TURN IT OFF TO GET TURNED ON

New York Post ^ | February 6, 2006 | ELIZABETH HAYT

[klossg]

February 6, 2006 -- My history with battery-operated pleasure devices dates back a shocking 30 years when, as a teenager, I discovered my brothers' Penthouse magazines and ordered a clunky, whirring, rubber phallus from a back-page advertisement. I hid the gizmo in my dance bag, burying it between my ballet slippers. God knows why the housekeeper was digging around in there one day, but she found my toy and told my mother - who silently placed it on my bed. ...

[LongElegantLegs]

The lesson I learned? It's great to be an autonomous woman, but there's still nothing better than spending the night with a man in possession of a beating heart rathan a surrogate running on batteries.

It took her 30 years to figure this out? What a depressing, empty life...

[Darksheare]

She liked the thought of not having to wake up to morning breath and bed head hair I guess.
And then she looked at the breakdown of how much she spent on batteries per month.

[RedCell]

I recall one of the sex mag moguls writing a first hand critique of this toy...

a-hem... first hand?

[Eagles Talon IV]

"I recall one of the sex mag moguls writing a first hand critique of this toy..."

"a-hem... first hand?"

Yes, well you did have to hold it in place. Of course I wouldn't KNOW that but it is what I was told...err ...read, yeah that's it I READ it somewhere. I did, I swear it. It's not what you're thinking and believe me I KNOW what you're thinking but it's not true because I would never do something like that because I never needed anything because I was successful with women and besides its perverted and I would NEVER do anything perverted, no siree not me not never and I'm not kidding you not for a single minute.

[Eagles Talon IV]

Wait a minute? What about those inflatable dolls? Just think about it for a minute. They never talk back or complain you never want to take them out and the only expense you ever incur is a jar of Vaseline and a bicycle pump. The best part is you don't have to talk to them after you're done. Just hose 'em down and throw them in the closet until the next time.

How bad can this be?

[ravingnutter]

Boy, are you in trouble...you forgot to ping pissant : )

[martin_fierro]

The usual suspects should be here shortly.

I WE resemble that remark.

[RedCell]

Yes, well you did have to hold it in place. Of course I wouldn't KNOW that but it is what I was told...err ...read, yeah that's it I READ it somewhere. I did, I swear it. It's not what you're thinking and believe me I KNOW what you're thinking but it's not true because I would never do something like that because I never needed anything because I was successful with women and besides its perverted and I would NEVER do anything perverted, no siree not me not never and I'm not kidding you not for a single minute.

Something familiar about your defense... er... reply.

[Returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him.]
Guard: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.
Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine.
Guard: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby that's not mine.
Guard: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Guard: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby," by Austin Powers.

[ansel12]

She must be liberal, because, when they discover a simple truth of life they marvel over their revelation like it is a big breakthrough for all humanity. We shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, I guess it is a positive article, just somewhat disturbing.

[klossg]

It took her 30 years to figure this out? What a depressing, empty life...

Shame and a half! Sometimes modern technology gets in the way.

This is very Theology of the Body-ish. Ms. Hyatt may some day realize that the reason men and women are physically different in strategic places is because they "go together." Then again, it is hard to tell the difference between breasts, vaginas and smaller bones in comparison to chest hair, penises, scrotums and larger bones. Many people can't tell the difference when their eyes are closed tight to the light. Blind people have actually been known to even feel a difference between the two genders.

It may be a real forehead slapper Ms. Hyatt but ... Then again she may have educated and modernized herself right out of her 5 senses and her actual skin.

[laney]

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[RockinRight]

They already are, MG!

So how are you today?

[Publius6961]

I hate it when they leave out the end of the story!
Next thing you know we'll be hearing about "Adventures with Airport Security"....

I'll get the popcorn.

[RockinRight]

LOL...

[Clemenza]

I think her look (slut librarian) fits her attitude. I need to get her phone number.

[bvw]

Look, there are many (even most) non-slut librarians. Like the First Lady. Or some gals I dealt with at a local library lately -- one a tough coal-miner's daughter.

[Dashing Dasher]

You'll probably have to fight Laz for it!


;-)

[MotleyGirl70]

Sorry I missed your ping last night.

I'm feeling under the weather. I've got that nasty cold that's going around. Uck.

I was looking at the Summerfest schedule this morning and I'd like to see Tom Petty and The Black Crowes.

I've seen The Black Crowes (in '91?) during their "Shake Your Money Maker" tour, but I've never seen Tom Petty and I heard he puts on a really good show.

Tom Petty is really the one artist I want to see that I haven't seen yet.

[Mr. Blonde]

"Yeah, she's ok."

[RockinRight]

Same here. Never seen him, but would like to. Haven't seen the Black Crowes, either.