Here’s the hitch.
Hasselhoff was already a megastar in Europe, but he felt that he needed to kick off the release of his album with a bang. So, you know what he did? He got himself a damned blue screen and made perhaps the greatest music video EVER. And I don’t throw that phrase around often people. Only for something epic like this.
And by epic, I mean like an episode of Captain Planet on some ****ing heavy-duty acid. This sh!t makes Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas look like the Care Bear Movie.
I’m going to come out and say it. David Hasselhoff must have drank battery acid at some point in his life. In all honesty, that’s about the only way to describe the ensuing madness that is about to be displayed before your very eyes. This baby is off the charts.
Ladies and gentleman, this is "Hooked on a Feeling," the music video review.
The video begins innocently enough with a floating, spinning 3D cube that features different images of a bear, David Hasselhoff dressed as a safari man, and a dog all doing various things on their face of the cube while it says "Ooga Chakka, Hooga Hooga, Ooga Chakka, Hooga Hooga" repetitiously at the bottom of the screen.
Okay, so maybe that isn’t your idea of starting things off innocently, but I told you man, this baby is like Captain Planet on psychedelic drugs. Times nine hundred and thirty seven.
David Hasselhoff, wedding singer
Hasselhoff, wearing a tuxedo and clearly in front of a blue screen (the whole video will be like this) with an image of some odd wedding in the background, turns to us and begins to belt out his jam. I’m going to leave the lyrics out of this, because honestly, it’s hard to focus on them with the ruckus that is going on in the video. I’m sure you’ve heard the tune before anyway, although the original is obviously far superior to Hasselhoff’s schlock.
As Hasselhoff looks lustily into the camera, we’re suddenly taken from the wedding scene to an Arctic one where David is decked out in full Eskimo gear and appears to be sliding across the icy terrain all the while singing his song. Oh, the skills this man has!
Soon enough, we learn that Hasselhoff is not using his Godlike powers to simply skate across the ice on his feet; he is actually riding on a toboggan while standing straight up! (I’m going to apologize for the exclamation points now, this video just gets me so excited.)
From the toboggan scene we head back to the wedding where David turns around to croon to us once again, before dancing on the blue-screen cake and then shooting out of the frame and off the cake into a totally different scene.
Why, it’s Crocodile Hasselhoff! Oh my, oh my! At first, this latest breed of Hasselhoff floats in midair, but he is then relocated to some type of pond area where there are two creatures roaming in the background. Call me odd, but this is starting to get surreal!
Out of nowhere come two little girls from the sky. Unlike Hasselhoff, these two actually have a reason to fly, because by golly, they have umbrellas! Makes a little more sense now, doesn’t it.
This is starting to get a little scary. Dave cuts back into the ooga chakka part of the song, and coincidentally enough we are shown scenes of David in Africa with natives on the blue screen while Outback Hasselhoff jumps up and down like an @sshole in front of the bizarre scene.
David is riding some sort of contraption with a lovely mountainous scene in the background when he catches the 3D cube from the beginning of the video and spins it on his finger like a Harlem Globetrotter would. You dog, you! Busting out a trick from another amazing David’s bag of tricks, Mr. Copperfield himself, Hasselhoff improbably turns one 3D cube into two 3D cubes! Say it ain’t so! What can this man not do?
Things take a turn for the stranger (if you can believe that), as Hasselhoff throws the cubes straight up into the sky where a flying Hasselhoff with arms flapping is waiting.
The angels of death follow him shortly.
Is it me, or do you have the feeling that Hasselhoff and the producers of this video never had any intentions of those little girls in the video? I think this is what you call divine intervention. They were sent as a message for Hasselhoff to stop lapping battery acid out of a bowl like a damned dog.
Hasselhoff is now back in his wedding gear as he serenades us in front of a remote island location. Oddly enough, there is a dachshund, I believe, to his right. No, I don’t get it either.
Whoa! In the next scene, for the first time, Hasselhoff appears out on some dock without the blue screen! Shocking! It looks as if he likes to hang out at the North Pole or something. What a strange bird. When’s the last time you called someone a "strange bird?" I do believe this situation is appropriate for that term.
Well, so much for the lack of a blue screen, because in the next scene a motorcycle comes into view with Hasselhoff riding it by standing straight up on it. What a ****ing madman. The last time I saw lunacy like this . . . WHAT THE ****?!?!? Some alien creature just bounced across the screen with what appeared to be eggs over easy with red yolks as eyes. I’m telling you, battery acid is the only way this could have happened. What a ****ing lunatic.
As the alien bounces out of the screen, Hasselhoff decides to hold onto the handlebars. Just the handlebars. Look for yourself.
If holding onto just the handlebars wasn’t nutty enough, Hasselhoff then lets go and begins to soar through the air like the Superman he is. He floats over some flower field as the instrumental part of the song takes over. I take back what I said about him flying like Superman . . . it looks as if he is a kite up there, letting the wind take him wherever it pleases. Oh, the places you will go, David!
Dave lets go of the handlebars and prepares to take off into the air
As the instrumental solo ends, the "Hooga Chakkas" kick in and we're greeted by Eskimo Hasselhoff once again as he slides down an icy mountain. That quickly ends and we see him dancing around at the wedding scene again and then finally we’re back to Outback Hasselhoff as the flying Hasselhoff swoops in from the background. YES! YES! YES! I LOVE IT!
Is that a feather in his mouth?
Now that both of these @ssholes are singing, my mind is totally shot . . . and we are only at the 2:20 mark of this video. When will the madness end? WHEN?!?!? Apparently not now, because Hasselhoff is back to his dock at the North Pole and looks to the skies to see the angels of death coming to slaughter his soul.
Once again, we go through a few Hasselhoff shots in different areas, him bouncing with the natives of Africa, singing at the wedding and holding onto the handlebars of the motorcycle as he floats sideways. Then we see the crazy ****er going down the icy slope again with real skiers in the background on the blue screen.
We get a few more random shots of Outback Hasselhoff and Flying Hasselhoff, before we go to Eskimo Hasselhoff going down the mountain. Only this time Hasselhoff catches a humongous fish and holds it in his mouth. I’m at a loss of words, but not for long because another Hasselhoff is trying to get in on the scene from the side and looks to be running in place. Finally he breaks into the screen and we see that Motorcycle Hasselhoff is chasing him. And then, my God, the alien creature from before bounces across the screen. WHY? HELP ME GOD, PLEASE? When does the hurting stop?!? WHEN?!?!?
Unfortunately, I cannot find a shot of the alien, but you can see him for yourself when you watch the wonderful video.
Finally Hasselhoff flies in the air with the angels before we get the closing shot of a Hasselhoff in the foreground with one in the background blue screen dancing on the skyline of some city, Anchorage I believe.
If you want to view this insanity for yourself, just click here. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is the kind of thing that can give you epileptic seizures if you aren’t careful.
But if one things is for sure, this is a video you will never, EVER forget. I know I have nightmares about that alien creature and two Hasselhoff’s serenading me almost every other night.
Godspeed.