Posted on 05/21/2006 6:36:08 PM PDT by Mr. Brightside
The All-State high school quaterback wants to date my homeschooled daughter.
The boy and his brother are two of the hardest working high school athletes I have ever seen.
His parents have been married for nearly 20 years. They attend church semi-regularyly.
My daughter has never been on a date.
The answer is a stern cough while cleaning your guns.
Then eye him carefully while sharpening a rather large knife.
Make lots of "deep in thought" sounds while doing the above.
Then invite him out back to help you dig a hole.
Should work wonders for his enthusiasm.
When said son-in-law finally did ask, my husband made both of them write a 3 page essay explaining why they thought they were ready for marriage.
They've been married almost seven years now, so I guess they were actually ready.
It's old I know but I do like it. I'm going to use it when my daughter gets to her teenage years. I'm going to update Rule 10 with "Gulf War Syndrome" instead of Viet Nam though.
Sounds cruel, but it actually worked.
Made him think long and hard on the subject it sounds.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)
Are you her teacher? You can't spell "captain" right!
PLEASE ATTACH DNA SAMPLE. (If you do fail to do so, I will collect one from you when you least expect it.)
It did work. He's still got those essays tucked away somewhere - maybe we should pull them out for their next anniversary.
In my family, that would be reason for much mirth and festivity.
(Any excuse to have a family party and include some humor..)
Sounds like a plan to me.
No ages mentioned. Can't he come over and watch TV and play Nintendo? You can supply the snacks, every few minutes...
Hey, that's my plan! Though it will be an X-BOX and my daughter will get upset after I'm done whipping her dates in Halo and killing 3 hours of their time together.
MuHaHaHaHaHaHaHa
Yep, guess we'll have to think about that.
*uh oh*
Probably not a good idea to get ideas from me since I am the "Fountain of Bad Ideas" and can provide witnesses of such.
But it is something I'd do.
Football captains are uniformly pricks. So, no.
Um, You're not teaching her spelling, are you?
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