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Saturday Night Fun: David Hasselhoff Is "Hooked on a Feeling"
ZubazPants.com ^ | 12/8/04 | Jim Byrne

Posted on 01/21/2006 7:57:40 PM PST by Xenalyte

The year was 2002. The man was David Hasselhoff. The album was "Hooked on a Feeling," a collection of songs recorded by the great one himself.

Here’s the hitch.

Hasselhoff was already a megastar in Europe, but he felt that he needed to kick off the release of his album with a bang. So, you know what he did? He got himself a damned blue screen and made perhaps the greatest music video EVER. And I don’t throw that phrase around often people. Only for something epic like this.

And by epic, I mean like an episode of Captain Planet on some ****ing heavy-duty acid. This sh!t makes Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas look like the Care Bear Movie.

I’m going to come out and say it. David Hasselhoff must have drank battery acid at some point in his life. In all honesty, that’s about the only way to describe the ensuing madness that is about to be displayed before your very eyes. This baby is off the charts.

Ladies and gentleman, this is "Hooked on a Feeling," the music video review.



The video begins innocently enough with a floating, spinning 3D cube that features different images of a bear, David Hasselhoff dressed as a safari man, and a dog all doing various things on their face of the cube while it says "Ooga Chakka, Hooga Hooga, Ooga Chakka, Hooga Hooga" repetitiously at the bottom of the screen.

Okay, so maybe that isn’t your idea of starting things off innocently, but I told you man, this baby is like Captain Planet on psychedelic drugs. Times nine hundred and thirty seven.



David Hasselhoff, wedding singer

Hasselhoff, wearing a tuxedo and clearly in front of a blue screen (the whole video will be like this) with an image of some odd wedding in the background, turns to us and begins to belt out his jam. I’m going to leave the lyrics out of this, because honestly, it’s hard to focus on them with the ruckus that is going on in the video. I’m sure you’ve heard the tune before anyway, although the original is obviously far superior to Hasselhoff’s schlock.

As Hasselhoff looks lustily into the camera, we’re suddenly taken from the wedding scene to an Arctic one where David is decked out in full Eskimo gear and appears to be sliding across the icy terrain all the while singing his song. Oh, the skills this man has!



Soon enough, we learn that Hasselhoff is not using his Godlike powers to simply skate across the ice on his feet; he is actually riding on a toboggan while standing straight up! (I’m going to apologize for the exclamation points now, this video just gets me so excited.)



From the toboggan scene we head back to the wedding where David turns around to croon to us once again, before dancing on the blue-screen cake and then shooting out of the frame and off the cake into a totally different scene.



Why, it’s Crocodile Hasselhoff! Oh my, oh my! At first, this latest breed of Hasselhoff floats in midair, but he is then relocated to some type of pond area where there are two creatures roaming in the background. Call me odd, but this is starting to get surreal!



Out of nowhere come two little girls from the sky. Unlike Hasselhoff, these two actually have a reason to fly, because by golly, they have umbrellas! Makes a little more sense now, doesn’t it.



This is starting to get a little scary. Dave cuts back into the ooga chakka part of the song, and coincidentally enough we are shown scenes of David in Africa with natives on the blue screen while Outback Hasselhoff jumps up and down like an @sshole in front of the bizarre scene.



David is riding some sort of contraption with a lovely mountainous scene in the background when he catches the 3D cube from the beginning of the video and spins it on his finger like a Harlem Globetrotter would. You dog, you! Busting out a trick from another amazing David’s bag of tricks, Mr. Copperfield himself, Hasselhoff improbably turns one 3D cube into two 3D cubes! Say it ain’t so! What can this man not do?



Things take a turn for the stranger (if you can believe that), as Hasselhoff throws the cubes straight up into the sky where a flying Hasselhoff with arms flapping is waiting.



The angels of death follow him shortly.



Is it me, or do you have the feeling that Hasselhoff and the producers of this video never had any intentions of those little girls in the video? I think this is what you call divine intervention. They were sent as a message for Hasselhoff to stop lapping battery acid out of a bowl like a damned dog.

Hasselhoff is now back in his wedding gear as he serenades us in front of a remote island location. Oddly enough, there is a dachshund, I believe, to his right. No, I don’t get it either.



Whoa! In the next scene, for the first time, Hasselhoff appears out on some dock without the blue screen! Shocking! It looks as if he likes to hang out at the North Pole or something. What a strange bird. When’s the last time you called someone a "strange bird?" I do believe this situation is appropriate for that term.



Well, so much for the lack of a blue screen, because in the next scene a motorcycle comes into view with Hasselhoff riding it by standing straight up on it. What a ****ing madman. The last time I saw lunacy like this . . . WHAT THE ****?!?!? Some alien creature just bounced across the screen with what appeared to be eggs over easy with red yolks as eyes. I’m telling you, battery acid is the only way this could have happened. What a ****ing lunatic.

As the alien bounces out of the screen, Hasselhoff decides to hold onto the handlebars. Just the handlebars. Look for yourself.



If holding onto just the handlebars wasn’t nutty enough, Hasselhoff then lets go and begins to soar through the air like the Superman he is. He floats over some flower field as the instrumental part of the song takes over. I take back what I said about him flying like Superman . . . it looks as if he is a kite up there, letting the wind take him wherever it pleases. Oh, the places you will go, David!



Dave lets go of the handlebars and prepares to take off into the air



As the instrumental solo ends, the "Hooga Chakkas" kick in and we're greeted by Eskimo Hasselhoff once again as he slides down an icy mountain. That quickly ends and we see him dancing around at the wedding scene again and then finally we’re back to Outback Hasselhoff as the flying Hasselhoff swoops in from the background. YES! YES! YES! I LOVE IT!



Is that a feather in his mouth?

Now that both of these @ssholes are singing, my mind is totally shot . . . and we are only at the 2:20 mark of this video. When will the madness end? WHEN?!?!? Apparently not now, because Hasselhoff is back to his dock at the North Pole and looks to the skies to see the angels of death coming to slaughter his soul.





Once again, we go through a few Hasselhoff shots in different areas, him bouncing with the natives of Africa, singing at the wedding and holding onto the handlebars of the motorcycle as he floats sideways. Then we see the crazy ****er going down the icy slope again with real skiers in the background on the blue screen.





We get a few more random shots of Outback Hasselhoff and Flying Hasselhoff, before we go to Eskimo Hasselhoff going down the mountain. Only this time Hasselhoff catches a humongous fish and holds it in his mouth. I’m at a loss of words, but not for long because another Hasselhoff is trying to get in on the scene from the side and looks to be running in place. Finally he breaks into the screen and we see that Motorcycle Hasselhoff is chasing him. And then, my God, the alien creature from before bounces across the screen. WHY? HELP ME GOD, PLEASE? When does the hurting stop?!? WHEN?!?!?



Unfortunately, I cannot find a shot of the alien, but you can see him for yourself when you watch the wonderful video.

Finally Hasselhoff flies in the air with the angels before we get the closing shot of a Hasselhoff in the foreground with one in the background blue screen dancing on the skyline of some city, Anchorage I believe.





If you want to view this insanity for yourself, just click here. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is the kind of thing that can give you epileptic seizures if you aren’t careful.

But if one things is for sure, this is a video you will never, EVER forget. I know I have nightmares about that alien creature and two Hasselhoff’s serenading me almost every other night.

Godspeed.


TOPICS: Arts/Photography; Humor; Miscellaneous; Music/Entertainment
KEYWORDS: areyoukiddingme; crazygermans; darkshearesfault; hasselhoff; hookedonafeeling; hothothot
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To: Allegra
We are just so happy to help!

We're doing the Spidey Dance!

Image hosting by Photobucket

101 posted on 01/22/2006 9:12:50 AM PST by Dashing Dasher (Saving the Republic - one joke at a time)
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To: Dashing Dasher

Spidey dances a tad gay. We need to work on that. ;-)


102 posted on 01/22/2006 9:15:42 AM PST by Allegra (Every Day is One of Those Days)
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To: Allegra
How about The Dynamite Dance!??

Image hosting by Photobucket

103 posted on 01/22/2006 9:17:34 AM PST by Dashing Dasher (Saving the Republic - one joke at a time)
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To: Xenalyte

OMG!! I don't know who's laughing harder- me, or David on his way to the bank.


104 posted on 01/22/2006 9:18:00 AM PST by TADSLOS (Right Wing Infidel since 1954)
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To: Dashing Dasher

I'm learning that dance.


105 posted on 01/22/2006 9:30:38 AM PST by Xenalyte (Can you count, suckas? I say the future is ours . . . if you can count.)
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To: Dashing Dasher
Napoleon! My hero! Now I DIG his dance!

"Don't be jealous just because I can sit around and chat with babes online all day."

106 posted on 01/22/2006 9:31:20 AM PST by Allegra (Every Day is One of Those Days)
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To: Allegra
Image hosting by Photobucket

Why do you love me?
Why do you need me?
Always and forever...
We met in a chatroom, now our love can fully bloom...
Sure the world wide web is great, but you, you make my salivate...
I love technology, but not as much as you, you see...
But I STILL love technology...
Always and forever.
Our love is like a flock of doves, flying up to heaven above... always and forever, always and forever...
Why do you need me?
Why do you love me?
Always and forever...

107 posted on 01/22/2006 9:47:38 AM PST by Dashing Dasher (Saving the Republic - one joke at a time)
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To: Xenalyte; Dashing Dasher
Now that's embarrassing !!!!! I did save the clip though, I think I'll try watching it again after 12 tequila's.
Kudos to the alien !!!! Reminds me of the " this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs" commercial !!!!! LOL
108 posted on 01/22/2006 10:46:59 AM PST by dfwddr (Join our Folding@Home team (Team# 36120) keyword:folding.)
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To: xsmommy; Xenalyte
OMG he is still wearing that tagline???? taglines are like underwear....B... ; )

'Tis all in jest, m'dear...don't be a party pooper. : )

109 posted on 01/22/2006 11:16:34 AM PST by TheBigB (Say the word "pooper" to xsmommy and watch the reaction. : ))
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To: George Stupidnopolis; Xenalyte
It sounds as if the author of the article is too young to have ever heard of Blue Swede or realize that Hasselhoff is covering them.
David Hasselhoff isn't imaginitave enough to have thought up the whole "Hooka Chukka" thang.
110 posted on 01/22/2006 11:36:31 AM PST by Bloody Sam Roberts (Crime cannot be tolerated. Criminals thrive on the indulgences of society's understanding.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

*Scream of abject terror as mind melts*


111 posted on 01/22/2006 11:40:53 AM PST by Darksheare (And baby says "RAAAAR!")
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To: Darksheare

Come back! There's more!


112 posted on 01/22/2006 11:43:34 AM PST by Slings and Arrows ("Ooga Chakka, Hooga Hooga, Ooga Chakka, Hooga Hooga" --D. Hasselhoff)
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To: Xenalyte
Didja happen to notice the audio artifact present in the playback at the 51 second mark?
Listen again....the person who recorded this video on their PC obviously received mail during the recording process. You can clearly hear the Outlook Express default "notify.wav" file playing.
It also happens right at the end.

Did you happen to watch the clip on that same site called "Bareback Mountain"? Hilarious.

113 posted on 01/22/2006 11:47:36 AM PST by Bloody Sam Roberts (Crime cannot be tolerated. Criminals thrive on the indulgences of society's understanding.)
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To: feinswinesuksass

114 posted on 01/22/2006 11:49:54 AM PST by Rebelbase (I love global warming in the winter.)
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To: feinswinesuksass; Xenalyte

Is he pointing his toes in this picture (with the shar peis)?

Ick.


115 posted on 01/22/2006 12:13:43 PM PST by Dashing Dasher (Saving the Republic - one joke at a time)
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To: Xenalyte
My husband thinks it makes sense if you're German

I haven't seen the actual video (yet), but just from reviewing the review, I suspect your husband may not have the utmost respect for Germans....

116 posted on 01/22/2006 12:31:16 PM PST by Hegewisch Dupa
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To: Xenalyte

I couldn't have possibly seen what I just saw.


117 posted on 01/22/2006 2:01:27 PM PST by EveningStar
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To: Xenalyte
I don't post often, but I have to thank you for this. I have been laughing at this literally all day! It must be the stress I'm living right now, but this was damn funny. I had to share it with others too. 8)

I substitute German with French would be my only comment.
118 posted on 01/22/2006 4:34:53 PM PST by Raffus
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To: Dashing Dasher
Who would have ever thunk that we would have a "Dom Ping List" and an "Ultimate Nutball David Hasselhoff Video Ping List" here at FR!

Only on FR! And only with you, Dasher! LOL.

Hey, I'm in Newport Beach until Thurs.for a Statistics conference. I am queen of the dorks. LOL! But I can finally see the sun, after who knows how many months!

Yay! Hawks! 12th Man!

119 posted on 01/22/2006 4:49:36 PM PST by phantomworker (Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.)
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To: xsmommy; Xenalyte; TheBigB
"OMG he is still wearing that tagline???? taglines are like underwear"

If taglines are like underwear.....you aren't wearing any. ;^)

120 posted on 01/22/2006 6:15:29 PM PST by Feiny (Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.)
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