*** Official Friday Silliness ***

w00t! TGIF! A much better week than last but none-the-less, it's Friday and time for a little unwinding before the weekend. Speaking of which, if you're in central TX and have no compassion for your taste-buds, join me at the Austin Chronicle Hot Sauce Festival on Sunday.

The divorcees knife set:

Subject: POTENTIAL

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "So did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer!

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's

morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members

did not approve of her style, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member,

of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup parked in front of the town's

only bar one afternoon. She self-righteously told George and several others that

everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Being a man of few

words, George stared at her for a moment, then simply turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in Mildred's driveway ...

walked home ... and left it there all night.

Don't ya' just have to love ol' George . . . . . . ??!!

Getting Old Is Not For Sissies!
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

" Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful'"

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!

GOT TO LOVE EM - TENNESSEE
A guy from Tennessee passed away and left his entire
estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're staying in a Tennessee hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my
sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his
pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking
age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Tennessee?
Documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else, it
would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Tennessee State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Tennessee State Lottery?
(Come on- this is funny!)
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too.
Both books- POOF - up in flames and
he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A new law was recently passed in Tennessee. When a couple
gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from
'round here are ya?
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya
do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What
in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?
"The man says,"I mount animals".
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar...
"It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

New at the Pharmacy

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names....a trade name and a generic
name. For example, the generic name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve
is known as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin and Advil is ibuprofen.

The FDA(Federal Drug Administration) has been looking for a generic name
for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced it has settled on the generic name of coxafloppin.
Also considered were coxafailin, dixadrupin, dixarizin, dixadud,
dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.

Pfizer Corporation is making an announcement that VIAGRA will soon be
available in liquid form and will be marketed by Coca Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

Coke's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a "stiff one."

Obviously we can no longer call this a "soft" drink. This additive gives
new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old
fashioned stiff drink.Coke will market the new concoction under the name of "Mount & Do."

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