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***Offical Friday Silliness Thread***
Ever want to be a contagion? ^ | 09/02/2008 | The Usual Suspects

Posted on 09/02/2005 5:46:40 AM PDT by BJClinton

TGIF! Earlier this week I thought I'd want to skip the OFST due to the disaster in Nawlins. But after reading lefties actually blame Katrina on Bush, blame the resulting flooding on Bush and then blame the rioting on Bush, I need to unwind in a big way. So, without further ado:



Not silly, but...just, awww...




TOPICS: Cheese, Moose, Sister; Humor
KEYWORDS: ofst; omgwtfbbq; tgif
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To: BJClinton
These are crackin' me up BJClinton...


261 posted on 09/02/2005 10:09:04 AM PDT by r-q-tek86 (Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States)
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To: Baynative
My piggy bank after buying gas yesterday.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
262 posted on 09/02/2005 10:11:05 AM PDT by TXBSAFH (Free Traitors are communist China's modern day "Useful Idiots")
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To: All

Instructions for giving your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA* to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Shalom.

263 posted on 09/02/2005 10:13:57 AM PDT by ArGee (So that's how liberty dies, with thunderous applause. - Padme Amidala)
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To: r-q-tek86

264 posted on 09/02/2005 10:14:01 AM PDT by r-q-tek86 (Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States)
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To: r-q-tek86

Yeah, I wasted half a work day this week on that website.


265 posted on 09/02/2005 10:24:52 AM PDT by BJClinton (+ /_\)
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To: r-q-tek86
for the spelling nazis...


266 posted on 09/02/2005 10:27:03 AM PDT by r-q-tek86 (Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States)
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To: BJClinton
Yeah, I wasted half a work day this week on that website.

Yep...I'm shut down for the day... between phone calls at least

267 posted on 09/02/2005 10:28:14 AM PDT by r-q-tek86 (Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States)
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To: r-q-tek86

268 posted on 09/02/2005 10:42:14 AM PDT by BJClinton (+ /_\)
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Comment #269 Removed by Moderator

To: BJClinton

270 posted on 09/02/2005 10:53:58 AM PDT by BJClinton (+ /_\)
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To: MrsCinAZ

I'm driving from Everett, WA to Portland OR this weekend. It's 194.49 miles. But in a Ford Escort ZX-2, it's not even a tankful, so maybe it doesn't qualify.

:o)


271 posted on 09/02/2005 10:57:14 AM PDT by P-Chan Penny (Eat a toad for breakfast.... it's the worst thing that will happen to you all day!)
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To: BJClinton

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a
headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It
worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of
fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts
her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and
jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not
my
wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Monday


272 posted on 09/02/2005 11:12:53 AM PDT by blondatheart (No More Tears.....)
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To: BJClinton

The Associated Press Friday, August 29, 2005; 11:00 PM PARIS, France --

Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along
with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could
turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time.
Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned
substances were found in his South of France hotel room while on
vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap, which
have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years. Armstrong's
girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is quoted as saying "We use
them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be okay
throughout Europe."

Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also
physically searched Armstrong himself and found several other
interesting items that they have never seen before, including a backbone
and testicles.


273 posted on 09/02/2005 11:14:17 AM PDT by blondatheart (No More Tears.....)
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To: MrsCinAZ
And how many are staying put, because of the high cost of gas?

I wish I could stay put, but I have to pick up the family. It's not just the cost - I would stay put to leave the gas for someone else to use and to help the supply build back up.

Shalom.

274 posted on 09/02/2005 11:14:22 AM PDT by ArGee (So that's how liberty dies, with thunderous applause. - Padme Amidala)
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To: BJClinton

One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you’re craving a philly sub and steak fries.

Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps' shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke-yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five dumps you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now


275 posted on 09/02/2005 11:18:13 AM PDT by blondatheart (No More Tears.....)
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To: dixiechick2000

276 posted on 09/02/2005 11:21:17 AM PDT by BenLurkin (O beautiful for patriot dream - that sees beyond the years)
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To: blondatheart
including a backbone and testicles.

Well... one anyway...

277 posted on 09/02/2005 11:24:33 AM PDT by r-q-tek86 (Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States)
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To: BJClinton

If you could add me to your ping list for OFST?

Thanks!


278 posted on 09/02/2005 11:29:51 AM PDT by JeffreyH ("Est Sularus oth Mithas")
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To: BJClinton

Please add me the the OFST ping list, thanks.


279 posted on 09/02/2005 11:33:38 AM PDT by TXBSAFH (Free Traitors are communist China's modern day "Useful Idiots")
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick

Glad to hear everyone is healing up.

Sounds like you have your holiday weekend all lined up.

Enjoy it!


280 posted on 09/02/2005 11:42:38 AM PDT by blackie (Be Well~Be Armed~Be Safe~Molon Labe!)
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