I really feel that the contestants go through the wringer on American Idol. So here's a little spoof for the upcoming show. I hope you like it. I really just wanted to poke a little fun at the judges, stylists and producers. While I have parodied the contestants, I first and foremost have to say that I admire and respect each one of them for pursuing their dreams. So keep your tongue in cheek and I hope it makes you laugh. (I originally posted on AI board and the thread was deleted and someone requested I post them here.) Feel free to add your own "Psychic" predictions and have some fun. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
News from A Tabletop (pre-show)
PrunePucker and NameDropper sit at a lonely table facing an unoccupied stage, an empty seat between them.
Sir Lithium is striding down the aisle with both eyes blazing. Thank God he's not American born, for I fear it would be guns blazing if his blood ran red, white and blue.
Sir Lithium spits the words out like wet sunflower seeds. "Where is she?"
A giggle floats up into the air and PrunePucker and NameDropper point under the table.
What looked like a tarantula from a science fiction movie suddenly moves and one red-rimmed eye peeks out. It's FierceHair. "Hey Nithy - give ushh a kisshhh. Jur not the firrrstt kisshh and jur won't be the lassttth. Not for this shexxxyyyy kitten." FierceHair suddenly pumps one fist into the air narrowly missing Sir Lithium's face. "Ssstthhraight up!"
Sir Lithium grabs the tiny fist and yanks her up. FierceHair has two puppies that she keeps close to her heart and they both jump out and bark. Sir Lithium drops her in her chair. The charming giggle turns into murmurs of love as FierceHair pets her puppies.
PrunePucker leans waaaaay back behind Sir Lithium and FierceHair and stage whispers to NameDropper "She wants me, you know." NameDropper nods sagely and says "Dawg, the same thing happened to me with..... and you know I saw her in the studio the other day..."
"Stop it!" Sir Lithium shouts, as an angry timbre runs rills through his voice.
PrunePucker smirks and NameDropper says, "You know, dude that was a little pitchy for me."
Sir Lithium's hate-crazed eyes swing up to the stage as Diyin enters from stage left. His little Stan Laurel face is scrunched up in concentration.
"Listen up." Sir Lithium stabs his finger in PrunePucker's face. "Watch out for her. If she starts to float off that chair, I expect you to handle it."
He whirls around and stabs his finger in Namedropper's face. "Do NOT mention one more name."
Diyin stands on the stage, mouth open. Sir Lithium turns an evil eye in his direction. Diyin cringes and begins to whimper. Sir Lithium stares at him for a full minute, swirls in place and marches back up the aisle.
Diyin's eyes fill with tears. "I didn't do nuffing."
to be continued
Backstage:
The contestants are gearing up for the big night. They are all in makeup and wardrobe because by God, this is a THEME night. Sound engineers and stagehands rush around putting out last minute fires.
Snippets of conversation are overheard:
"No, No keep that spot OFF his head. If it flashes back into the TV screen it will blind his entire fan base and they won't be able to vote because they won't be able to see to dial, push buttons or text."
"She wants to wear WHAT?"
"Find me a lamppost and a hat like Sinatra."
"No more easter egg rolling down the hallway. We're trying to put on a show here."
"No... honey, you got to show some emotion. Come on let's go look it up in the dictionary and we'll practice in the mirror."
"Anchor the chairs in the audience. Too much thudding in the aisles causes sound vibrations through the speakers."
And five minutes to showtime......
It's Showtime!
The music cues. Diyin slips by Sir Lithium in a crouch to avoid the slap in the back of the head. He straightens up and burst out on the stage. His manical grin firmly in place, he starts his schtick.
"It's American Idol. Tonight the contestants will sing the World's Greatest Love Songs. But it's up to you America, who do YOU love? Now let's get right down to business and greet the judges. The ever-so-cool canine NammmmeDropper." Cheers and catcalls from the audience.
Diyin gives a waggish grin to the middle judge. "It's Miss FierceHair herself and I can I just tell you that one eyeball looks lovely." Miss FierceHair bounces up and down in her seat and waves her Coke cup merrily back in salute.
Diyin smirks as he looks at the end of the table. "And last and definitely least, Mr. PrunePucker himself." Boos erupt from the audience and PrunePucker looks deliciously pleased with himself.
"The final six perform live tonight folks with the help of a very special guest, Italian Guy. Let's take a look." A montage featuring the gifted and talented coach for tonight's event plays up on the big screen and into TVs across America. America is suitably impressed by the fact that there are no signs of plastic surgery of any kind. Oh, those Italians, they just never lose their hunkiness.
The camera pans back to Diyin. "And up first tonight is the 'guaranteed to be in the bottom three spot' it's Squeaky performing the classic by Bonnie Raitt 'I Can't Make You Love Me'."
A montage of Italian tenor and Squeaky talking is oddly interesting and has many people at home trying to adjust the sound on their TVs but the montage is over before they can figure out what is wrong. The stage lights come up and there stands Squeaky.
The viewers at home and members of the audience are unable to process the lyrics as Squeaky stands before them. Her clothes shout schoolteacher, a straight lined black skirt, white blouse with a discreet frill at the hem and sleeve. The make or break item of this outfit are those orthopedic oxfords. It's just the right touch. But her hair - oo la la - it is funky, fierce and let's everyone know she's still just a schoolgirl at heart. Her voice is powerful and she belts out the lyrics and she sounds phenomenal.....
"Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
"You can't make your heart feel something it won't"
The crowd erupts with applause.
NameDropper: "Hot baby, Hot. In your element. Way to go."
FierceHair: "You were fantastic. And the look, I love it. So grownup and yet so vulnerable - like a little girl. Perfect."
PrunePucker: "Well, at first I thought prom night but then *snap* it was cruise ship. It didn't work for me."
Squeaky's face has shown the gamut of emotions as the judges render their verdicts and Diyin rushes back onstage to give out her number
1-800-PIMP-ONE.
"After the break, it's Bilbo Baggins and DaisyDawg. We'll see you then."
Wooooo - Great. I love Bilbo and I have time to wash both cats.
And we’re back! Diyin is ready for us with the next contestant. “Next, it’s Bilbo Baggins. Let’s take a look at the music he and the Italian Guy made together. “ Montage of Bilbo and Italian Guy bonding over piano.
Diyin’s voice floats over the audience. “It’s Bilbo Baggins singing the love classic ‘Fly Me to the Moon’ made immortal by Ole Blue Eyes himself.”
Then the lights dim and a spotlight falls on a hat, a cool, snappy, kinda mob, kinda wow hat. And those ears are sticking out all cute and perky. A face peeks out under the brim. It’s Bilbo. Yeahhhhh! He’s got a jacket hooked with one finger slung over his shoulder and he’s leaning on a lamppost. If it got any cooler than that we’d be sitting on an iceberg.
He croons, girls swoon, he’s debonair and so-fist-ta-kated. And the best part is every time he warbles “Fly me to the moon” his ears wiggle. It’s over waaaay too soon.
NameDropper: “Dude, Dude, Dude. I gotta give it up for you. You blew tonight.”
FierceHair: Bilbo, I just love you. You’re just refreshment to the entire world.” FierceHair picks up her Coke cup and drinks deep. Ahhh, me thinks there some hidden meaning behind that gesture.
PrunePucker: I was worried about you last week. I didn’t feel like you had really brought any personality to the competition. But tonight, the ear wiggling. Good job, I quite liked it.”
Bilbo beams and beams. Diyin hugs Bilbo and gives out the number: 1-800-PIMP-TWO.
Next is DaisyDawg
Diyin says “What happens when a belle from the south meets an Italiano from the North. Let’s watch.” A montage begins as DaisyDawg bursts through the door of a rehearsal studio. She opens her arms wide and she lets out a big ole holler. “I’m DaisyDawg and Ah am sew happy tew meet jew.” A very bewildered Italian tenor says in his native tongue “Uhh?” He turns to his assistant and fires off a question in rapid fire Italian. DaisyDawg slaps her forehead leaving an attractive red blush to the area. “Ooohh nooo, anuther guy with an akcent. This is so hard fer me.” Italian Guy drops his head in his hands and mutters “Porco Dio” over and over under his breath.
We’re back to Diyin whose grin, frankly, looks painful. *Editorial Note: I’ve never really seen ear to ear before.* Anyway, back to the action... Diyin starts clapping and says, “Give it up for this crowd pleaser. It’s DaisyDawg with ‘I Just Want to Be Your Everything’ by Andy Gibb.”
The place erupts into cheering. Signs are waving, individual shots of audience participants shows male drooling at its best. And DaisyDawg looks WOW. She has gone for the down home look and has obviously gone back to her roots. And they are showing. Her little white top is a halter that frames her beautifully with scalloped sleeves off the shoulder and a pert bow that ain’t holding nuthing up, it’s just for show. Paired with a sweet pair of cheek kissing denim shorts, it’s a look that keeps on giving. Her earrings are a pair of sawed off shotguns that dangle from those pearly ears and we know she is on the hunt tonight. Go girl!
She breaks into her song and the tone is good. She’s recovered from her train wreck of last week and is putting her little ole pea-picking heart into this ditty. Let’s listen.
“Ah jus wanna tew bee yur eveythang.
Ooopen up the hebben in yur hart an let meee beeee
The thangs jew are to me and nut sum puppet on a string”
She finishes on a high note and she is bouncing on the toes of her tennyrunners.
NameDropper: “Dawg, that was terrific. You know what grabs me is you guys are really working it out tonight. Way to go.”
FierceHair: “Daisy Daisy DaisyDawg, you’re, you’re just a marvel. You make me think of the best of the south, Jack Daniels and Harvey Wallbangers.” FierceHair stops abruptly and just stares into space. A quick visit to a parallel universe no doubt.
PrunePucker: “After last week, I wasn’t sure you had it in you. But you do. And if I can get it out, I think you can win this thing totally.”
DaisyDawg looks bewildered but happy. It sounds good but, is it? Diyin is there for her. He wraps his arm around her waist and said “You did good!”
“I did?” DaisyDawg says twirling a lock of hair under a beautiful finger.
Diyin does the ear-to-ear thing again and oh, favorite part, we’re off to commercial. After I run out to do my Christmas shopping for 2006 I’ll still have time for a quick snack.
Next up: Mr.Clean!!!! Huge cheer from crowd. They got something to prove tonight.
Aaannnnd, we’re back!
The camera catches Diyin smirking at the judge’s table but he recovers fast. “And now,” he proclaims, “it’s time for Mr. Clean. Watch the monitors.” There are whistles, foot stomps and teeth gnashing heard from the audience since Mr. Clean was in an upside-down position (one he had never experienced and did not enjoy) last week. Mr. Clean and Italian Tenor are hugging, then some talking and then some singing. Italian Tenor Guy is impressed and says ‘he must be true to himself.”
Diyin waves at the stage area. “Mr. Clean singing ‘Love Will Keep Us Together’ by the Captain and Tennille. He’s going to sing WHAT? There is a hushed silence from the crowd. His fan base is rabid and there is an air of antici -----pation.
OMG, Mr. Clean is standing there in WHITE just like we’ve always known him. He’s done a complete 180 from the basic black. Was it foreshadowing last week with that white short-sleeved shirt? Hmmm. Check out that silver chain dangling from his waistline. The background behind him shows cleaning products being poured together. As the caustic ingredients meet one another they explode into glittering showers of flame and spark. This is serious rock and roll.
Mr. Clean is off the charts with this one. His lyrics ring with true emotion and he gives the Captain and Tennille song the edge it has always needed. It’s never been done like this before. No one ever dared.
He begins removing the silver chain as he sings:
“Young and beautiful
Someday your looks will be gone
When the others turn you off
Who’ll be turning you on”
And then, and then, he starts whipping the chain over his head on the chorus.
“I will, I WILL.” He whips the chain around the mike stand and pulls it to him.
“I WILL, I WILL.” He yanks the mike stand off the floor, flips his wrist and sends it spinning across the stage. His fans go beserk.
Namedropper: “Dude, Dude, man, I don’t know what to say. My heart is still pounding. Dude, you rocked the house.” He pumps his fist in the air and lets out of couple of hound dog barks.
FierceHair: “Mr. Clean, it’s so nice to see you be yourself tonight. YOUR FANS LOVED IT, I LOVED IT. Oh my god, that was a sold-out concert performance. “ She gives him her signature otter clapping and smiles vaguely at PrunePucker.
PrunePucker: “Ok, here’s what I think. You finally stayed true to yourself after listening to me tell you to change and that’s what you should be doing. It was risky tonight to do that song but I think it’s going to take you to the finals.”
The Mr. Clean crowd is hugging and kissing each other. Their man is back. But not in black.
Diyin meets him in the middle of the stage.
Number to call 1-800-PIMP-FOR
Diyin turns to the audience. “Stay tuned. You don’t want to miss Snow White.”
Commercial, commercial. Time to do laundry.
(to be continued)
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Keeping a lookout for the continuation. :)