exclaimed, "The fridge goes in the kitchen! No, honey, that's the dining room. Over here. See the linoleum floor, the sink, the stove? That's right. Good boy. Here's a doggie treat. Now go out to the truck and bring in the sofa. No, honey, that's a closet door. The front door is over there. That's right. Good boy."

Men are usually in charge of the gas grill because it employs an element of nature that gets men very excited: bikinis. No wait, wrong element of nature. Gas grills utilize a different element of nature that gets men just as excited, if not more excited, than bikinis: fire.

Thousands of years ago it was men who first discovered fire. Women did not discover fire because they were back home deciding which corner of the cave was the best place to locate the refrigerator. Just like that famous Greek guy, Archimedes, who exclaimed, "Eureka!" when he discovered the bubble bath, the first guy to discover fire -- his name was Ooog -- also uttered a memorable word. Upon discovering fire, Ooog exclaimed, "Aaaiiieeee!!!" The fire Ooog discovered was a brush fire caused by lightning.

Ooog looked at it curiously, and then thought to himself, "I wonder if that is just as refreshing to jump into as a cool stream?" Moments later, a smoldering Ooog declared his historic pronouncement.

Soon after, it was men who discovered that food tastes a lot better when it's placed in fire for a while. The specific guy who first discovered this important fact -- his name was Mooog -- offered these historic words, "Not bad, but Ooog would taste even better with ketchup."

Gas grilles are pretty much the only way for modern men to be in touch with their primitive side these days. Face it, in our society we are not allowed to have fun with fire. If you even own a cigarette lighter the Smoking Nazis want to lock you up. It's now against the law to burn piles of leaves in the Fall. If you start a fire in the fireplace, someone is sure to say, "Fireplace soot is bad for little Leonard's asthma! Put that out at once or I'll call the Soot Nazis!" And I need not mention that in these "politically correct" times, it is no longer socially acceptable to entertain the neighborhood kids by breaking out Uncle Mike's World War II surplus flamethrower.

So modern men are basically flame-less these days -- except when it comes to the gas grill season. Then, thankfully, we are allowed to singe our eyebrows and arm hair to our heart's content.

Guys, in the immortal words of our pioneering forebears, please join me in a hearty, "Aaaiiieeee!!!"

Bill Dunn is a free-lance writer who resides in Torrington. He can be reached via his Web site at: www.boomertrek.com.


TOPICS:
KEYWORDS: grilling; grunt; humor; men; mongolovebrats; ugh
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To: dirtboy

It's a wonder Big Jim and the Twins didn't sustain some damage.


121 posted on 07/21/2006 7:41:27 AM PDT by FearlessFreep (Excuse me. But are those your legs or are you riding a chicken?)
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To: FreedomPoster

Works great! That's how I do it!


122 posted on 07/21/2006 7:41:30 AM PDT by RedRightReturn (Even a broken clock is right twice a day...)
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To: FearlessFreep
Big Jim and the Twins
Has their new album come out yet?
123 posted on 07/21/2006 7:43:07 AM PDT by posterchild (The beer flowed like wine.)
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To: Constitution Day

Yeah, I saw it. Is your cabin in the Red Zone? Are you on the 64 or 97 side.


124 posted on 07/21/2006 7:44:05 AM PDT by FearlessFreep (Excuse me. But are those your legs or are you riding a chicken?)
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To: CT-Freeper
Amazingly, my in-laws, who were over for a 4th of July picnic, had never heard of grilling corn.

Wow, what a pity. I bet they loved it!

My dad & I grow "Bodacious" hybrid corn. We grew Silver Queen for years, then switched to Kandy Korn for a couple years.

Bodacious is hands down the best in my book.

My wife blanched and froze 8 dozen ears... they sure will be good come winter!

125 posted on 07/21/2006 7:46:15 AM PDT by Constitution Day (Down with Half-Assery!)
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To: posterchild

Has their new album come out yet?

------

are you talking about the one titled...

"I've Never Kissed A Parrot But I've Kissed A Cockatoo"


126 posted on 07/21/2006 7:46:22 AM PDT by FearlessFreep (Excuse me. But are those your legs or are you riding a chicken?)
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To: CT-Freeper
"And then there are normal guys: those who wouldn't know which room in the house actually is the kitchen except..."

These are not normal guys. In fact, any such man, if indeed he exists, is obviously playing games, psychotic, or mentally retarded.

I'm a vegetarian. So is my wife. She hates to cook. I don't much like it, but I don't mind it like she does. We eat out a lot, but much of the time I tell her just to talk with me or read or do whatever she wants and I'll prepare the meal. She's a concert musician, and it's wonderful when she plays the piano or the harpsichord while I put dinner together. Then in some beautiful and amiable setting, of which we have designed many for our home, we dine together. Sometimes it's a magnificent dinner with fabulous wine. Sometimes it's veggieburgers. Sometimes it's leftovers. Sometimes I order a pizza or Chinese or Tai take-out. We've been married for 46 years.

I always find it annoying when somebody decides to define masculinity--at least in such silly, trendy aspects.

Every man can define it for himself.

Frankly, I myself am the gold standard. If anyone wants to know what a man is, here I am--a perfect--though obviously only one of innumerable--example.

127 posted on 07/21/2006 7:46:29 AM PDT by Savage Beast (9/11 was never repeated--thanks to President George Bush.)
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To: Vinnie

Definitely start the veggies first. We usually just use a couple of layers of aluminum foil with a little cooking spray on it. Love grilled onions and shrooms..mmmm. We do the red peppers and zuccini right on the grill. Good eats!


128 posted on 07/21/2006 7:46:56 AM PDT by Huck (George Allen--the GOP version of Al Gore.)
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To: SoothingDave

I'm amazed it took so long for an image of Hank to appear on the thread, now that I think about it.


129 posted on 07/21/2006 7:47:29 AM PDT by FreedomPoster (Guns themselves are fairly robust; their chief enemies are rust and politicians) (NRA)
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To: RedRightReturn

Yep, I'm a Jersey boy. I don't have an exit # though. I'm in Wantage Twp., Sussex County, just a few miles south of High Point. I call it the West Virginia of New Jersey. Life is good!


130 posted on 07/21/2006 7:48:38 AM PDT by Huck (George Allen--the GOP version of Al Gore.)
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To: mewzilla
Hardwood lump charcoal rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
131 posted on 07/21/2006 7:48:55 AM PDT by pepperhead (Kennedy's float, Mary Jo's don't!)
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To: CT-Freeper
Amazingly, my in-laws, who were over for a 4th of July picnic, had never heard of grilling corn.

I used to work with a guy whose girlfriend (at the time) called her mom to report "He's drunk. He's putting corn on the grill."

SD

132 posted on 07/21/2006 7:48:56 AM PDT by SoothingDave
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To: bmwcyle

See my #110 for another way to skin that cat.


133 posted on 07/21/2006 7:49:26 AM PDT by FreedomPoster (Guns themselves are fairly robust; their chief enemies are rust and politicians) (NRA)
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To: FearlessFreep

It's on the S side of the river, the 64 side. I live not far from there, just outside Rocky Mount.

The cabin is definitely in the Red Zone. During Floyd there was 7' of water inside.
There has been a cabin there since the 50's when my grandfather built the first one, but some jackass burned it down in 1989.

We rebuilt it with concrete block the following year, so not only is it nearly fireproof, we can just pressure wash it inside and out when it floods.

Usually if we know it's going to flood, we will put the furniture up where the water can't reach.

However the water rose so quickly after the remnants of Alberto that we couldn't get down there, and now we've had to trash all the furniture.


134 posted on 07/21/2006 7:49:47 AM PDT by Constitution Day (Down with Half-Assery!)
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To: Constitution Day

Aaaah, a man and his grill. Life is good indeed. Enjoy the good times.


135 posted on 07/21/2006 7:50:04 AM PDT by Huck (George Allen--the GOP version of Al Gore.)
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To: mollynme
I never struggle to get mine charcoal lit. But I do have to worry about flashbacks and losing arm hair. But hay, that is a small price to pay just to play with all that fire!
136 posted on 07/21/2006 7:51:12 AM PDT by pepperhead (Kennedy's float, Mary Jo's don't!)
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To: Vinnie

I have made pizza on mine. Used a little half spent charcoal, it wasn't that bad.


137 posted on 07/21/2006 7:54:32 AM PDT by pepperhead (Kennedy's float, Mary Jo's don't!)
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To: Huck

I'm on the way....I'll get some ribs and be there by suppertime!


138 posted on 07/21/2006 7:54:46 AM PDT by RedRightReturn (Even a broken clock is right twice a day...)
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To: Constitution Day

I have been up and down that river many times. Last year it was too low to get on.


139 posted on 07/21/2006 7:55:22 AM PDT by FearlessFreep (Excuse me. But are those your legs or are you riding a chicken?)
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To: FearlessFreep
Lighter fluid is evil. I use wood-wax starter sticks.
140 posted on 07/21/2006 7:55:32 AM PDT by pepperhead (Kennedy's float, Mary Jo's don't!)
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