Posted on 11/21/2005 10:25:57 AM PST by Barney59
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Children who are spanked when they misbehave are more likely to be anxious and aggressive than children who are disciplined in nonphysical ways, research shows. This is true even if spanking is the "cultural norm."
Whether parents should spank their children or use other forms of physical discipline is controversial. Some experts argue that children should not be spanked when they act out citing evidence that it leads to more, rather than fewer, behavior problems and it could escalate into physical abuse. There are data to support this argument.
Other experts, however, argue that the effects of spanking and physical discipline might depend on the characteristics of the child and family and the circumstances in which it is used.
(Excerpt) Read more at news.yahoo.com ...
I agree to some extent, older children ordinarily should not be punished physically. After 8 years of age (approximately) physical discipline tends to cause frustration that leads to broadening resentment. Rather than striking an older child, a look, a hard squeeze or "love tap" on the rear will be more effective. You have to let them know you are stronger. Remember, we are dealing with fallen nature!
Well, when she was smaller, I used to just pick her up and take her out of the environment (i.e. public place). Now, on the rare occasion that she gets whiny or defiant with me in public, I just whisper in her ear: "Are you going to stop this right now, or do you want me to drag you out of here kicking and screaming in front of all these people?" It works.
I taught her not to lie to me when she had just turned four, by imposing a punishment of no sweets for a week. That was EXTREMELY effective. Since then, I have taught her that one of the worst things you can do is lie to God. So when I ask her a question and I'm not satisfied with her answer, I say: "Swear to God?" and she always confesses or tells me the truth.
Of course, I let her hold me to the same standard. I'm not allowed to lie to God either.
On some occasions I have banished her from my home office (or whatever room I'm in), and let her go sulk in private. I would not allow her back in to the room I was in until she was contrite, apologetic, and able to promise she would not repeat the offense.
It is not my nature to ever express anger by screaming, so on extremely rare occasions, when I have been pushed beyond limits, I have made a show of yelling at her -- which made quite an impression because she so rarely has ever seen me lose my temper. (Actually, I don't really lose it, because I keep control, but I let her see how angry I can get if she pushes me). Lesson learned.
I have only ever had to do that three times in her life, and to this day she still talks about the time I got really mad.
A few months ago, she started to be fresh with me in front of her friends, to show them how cool she could be. I gently pulled her aside and whispered in her ear so her friends couldn't hear: "Are you going to knock it off, or would you rather I just embarrass you in front of your friends right now by ending this playdate?"
That stopped the behavior, and we spent a lot of time after that talking about my expectations regarding her behavior. She doesn't sass me in front of her friends any more.
She is a good kid, but does act up occasionally. At this point, I find that a whispered reminder and a serious "Daddy look" is enough to put an end to problem behavior.
We have a great bond, with a lot of trust and openness with each other. I have worked hard to instill that. I think if I ever spanked her, it would really screw that up.
The difference between a kid and a terrorist is that in most cases, the kid isn't determined to see you dead at all costs. So you can reason and negotiate, and even punish, from a position of love.
On the other hand, I think we should kill as many terrorists as we can without a second thought. As Sun Tzu said: "When your enemy is angry, irritate him."
I agree with that. As Tony Soprano told his wife Carmela when they were having a problem with their daughter: "If she ever finds out we have no real power, we're f**ked."
Bull.
If your kid still needs spankings by the time they're a teenager, you've failed. Spanking shouldn't be to control, but to teach.
To rephrase your question, what will you do when your child becomes a teenager and no longer fears God catching her in a lie? Probably the same thing I (a spanker) will do; pray that we communicated the importance of honesty in their formative years. :-)
Take a pinch of hair by the temple and pull, works better than any slap and stops the hitting.
Pain is not the goal.
Instilling momentary fear of physical punishment in a kid over time has to create a long-term lack of respect, mistrust and resentment towards the parent.
Exactly the opposite.
The problem is,
depending on the child,
Maceman is right...
It may work in some kids,
but in others,
well....
You have those who never trust an adult again.
The feminization of America continues...
CONTORLLED aggression (spanking) without malice teaches children valuable lessons.
1) Yes, Daddy and Mommy ARE in charge
2) Yes, there ARE consequences for my bad behaviour
And - as they grow...
3) Mom and Dad must love me, because they wouldn't let me turn into a little jackass
4) Hey - controlled aggression CAN solve a problem now and then.
5) I better watch my behavior, because there may be someone around who can MAKE me behave.
About #4 - Controlled aggression must, by definition, be appropriately scaled. It ranges from a couple of swats with a wooden spoon causing no physical damage to a child who refuses to behave properly, to a small grouping of shots in the chest, stopping a home invader from killing me and raping my wife. It CAN solve problems. It is NOT always bad.
Bingo. But by that time, I hope I will have succeeded in instilling her honesty with me as a habit. Being of Jewish ancestry, I know a thing or two about guilt.
She likes to torture me by reminding me there are only six more years unil she is a . . . TEENAGER!!! (Oh God, Not that.)
We kid about it, and I always make her promise not to break her poor old Daddy's heart by doing stupid things when she's a teenager. She always says so earnestly: "I won't break your heart Daddy, I SWEAR TO GOD."
Everything in moderation. When discipling be sure to use moderation in moderation.
Just remember ..."This is going to hurt you alot more than it is going to hurt me."
You need to video tape your daughter promising not to break your heart. I have a tape of mine telling me that I am the best mommy in the whole world. When she is a teenager I will probaly have to play it back for her!!!!!!:)
agreed. its almost amusing walking thru the supermarket with my child. there is always that spoiled brat sceaming because they didn't get their way and listening to my little girl say "baby cry, naughty baby, throw fit. sit down." 2 years old and probably already could be a better parent than some of these people.
"sit down" is what she has to do when she throws a fit. she sits there and is ignored until she has been calm for about 2 minutes. "sit down" usually also follows a spanking.
Exactly! We're both trying to instill good habits in our children. It doesn't matter how you do it, as long as the results last.
I have a video tape I made of her being mad at me when she was three. She said she'd never love me anymore because I wouldn't take her to the mall.
When she watches it with me now, I laugh, but she gets very embarrassed and always hugs me and says: "You know I love you, don't you Daddy?"
The only thing that warms the cockles of my heart more is when she races me up the stairs shouting: "Last one up is a DEMOCRAT!!"
The goal is not to inflict pain, but to firmly establish authority. And as another poster said, you have to have the right mix of love and discipline. I don't swat my kids very often, but when I do, they know they are in HUUUUUGE trouble.
I haven't had to spank my ten year old for years. She flat out knows what the rules are and who the boss is.
My two year old is just learning that, through the spanking consequences when she tells me no. I'm on my third kid, and it is a proven winner for me.
And boy do I see A LOT of kids these days who could use a good old fashioned spanking. All this time out rigamarole has produced an entire generation of spoiled, disrespectful brats.
You don't need to spank a teenager, if discipline is needed after 9 or 10, you take away privileges. A child of mine raising a hand in anger to me does not compute, anymore than me raising a hand in anger to my mom. All my children are terrific adults, strong morals, hard working and conservative.
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