Posted on 03/29/2006 4:48:11 AM PST by gobucks
"I just want to be a wife and a mother". That is what she said about 10 years ago when we married. But she also wanted to work. One thing led to another, then to an MBA, and now she has a great job with high pay. And she is pregnant again, which of course we're thrilled about. Little Gb was born last summer, and this is welcome news, given how many years it took to bring this about.
But lately, she has made it plain: she wants to become a full time stay at home wife and mother. Her career now has zero allure. And so, upon my shoulders it is looking like the full weight of supporting the family will rest. This is a road that is quite alien for me I have to report. I was born in 1963, and the norm was watching the women of a household do housework, and work outside the home.
I have decided I want this too, though the transition doesn't appear to be one that will be painless. For example, we really like the house our two incomes pay for. But, nonetheless, given the "Back to Puritanism" road we took a few years ago (which we know directly led to solving the infertility question), this step is inevitable for us.
So, now, I'm looking for Freeper Advice, from wives and/or Husbands. What happened when she stopped working and stayed at home? How did that make things better or worse? How would have you changed the process to make it more smooth? And if you had to do it over, would she still quit her job, and stay at home?
Id do it the same way again
they grow up way too fast - theyre not kidding about that -both will be off to college soon and I'll be sorry to see them go & dread the day
I guess hubby and I would have to not live in that world either. lol
That's what's so great about this world...there's lot's of differences.
Mybe he's wearing his computer!!
Ol neighbor down here is a stay-at-home father. Home on disability - he's a great daddy - takes the kids everywhere, coaches, etc. Good luck.
Been there, done that, and have come through the other side. Staying home was the best decision I ever made and I can't imagine not doing it. I've only scanned the thread, but haven't seen anybody mention putting a plan in place to replace your income should it ever become necessary. Make sure you have enough life insurance to provide for your family should anything happen to you. Also make sure you have long term disability insurance. In an emergency it could take your wife a while to return to the workforce and replace your income.
I worked two jobs and put my husband through college, and then I quit and he's worked, so we've never faced exactly your situation ...
Good luck! It's worth any sacrifice to be with the babies!
I always thought the childcare emphasis was misplaced. A fourteen-month old is easy for a child-care provider to love and care for--but who loves a fourteen-year-old except his parents? A baby is better off in childcare than an unsupervised teen, but there's no "care" out there for a teen.
My wife stays at home and works harder than anyon I know and get's zero pay. Financly it is tough but, like many, we really need to reduce debit.
I will tell you what happened in the JRios household. When the lovely Mrs JRios found out she was expecting our first bundle of joy, she decided she was going to stay at home with him.
Three and a half years, a move across the country, and another child later, I have to tell you...if you haven't learned to live on one salary already, you have to hurry. The moment she decided she was going to stop working outside the home, we decided to live on just my salary (we were putting hers away in savings, which has already been depleted since...) We had to make adjustments...I had to limit and then stop bowling...I rarely if ever go play golf anymore...we gave up the SUV and now I drive a 1999 VW Beetle.
It's all about making adjustments...try now that you still have time, and then when the new bundle of joy arrives, it won't be as hard to learn.
You've already gotten a lot of good advice about the benefits of a stay at home mom, so I won't get into that but have you thought about the benefits of a stay at home wife?
For many years I worked part time. Doing so allowed me to keep a neat, clean, well organized house and a spectacular (and productive) garden. I ran all the errands, took care of all the personal business, cared for my elderly mother (and his elderly mother), and cooked meals from scratch.
I wasn't rushed all the time. I wasn't resentful about doing "housework" on "my" time. I didn't have to explain to anybody why I needed 2 hours off to do something.
When my husband came home at night, he came home to a happy and appreciative wife. Trust me, that's worth much more than an exotic vacation or cable TV.
I went back to work full-time to fund my private retirement arrangement but in 20 more months I'll go back to part-time and neither of us can wait for that glorious moment.
Priceless for you....priceless for your children.
I'm an older mom with grown children....
..and they are well adjusted, respectful, caring & productive in the work force.
My daughter taught school for 8 years until she (finally) became pregnant and is now happily home with her precious daughter.
My son hopes to be married some day....sooner rather than later :)
They both graduated from college, and our son is enjoying the profession he always wanted.
When my husband completed military and went back to grad school....the women's lib movement was in its heyday...
..they even came on campus and tried very hard to propagandize the young wives/moms about how more fulfilled it was to work and leave the kiddies in daycare.
Oh, and they also thought it cool to drop our husband's name and take our maiden name.
Such mush!
But I almost bought it...
..Found a job....looked at daycare centers....and grew very depressed!
I cancelled the job....and have stayed home ever since.
I think my children would say the one of the best parts of having mom home is ....coming home from school and knowing I was there.
It wasn't only the milk and homemade cookies....
..more important, it was having mom there to hear about their day, good or bad.
How can I ever regret all those memories!!!
Yes, the wife does need to feel some independence....but that independence can still be 'dependent' on the husband without rancor.
Years ago we started following th 'Larry Burkett' method of money management.
We alot different amounts for whatever our budget needs are...
..but there's also an inclusion for me....a certain amount to spend as I need, without having to answer to specifics.
This certain amount is set aside each month....just for me.
That frees both of us....and creates pleasant communication. :)
We've been doing this for years now....and have modified it according to the changes that have taken place through the years....children in college....children leaving the home....etc.
It's very family friendly and adjustments are easily made.
Lurker said to be prepared for some serious lifestyle changes. That is true. I went from fulltime professional to fulltime mother for a few months and then took on part-time at home work to supplement the family income. I have worked at home the past seventeen years and am preparing to re-enter fulltime work in the next few months.
The lifestyle changes will be social as well as financial. Please do not try to hang on to your old buds and forms of entertainment in a kind of just-like-before-but-with-kids attitude. Your friends will not understand your change in priorities and some may feel it directly criticizes their choices. They will not understand that you find joy in other things now, as in it is more fun to attend a Little League ballgame to watch your kid than go to a professional baseball with the old gang. They will not care to hear about the precious things your kids are doing now. They will try to understand, perhaps, but the friendships will most likely become strained. Changes are most successful when we change our environment at the same time.
Do yourselves a favor and make friends as soon as possible with couples who have made the same choices as you. They are a wonderful source of wisdom, ingenuity and friendship. If you don't go to a church, find one and hang with the other single-income families there or find another social group that is family oriented. Let your wife involve herself in community affairs to make your community better and burnish her own professional bona fides and contacts for when she is ready to re-enter the fulltime work world.
Don't pine for what might have been and never try to lay a guilt trip on your wife for choosing her children over money. A wise man once said, "No success can compensate for failure in the home" and failure is all too apparent these days. Your kids face dangers almost unheard of in our generation what with the lures of cable television, video games, drug pushers, "eduganda" and other subtle and not-so-subtle attempts to destroy the family. No place is safe for kids nowadays without adult supervision.
The choice your wife is making is not a retreat or sign of laziness on her part. Staying at home and not feeling equally able to financially contribute to a household is hard for anyone, especially women raised since the 70s when that choice was deemed shameful. Support her. Yes, it is hard on you, and scary to be the sole breadwinner. But you will be a better man and she will be a better woman when you both see the unique strengths you have and share those as the one you were intended to become.
My daughters are now semi-launched into their adult lives. One is turning twenty next month. The other turns 19 in June. It was hard to do without a secure second income but it is do-able if you are both committed to making it work through a combination of attitude adjustment and creativity. And be sure each of you expresses appreciation for the other on a regular basis. Good luck. You are making the right choice.
In thirty years of marriage my wife has not been employed more than six months total. I make better than a median income, but it has been tough.
But my kids are grown now, and I think they are better off having had a full time mother. Kids who grow up always having enough money are going to be surprised when they meet the real world.
I haven't read the other replies, will just give you my view.
I had a high stress career with an impressive income. We just couldn't give up the money when my son was born. He went to the best day-care centers and summer camps. We were miserable.
I finally quit a year and a half ago when he was 12. We moved to a much cheaper state and are squeaking by on my husbands small pension.
If I could have anything in this world it would be to be able to go back to when my son was small and be home with him. I can never get that back, nor can he.
God bless you for your honesty and heart.
There were children there!!!
Feel lucky, and proud, that you are married to a woman who believes that her children are more important than her job.
It might be hard for her to lose her "working identity", and the camaraderie that goes with it. She will also no longer have money of her own, which can be difficult for an adult to deal with (no longer being self sufficient).
But your lives will be less hectic. You, as a family, will only have your work schedule to deal with. Vacations, doctors appointments, child illnesses, days off from school, all those things become easier.
After my first child, I worked. She got quite ill, and I remember one time in the middle of the night, as I was sitting on the floor holding my sick baby, I was tired of deciding whether or not I was going to be a good employee and go to work, or whether I was going to be a good mom and stay home with my child.
My child won, and I have not had a job job since. I now have three kids, and we are all better off, happier, less stressed, and we know each other much better than if we just saw each other on nights and weekends.
Good luck. Maybe it will even knock you down a tax bracket, so that less of your money will go to crack whores, illegal aliens, and Africa!!!!!
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