Santa's Southern Replacement

email from Dave | December 24, 2005 | unknown

[Jemian]

Memo from Santa:

    I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve Georgia, Florida, West Virginia, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Ohio, Louisiana or Alabama on Christmas Eve.

    Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.     However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.

    But, as you'll see, there are a few differences between us. And they are as follows:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola with peanuts and a moon pie on the fireplace.
3. And Bubba Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He chews a wad, so please have an empty spit can handy.
4. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. (I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
5. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
6. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw! " And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat! "
7. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a sticker on the back proclaiming "American by birth, Southern by the grace of God."
8. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on! 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
9. If you want to catch a glimpse of Bubba Claus, you have to look way back, up, over yonder (wherever the dickens that is!)
And Finally ...
10. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

    Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North

[Jemian]

God Bless Us Every One!

[Jemian]

This is from our old friend, Dave.

[nevergore]

My double wide is awaitin' his visit....

Yeeh Haw...

[Neets]

10. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

LOL I see that Santa in my living room right now...hehehe

[Jemian]

Oh, ho. Bit's visiting this year?

[freedumb2003]

LOL

[Gone_Postal]

[jtill]

With good ol' Bubba Claus in control, I don't think we need to worry about Christmas being obliterated!

Best Wishes for a wonderful Christmas.