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Posted on 03/24/2006 9:00:43 PM PST by silent_jonny
I really feel that the contestants go through the wringer on American Idol. So here's a little spoof for the upcoming show. I hope you like it. I really just wanted to poke a little fun at the judges, stylists and producers. While I have parodied the contestants, I first and foremost have to say that I admire and respect each one of them for pursuing their dreams. So keep your tongue in cheek and I hope it makes you laugh. (I originally posted on AI board and the thread was deleted and someone requested I post them here.) Feel free to add your own "Psychic" predictions and have some fun. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
News from A Tabletop (pre-show)
PrunePucker and NameDropper sit at a lonely table facing an unoccupied stage, an empty seat between them.
Sir Lithium is striding down the aisle with both eyes blazing. Thank God he's not American born, for I fear it would be guns blazing if his blood ran red, white and blue.
Sir Lithium spits the words out like wet sunflower seeds. "Where is she?"
A giggle floats up into the air and PrunePucker and NameDropper point under the table.
What looked like a tarantula from a science fiction movie suddenly moves and one red-rimmed eye peeks out. It's FierceHair. "Hey Nithy - give ushh a kisshhh. Jur not the firrrstt kisshh and jur won't be the lassttth. Not for this shexxxyyyy kitten." FierceHair suddenly pumps one fist into the air narrowly missing Sir Lithium's face. "Ssstthhraight up!"
Sir Lithium grabs the tiny fist and yanks her up. FierceHair has two puppies that she keeps close to her heart and they both jump out and bark. Sir Lithium drops her in her chair. The charming giggle turns into murmurs of love as FierceHair pets her puppies.
PrunePucker leans waaaaay back behind Sir Lithium and FierceHair and stage whispers to NameDropper "She wants me, you know." NameDropper nods sagely and says "Dawg, the same thing happened to me with..... and you know I saw her in the studio the other day..."
"Stop it!" Sir Lithium shouts, as an angry timbre runs rills through his voice.
PrunePucker smirks and NameDropper says, "You know, dude that was a little pitchy for me."
Sir Lithium's hate-crazed eyes swing up to the stage as Diyin enters from stage left. His little Stan Laurel face is scrunched up in concentration.
"Listen up." Sir Lithium stabs his finger in PrunePucker's face. "Watch out for her. If she starts to float off that chair, I expect you to handle it."
He whirls around and stabs his finger in Namedropper's face. "Do NOT mention one more name."
Diyin stands on the stage, mouth open. Sir Lithium turns an evil eye in his direction. Diyin cringes and begins to whimper. Sir Lithium stares at him for a full minute, swirls in place and marches back up the aisle.
Diyin's eyes fill with tears. "I didn't do nuffing."
to be continued
Backstage:
The contestants are gearing up for the big night. They are all in makeup and wardrobe because by God, this is a THEME night. Sound engineers and stagehands rush around putting out last minute fires.
Snippets of conversation are overheard:
"No, No keep that spot OFF his head. If it flashes back into the TV screen it will blind his entire fan base and they won't be able to vote because they won't be able to see to dial, push buttons or text."
"She wants to wear WHAT?"
"Find me a lamppost and a hat like Sinatra."
"No more easter egg rolling down the hallway. We're trying to put on a show here."
"No... honey, you got to show some emotion. Come on let's go look it up in the dictionary and we'll practice in the mirror."
"Anchor the chairs in the audience. Too much thudding in the aisles causes sound vibrations through the speakers."
And five minutes to showtime......
It's Showtime!
The music cues. Diyin slips by Sir Lithium in a crouch to avoid the slap in the back of the head. He straightens up and burst out on the stage. His manical grin firmly in place, he starts his schtick.
"It's American Idol. Tonight the contestants will sing the World's Greatest Love Songs. But it's up to you America, who do YOU love? Now let's get right down to business and greet the judges. The ever-so-cool canine NammmmeDropper." Cheers and catcalls from the audience.
Diyin gives a waggish grin to the middle judge. "It's Miss FierceHair herself and I can I just tell you that one eyeball looks lovely." Miss FierceHair bounces up and down in her seat and waves her Coke cup merrily back in salute.
Diyin smirks as he looks at the end of the table. "And last and definitely least, Mr. PrunePucker himself." Boos erupt from the audience and PrunePucker looks deliciously pleased with himself.
"The final six perform live tonight folks with the help of a very special guest, Italian Guy. Let's take a look." A montage featuring the gifted and talented coach for tonight's event plays up on the big screen and into TVs across America. America is suitably impressed by the fact that there are no signs of plastic surgery of any kind. Oh, those Italians, they just never lose their hunkiness.
The camera pans back to Diyin. "And up first tonight is the 'guaranteed to be in the bottom three spot' it's Squeaky performing the classic by Bonnie Raitt 'I Can't Make You Love Me'."
A montage of Italian tenor and Squeaky talking is oddly interesting and has many people at home trying to adjust the sound on their TVs but the montage is over before they can figure out what is wrong. The stage lights come up and there stands Squeaky.
The viewers at home and members of the audience are unable to process the lyrics as Squeaky stands before them. Her clothes shout schoolteacher, a straight lined black skirt, white blouse with a discreet frill at the hem and sleeve. The make or break item of this outfit are those orthopedic oxfords. It's just the right touch. But her hair - oo la la - it is funky, fierce and let's everyone know she's still just a schoolgirl at heart. Her voice is powerful and she belts out the lyrics and she sounds phenomenal.....
"Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
"You can't make your heart feel something it won't"
The crowd erupts with applause.
NameDropper: "Hot baby, Hot. In your element. Way to go."
FierceHair: "You were fantastic. And the look, I love it. So grownup and yet so vulnerable - like a little girl. Perfect."
PrunePucker: "Well, at first I thought prom night but then *snap* it was cruise ship. It didn't work for me."
Squeaky's face has shown the gamut of emotions as the judges render their verdicts and Diyin rushes back onstage to give out her number
1-800-PIMP-ONE.
"After the break, it's Bilbo Baggins and DaisyDawg. We'll see you then."
Wooooo - Great. I love Bilbo and I have time to wash both cats.
And we’re back! Diyin is ready for us with the next contestant. “Next, it’s Bilbo Baggins. Let’s take a look at the music he and the Italian Guy made together. “ Montage of Bilbo and Italian Guy bonding over piano.
Diyin’s voice floats over the audience. “It’s Bilbo Baggins singing the love classic ‘Fly Me to the Moon’ made immortal by Ole Blue Eyes himself.”
Then the lights dim and a spotlight falls on a hat, a cool, snappy, kinda mob, kinda wow hat. And those ears are sticking out all cute and perky. A face peeks out under the brim. It’s Bilbo. Yeahhhhh! He’s got a jacket hooked with one finger slung over his shoulder and he’s leaning on a lamppost. If it got any cooler than that we’d be sitting on an iceberg.
He croons, girls swoon, he’s debonair and so-fist-ta-kated. And the best part is every time he warbles “Fly me to the moon” his ears wiggle. It’s over waaaay too soon.
NameDropper: “Dude, Dude, Dude. I gotta give it up for you. You blew tonight.”
FierceHair: Bilbo, I just love you. You’re just refreshment to the entire world.” FierceHair picks up her Coke cup and drinks deep. Ahhh, me thinks there some hidden meaning behind that gesture.
PrunePucker: I was worried about you last week. I didn’t feel like you had really brought any personality to the competition. But tonight, the ear wiggling. Good job, I quite liked it.”
Bilbo beams and beams. Diyin hugs Bilbo and gives out the number: 1-800-PIMP-TWO.
Next is DaisyDawg
Diyin says “What happens when a belle from the south meets an Italiano from the North. Let’s watch.” A montage begins as DaisyDawg bursts through the door of a rehearsal studio. She opens her arms wide and she lets out a big ole holler. “I’m DaisyDawg and Ah am sew happy tew meet jew.” A very bewildered Italian tenor says in his native tongue “Uhh?” He turns to his assistant and fires off a question in rapid fire Italian. DaisyDawg slaps her forehead leaving an attractive red blush to the area. “Ooohh nooo, anuther guy with an akcent. This is so hard fer me.” Italian Guy drops his head in his hands and mutters “Porco Dio” over and over under his breath.
We’re back to Diyin whose grin, frankly, looks painful. *Editorial Note: I’ve never really seen ear to ear before.* Anyway, back to the action... Diyin starts clapping and says, “Give it up for this crowd pleaser. It’s DaisyDawg with ‘I Just Want to Be Your Everything’ by Andy Gibb.”
The place erupts into cheering. Signs are waving, individual shots of audience participants shows male drooling at its best. And DaisyDawg looks WOW. She has gone for the down home look and has obviously gone back to her roots. And they are showing. Her little white top is a halter that frames her beautifully with scalloped sleeves off the shoulder and a pert bow that ain’t holding nuthing up, it’s just for show. Paired with a sweet pair of cheek kissing denim shorts, it’s a look that keeps on giving. Her earrings are a pair of sawed off shotguns that dangle from those pearly ears and we know she is on the hunt tonight. Go girl!
She breaks into her song and the tone is good. She’s recovered from her train wreck of last week and is putting her little ole pea-picking heart into this ditty. Let’s listen.
“Ah jus wanna tew bee yur eveythang.
Ooopen up the hebben in yur hart an let meee beeee
The thangs jew are to me and nut sum puppet on a string”
She finishes on a high note and she is bouncing on the toes of her tennyrunners.
NameDropper: “Dawg, that was terrific. You know what grabs me is you guys are really working it out tonight. Way to go.”
FierceHair: “Daisy Daisy DaisyDawg, you’re, you’re just a marvel. You make me think of the best of the south, Jack Daniels and Harvey Wallbangers.” FierceHair stops abruptly and just stares into space. A quick visit to a parallel universe no doubt.
PrunePucker: “After last week, I wasn’t sure you had it in you. But you do. And if I can get it out, I think you can win this thing totally.”
DaisyDawg looks bewildered but happy. It sounds good but, is it? Diyin is there for her. He wraps his arm around her waist and said “You did good!”
“I did?” DaisyDawg says twirling a lock of hair under a beautiful finger.
Diyin does the ear-to-ear thing again and oh, favorite part, we’re off to commercial. After I run out to do my Christmas shopping for 2006 I’ll still have time for a quick snack.
Next up: Mr.Clean!!!! Huge cheer from crowd. They got something to prove tonight.
Aaannnnd, we’re back!
The camera catches Diyin smirking at the judge’s table but he recovers fast. “And now,” he proclaims, “it’s time for Mr. Clean. Watch the monitors.” There are whistles, foot stomps and teeth gnashing heard from the audience since Mr. Clean was in an upside-down position (one he had never experienced and did not enjoy) last week. Mr. Clean and Italian Tenor are hugging, then some talking and then some singing. Italian Tenor Guy is impressed and says ‘he must be true to himself.”
Diyin waves at the stage area. “Mr. Clean singing ‘Love Will Keep Us Together’ by the Captain and Tennille. He’s going to sing WHAT? There is a hushed silence from the crowd. His fan base is rabid and there is an air of antici -----pation.
OMG, Mr. Clean is standing there in WHITE just like we’ve always known him. He’s done a complete 180 from the basic black. Was it foreshadowing last week with that white short-sleeved shirt? Hmmm. Check out that silver chain dangling from his waistline. The background behind him shows cleaning products being poured together. As the caustic ingredients meet one another they explode into glittering showers of flame and spark. This is serious rock and roll.
Mr. Clean is off the charts with this one. His lyrics ring with true emotion and he gives the Captain and Tennille song the edge it has always needed. It’s never been done like this before. No one ever dared.
He begins removing the silver chain as he sings:
“Young and beautiful
Someday your looks will be gone
When the others turn you off
Who’ll be turning you on”
And then, and then, he starts whipping the chain over his head on the chorus.
“I will, I WILL.” He whips the chain around the mike stand and pulls it to him.
“I WILL, I WILL.” He yanks the mike stand off the floor, flips his wrist and sends it spinning across the stage. His fans go beserk.
Namedropper: “Dude, Dude, man, I don’t know what to say. My heart is still pounding. Dude, you rocked the house.” He pumps his fist in the air and lets out of couple of hound dog barks.
FierceHair: “Mr. Clean, it’s so nice to see you be yourself tonight. YOUR FANS LOVED IT, I LOVED IT. Oh my god, that was a sold-out concert performance. “ She gives him her signature otter clapping and smiles vaguely at PrunePucker.
PrunePucker: “Ok, here’s what I think. You finally stayed true to yourself after listening to me tell you to change and that’s what you should be doing. It was risky tonight to do that song but I think it’s going to take you to the finals.”
The Mr. Clean crowd is hugging and kissing each other. Their man is back. But not in black.
Diyin meets him in the middle of the stage.
Number to call 1-800-PIMP-FOR
Diyin turns to the audience. “Stay tuned. You don’t want to miss Snow White.”
Commercial, commercial. Time to do laundry.
(to be continued)
---
Keeping a lookout for the continuation. :)
We’re back to the show and it’s time for Diyin to introduce Snow White. The montage is on the screen. Snow White is flashing her Orbitz white smile at Italian Guy while rehearsing her song. It looks fun, it looks like a great rehearsal.
Diyin over at the side waves at the stage. “Give it up everybody for Snow White. She’s singing ‘You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore’, a duet that Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond put on the charts.” The audience breaks into applause and she stands there under a spotlight. She is the picture of loveliness. Little birds and mice twitter around her head and dress as they make final adjustments to her costume. She begins to sing to the camera.
“You don't bring me flowers (**Grumpy is propelled out onto the stage by unseen hands. He “Harumphs” and turns his back on her.**)
You don't sing me love songs (**Bashful who was making his way across the stage, blushes a deep red.**)
You hardly talk to me anymore
When I come thru the door
At the end of the day (**Dopey peeks out from under her dress and gives her his special smile.**)
Snow White warbles her way through this love ballad and each individual dwarf plays a part in bringing the song to life. The birds chirp, the mice twittered, the dwarfs gambol around the stage. As she sings the last line “You don’t bring me flowers” all of the dwarfs, except Grumpy lay flowers at her feet.
The audience is cheering and whistling. Her father weeps gently because he knows there will be no poisoned apples for her tonight. And he’s right.
NameDropper: “Dude, dude, I’ve got to give you your props. Great job.”
FierceHair: “What I love about you is that you really connected to the song. You totally stayed tru to yourself. Magnificent.”
PrunePucker: “I loved it. I loved the way you brought animation to the song. It was a story made believable on the stage tonight. Head and shoulders above the rest.”
She thanks them prettily as Diyin is back on stage by her side.
“We’re back after the break.” Diyin proclaims “with the Ultimate Patrolman to finish out the show. Stay tuned.”
I’ll take a nap. I want to be refreshed for the final song.
Aaaaannnnndddd, it’s the final song of the evening. Diyin is trying to hustle Grumpy away from a staring contest with PrunePucker. Diyin sees the camera and shoves Grumpy under the table.
“The last contestant of the evening, ladies and gentleman. The Ultimate Patrolman.” Diyin intones. The place goes wild. “Let’s see how he and the Italian Tenor Guy did in rehearsal. He waves at the screen. There’s he is (The Ultimate Patrolman now referred to as UPS as am too excited to type out the whole thing every time.) UPS and Italian are blending their tenors voices together, a fabulous fusion of Southern Comfort and a rich, red chianti. They sound terrific.
“Here he is singing Willie Nelson’s ‘You Were Always on My Mind’. U*P*S!!!!!!
A team of men make their way down the aisles and take up positions. They are wearing black
t-shirts that say “Got Soul?” on the front and *waiting, yes one turning around, Ah-hah* “THUD CONTROL” on the back.
There he is. *Thud* It’s him and he looks marvelous. *thud* In a suit tailor *thud* made just for him, it highlights his silver *thud* locks. He teases with a quick smile that flashes the little dimple in his left cheek like a *thud*diamond. A girl’s best friend.
He starts out slow with the soft *thud* words of the ballad.
“Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have “
*thud, thud*
“Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done”
(Thudding is heard throughout the auditorium.)
“I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind “
The thudding noise grows in intensity and the THUD CONTROL boys are busy with smelling salts and kleenex.” Oh, look at him go. He’s winding up with a low sweet growl. Look at his leg. He shakes it like a puppy dog getting his happy spot scratched. Emotion is pouring out of every musical pore of his body. He’s quivering like a washing machine on the final spin. Go, baby, go.
*Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud. * The thudding keeps going like the Everready Bunny.
“Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied, satisfied “
He’s on the final chorus and people are on their feet. Screaming, cheering, tears running down their faces.
“Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You - were always on ---- -my ------- -mind “
The place is in an uproar. FierceHair is dancing on the tabletop. She’s doing the signature UPS windup dance.
NameDropper: “Listen, listen.” He stops as he cannot be heard over the applause. “Listen up. Dude, I got to hand it to you. I haven’t done this all season.” He pushes back his chair and gives UPS a standing ovation. Sweet.
FierceHair: (still on the table) “ Whoooooo. Whoooooo. Whooooooo. I’m speechless, breathless and I can’t wait to buy your first album.”
PrunePucker: “UPS, are you on drugs?”
The audience sucks in their breaths in shock. They exhale as one and a rolling “BOOOOOOO”
blasts across the judges table, riffling papers and knocking over Coke cups.
PrunePucker: “Let me finish, let me finish, it’s a compliment, for heaven’s sake. Let ME finish. What I mean is, it was a mind-boggling performance. I loved it. I really, really loved it. Superb.”
The roof blows off under the rolling cheers and applause. Several of the more nervous namby-pambys in Los Angeles wondered if there is an earthquake abrewing.
Diyin bounds on the stage and graps the Ultimate Policeman by the hand. They do a complicated high-five thingy, including some Whoas and some choreographed head bobbing.
“Soul Patrol”, the Ultimate Patrolman beams into the camera. “Soul Patrol.”
Diyin steps in front of him. UPS phone number 1-800-PIMP-SIX.
THE LINES ARE NOW OPEN.
The following is from access Atlanta reporter Rodney Ho :Executive “Idol” producer Ken Warwick did a press phone conference today from 2 to 3 p.m. EST. At least 15 reporters asked questions, from In Touch magazine to *edited due to external link*to the Birmingham News to the Washington Post. It was a great hour.
He revealed to me that an Elvis Presley theme is forthcoming in “a couple of weeks.” He also said it breaks his heart that he can’t get clearance to do Beatles songs and can’t convince the Eagles to do a theme week.
To reduce busy signals, there will be two phone numbers for each of the six contestants Tuesday.
The performance snippets we see at the end of the performance show comes from the rehearsal, which many of you have noticed.
He never spoke directly with Prince reps about Prince doing the show so it never got very far.
He will reject any big star who refuses to work wtih the kids.
He said he decides the order of the contestants on a number of factors. He prefers upbeat songs to open or end the show. He won’t have a contestant open or close a show two weeks in a row.
He said it’s unlikely the show would film Kellie seeing her dad leave jail because it would be unfair to the other contestants. But he might do it on the final results show if she’s still around once the votes are in and if she’s willing to do it.
He was bemused that “American Dreamz” didn’t do well this past weekend. “People have been copying us since series two and doing a pretty lousy job of it. It’s another one for the pile.”
Greensboro was his favorite audition ever, that this will influence future audition cities.
I asked him about *edited due to external link*but he didn’t seem to mind its existence since only he, Nigel Lythgoe, the Fox standards & practices office and the third-party company that does the voting know who the bottom three really are.
He also noted that the finalists get paid a standard AFSTRA weekly fee for being on the show. I’m not sure how much that is but it’s probably only $2,000 a week or something relatively modest.
He also noted that no finalist can release an album until three months after the winner’s album comes out. He said they can do other things within reason but need to ask. Fox oversees that process, he said.[/quote]
He'd just growl at everyone, drink copious amounts of ale and flirt with Katherine.
It would be great.
OK--truce. To tell the truth, I would much rather see a natural talent like Kellie win over a pampered Boston Conservatory grad with an overambitious mother and a saccharinely sentimental old man--I speak, of course, of Katherine McPhee.
But of the three women left standing, I like Paris the best. She has the voice, the personality, and the pizazz to sell a song.
Elvis week huh? Wonder to whom that is geared?
ROFL! Cute parody.
Some of the weeks seem to be geared to certain contestants over others. Who benefited from country week? How about Queen? The 'standards'? An Elvis week should be better than songs of the 21st century! lol
Of the three women, I like Paris best, too. :)
Paris?
You've got to be kidding?
She's so freakin' annoying! I like to call her "Princess Pee."
Her grandmother's a recording artist so she'll make it with or without Idol.
Kellie and Katharine need the show more because they weren't born into "royalty."
Oh well...it's a mute point because I guy's supposed to win this year.
Hope you don't mind my jumping in here with my 2cents.
This is my 1st year watching NS. I love AI, and wanted more.
The reason I don't like it, even though I like country music, is because that's all it is each week. Country music. This IMO, makes the show boring. Whereas AI, is fun to watch because you don't know how the singers will perform each week with each new challenge.
In NS, they all sound great to me every week. But it gets old.
It's on cable, so it repeats.
I record it at 1 AM, I think.
Of the three women, I think Paris has been the most consistent. Her regular speaking voice sucks. I don't vote for any of the women though, they aren't my first choice. :)
I like the variety of music that AI offers, too. :)
***From another site!***
this is flying around the AI site:
this was posted on an AOL as "possible spoilers":
songs are subject to change. These are the proposed songs in which each idol has commited to, as of Saturday April 22, 2006. * = a suggestion via Simon. ** = A Simon favorite. Also post how you think each Idol contestant will do on a scale of 1 - 10 with 10 being PHENOMENAL
Paris Bennett - "At Last" (6 out of 10)
Elliot Y. - "Unchained Melody" Righteous Brothers ** (8 out of 10)
Kellie P. - "Because You Loved Me" Celine Dion (7 out of 10)
Katherine M. - "I Will Always Love You" Dolly Parton/Whitney Houston (20 out of 10) PHENOMENAL PRACTICE AND WILL BE PHENOMENAL PERFORMANCE.
Taylor H. - "You Are So Beautiful" - Joe Cocker / Georgia On My Mind - Ray Charles (TAYLOR PRACTICED BOTH SONGS)* (9 out of 10)
Chris D. - "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" Aerosmith (9 out of 10)
Elliott is doing "A Song For You".
at least that's the latest
Can't say I recognize 'A Song For You'. Maybe I know the song but not the title??
Donny Hathaway song...
He sang it in his audition. It's a song that he can certainly handle well enough with his singing talent.
I'm Running Out Of Time
I Need You To (Fill in the blanks)
You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Audrey
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