World's oldest condom
World's oldest schmuck
Posted on 06/08/2006 7:31:00 AM PDT by Millee
That's quite a little poem you've got there, DD. Catchy.
Ok. Two things here.
It came with a manual??
And does dipping it in milk pasturize the p.......oh, nevermind.
That is too funny.
Paging Dave Brown.
Lmao!
LOL. Please don't hold it against me. Or anywhere near me for that matter. : )
Look! It's schmuck! He found Nemo!
Now that I think about it, the floors were a little sticky.
C'mere you!! 
ping
"The one in the clinton library is much much smaller."
Maybe that is why a cigar was needed.
"trying to figure out what the ribbon is for. To what does on tie this?"
If you look carefully, you see there are two ends to ribbon. You tie them together like the drawstring in a pair of beach pants, or sweat pants.
Ancient historical knowledge. Re soaking in milk. Many years ago in college, some of the guys liked the sheep gut condoms, but they were very expensive. Some medical student came up with the bright idea of rinsing them off after use. Putting water and a drop of iodine in a small glass and putting the rinsed condom in the water. Rinse off and use again. Saved a lot of money that way and I never heard of anyone getting pregnant. I don't know if those animal membrane condoms protect against the AIDS virus as viruses are smaller than sperm.
You heard about the woman who was told by her dermatologist to have milk baths to keep her skin looking young...?
Well, she drove out to a dairy farm and told the man there that she wanted to buy milk for her baths.
He asked her, "pasteurized?"
To which she replied, "no, just up to the shoulders will do."
LOL. I've heard that joke but the word "shoulders" was not the body part used.
Antiques Roadshow Appraiser, Percy Thumbalina: I simply swooned when I saw that pig bladder condom and users' manual. They are SO rare. Only two more are reputed to survive in the world, both in Helen Thomas' purse. I've never seen one before. Where did you get it?
Dork from Visigork:
Vell, it vas passed down in my family, from fadder to son. Ve haf the records in our family bible, going back eleven generations, yah?
Percy: I suppose they were all "only" children?
Dork: Yah. This is the only surviving one of a set of twelve. Originally there was one for each month of the year, but as they broke, they were thrown away and the remaining skins were passed to the new generation. It's in the book.
Percy: A wonderful provenance that makes this item even more valuable. It's in remarkable condition for so much use over the years. I see that it has the original patina.
Dork: Yah, it has never been cleaned. Ve wanted to keep it just as it vas.
Percy: May I touch it. (rolls eyes and kneads the condom in his hands) OOOOHHHH> This is like touching history. Do you have any idea of its value?
Dork: No. I tried to find out once, but couldn't find a market.
Percy: This is really priceless, but in my judgement, at auction on a good Gay Pride day at Disneyland, this could be worth $150,000.
Dork: (dumbfounded)I had no idea. I certainly won't be using it on Tuesday nights any more. Thank you so much.
Percy: Thank you for bringing it.
"An Ancient and Old Irish Condom"
To the tune of "Auld Rosin the Beau"
I was up to my arse in the muck sir,
With a peat contract down in the bog.
When my shovel it struck something hard sir,
I thought 'twas a rock or a log.
'Twas a box of the finest old oak sir,
A foot long and four inches wide.
And not giving a damn for the fairies,
I just took a quick look inside.
Now I opened the lid of this box sir,
And my story, I swear it is true.
'Twas an ancient and old Irish condom,
A relic of Brian Boru.
'Twas an ancient and old Irish condom,
A foot long and made of elk hide,
With a little gold tag on the end sir,
With his name, rank, and stud fee inscribed.
Now I cast my mind back through the ages,
to the days of this horny old Celt.
With his wife lying by on the bed sir,
As he stood by the fire in his pelt.
Now I thought I heard Brian whisper,
As he stood in the fire's rosy light.
"You've had your own way quite enough dear,
'TIS THE HAIRY SIDE OUTSIDE TONIGHT!"
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