W00T! IT's FRIDAY!
W00T! IT's FRIDAY!
I'm here and the day is good so far.
So far ;)
I finally made it before the first 100.
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
Whooo Hooo! Last Friday before deer season silliness.
Morning All, busy day at work. Big Court filing due today. I will try to check in as much as possible!!!
... she'll whore herself out to any ready Islamofascist for a bagful of sparklies...
... she'll even wed (and bed!) The Lord of the Flies, his own baaaaaaaaaad self.
LOIS LANE: "Major Comic Book Slutbunny." :)
For Freeper's enjoyment:
READ THE STORY FIRST BEFORE YOU GO TO THE SITE:
(WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
DO NOT SEND THIS TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE WEAK HEARTS!!!!! DO NOT OPEN IT IF YOU HAVE A WEAK HEART, AND I'M NOT KIDDING!!!!!! DO NOT LET LITTLE CHILDREN SEE THIS!!!!! AGAIN, WARNING, THIS IS VERY SCARY, IT MADE ME JUMP OUT MY SEAT, AND MADE A FRIEND OF MINE CRY FROM FRIGHT. (Again, I'm not kidding)
Strange but interesting.
This is a car advertisement from Great Britain. When they finished filming the ad, the film editor noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist. They found out that a person had been killed a year earlier in that exact same spot.
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The ad was never put on TV because of the unexplained ghostly phenomenon. Watch the front end of the car as it clears the trees in the middle of the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing in front of the car then following it along the road....Spooky!
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Is it a ghost, or is it simply mist? You decide. If you listen to the ad you'll even hear the cameraman whispering in the background about itnear the end of the commercial.
A little creepy but pretty cool!
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/mov_specialcarad.htm
OIL SHORTAGE 101
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to havean oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and TEXAS
But, our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington
This is kinda cool...
http://soap.chattablogs.com/archives/flash/tetka.swf
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her
husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing the little boy already is in there.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$150"
Man: "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again, the boy and the lover are trapped in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last shakedown, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$350"
Man: "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the boy's father says, "Grab your ball and glove, let's go outside and play catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to church and the father leads his little son sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, kid. You're in my closet now."
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...
"Probably at work."
Hair removal 101...God love the woman who shared this ...
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ringpainfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss.
How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.
*YA THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids Isneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S&%T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S&%T I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!!
I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than they used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.............
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE..........ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
The Gunny wasn't happy. Just short of 30 years in his beloved Corp and that `shave-tail' lieutenant assigned him `ornament duty' at the JFK Center.
It was May of `93 and there were a lot of new people coming out of the woodwork, an aggressive breed that didn't hesitate to shove & push. His job was to stand there in dress uniform with sword, cross his right arm across his chest and say: "A through L to the right", then switch arms and say, "M through Z to the left". There was some special seating but he was assured that they would discreetly show him a ticket and he would then direct them to a head usher. That was all he had to do.
Just before the doors closed a fierce looking matron approached him, trailed by a pear-shaped consort, and announced, "I have a mezzanine seat."
He waited, but nothing was produced by the woman, so he went into his drill, "A through L . . ." etc. She was taken aback at first but then almost shouted, "I insist, private--I have a mezzanine seat!"
He looked over at the head usher and could see that bird was not getting involved. Meanwhile he did his thing, pointing people left and right.
Finally she grabbed his arm and hissed, "I have very important friends, one at the very top! I have a special mezzanine seat, and I must insist that you . . ".
People were watching. He could take it no longer.
He became a ram-rod and bellowed, "Lady, I don't care if you got brass tits. A through L to the right, M through Z to the left!"
1. enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. search for the guilty
5. punishment of the innocent
6. praise and honor for the non-participants
