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What Your Beer Says About You
National Lampoon ^ | 1/2005 | staff

Posted on 07/29/2005 7:51:34 AM PDT by pissant

Keystone Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Bud Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Original Coors

You have never met me, because I don't know anyone who drinks this beer. I imagine, though, that you are some sort of mountain man with a scruffy beard who could use refreshment after spending weeks in the Rockies distancing himself from the trivialities of the modern world.

Corona Extra

You are married, live in the suburbs and are having friends over for a barbecue. There is also a chance that you really enjoy limes, but are having a difficult time working them into your diet. Small things amuse you and you enjoy watching the lime fizzle in the bottle after you stick your finger in and turn it upside down to achieve maximum limey pleasure.

Stag

Your stomach did something to make you angry and now you are returning the favor. You enjoy spending time on the toilet and will do it often for about three days if you drink a six pack of this beer-flavored laxative. Hunting is probably one of your hobbies and the red deer on the gold can is understandably difficult to pass up. Also, you may have lost a bet or are blind and could not tell which beer you were purchasing.

Guinness

You consider yourself something of a serious beer connoisseur. Undoubtedly you enjoy the occasional cup of coffee, as your choice of beer has a similar taste. When at a pub you like to partake in this brand because the foam on the top provides the opportunity for you to get a foam mustache and show your friends how funny you look. If you drink this beer regularly, you most likely claim some degree of Irish heritage. In all likelihood there was/is a "Guinness is Good For You" sign in your dorm/fraternity room/apartment.

Old Style (better known as Doggy Style)

You are at Wrigley Field watching the Cubs. There is no other excuse to drink this.

Michelob Ultra

You desire to be fit and attractive very much, but are unwilling to give up things—like beer drinking—that are necessary to achieve this goal. The word "carbs" was an important part of your vocabulary during the low carbs craze, but you are not really sure what the benefits of cutting carbs out of your diet might be. However, to be safe, you will drink a beer that claims to be low in carbs.


TOPICS: Chit/Chat
KEYWORDS: brewski
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To: BJClinton

"lol, lay off the bock a little...

Have you done their factory tour? You get 4 beers for free at the end of it."

Cool! I just found out a few days ago where the factory was, I think I will pass through in a few months when I go down to Galveston!


221 posted on 07/29/2005 7:02:30 PM PDT by neb52
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To: proudofthesouth

Do you brew your own or do you buy ones like Hornsby?


222 posted on 07/29/2005 7:04:21 PM PDT by neb52
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To: pissant; hispanarepublicana; BJClinton

"That's a Texas beer, isn't it? I thought everyone drank Lone Star & Pearl down there! ;o"

Na Lonestar is for when we plant our fat butts into intertubes to float the Guadelupe for several lazy hours and Shiner for bar hopping(its on tap everywhere!). :P

and you mentioned Miller earlier, there is a brewing plant South of me on I-35W that I have to hold my nose when I drive by. For some reason it stinks like a dead skunk!


223 posted on 07/29/2005 7:20:29 PM PDT by neb52
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To: neb52
Na Lonestar is for when we plant our fat butts into intertubes to float the Guadelupe

*sigh* Ahhhhh, it doesn't get any better than that.

224 posted on 07/29/2005 7:22:21 PM PDT by hispanarepublicana (There will be no bad talk or loud talk in this place. CB Stubblefield.)
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To: hispanarepublicana

No it doesn't!ROFL!


225 posted on 07/29/2005 7:35:03 PM PDT by neb52
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To: neb52

I buy Hornsby. I love the smell of "regular" beer but don't like the taste of it. However Hornsby Apple Cider is really, really good. I've read that Sam Adams makes a beer that tastes like chocolate but I haven't been able to find it in my area.


226 posted on 07/29/2005 7:49:14 PM PDT by proudofthesouth (Boycotting movies since 1988)
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To: pissant; humblegunner

"Sounds like a full blown malady! ;o)"

OH yes.

But I must mention that he was a Lead Guitarist, and y' know, musicians are "different." At the time I did kinda make the conclusion that there was something about Hoppin' Gator which appealed to shall we say...O.K....say it...totally insane persons. There. I was honest. He went out of his way to find this stuff...probably 2,500 miles from the nearest legitimate distributorship.

On a POSITIVE note....ADOLPH COORS supports the Shooting Sports....which is why yours truly is hefting an tasty COORS right about now....rumor has it.


227 posted on 07/29/2005 9:04:29 PM PDT by PoorMuttly (just saying "Sorry" in advance)
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To: The SISU kid

Because, we don't burn our cans...we use them for target practice when we shoot off the front porch. :-)


228 posted on 07/29/2005 9:06:46 PM PDT by processing please hold (Islam and Christianity do not mix ----9-11 taught us that)
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To: Clemenza

Pilsener Urquell will do quite nicely.

Actually, it's the best.

...even though I probably AM a Czech hop farmer.


229 posted on 07/29/2005 9:07:39 PM PDT by PoorMuttly (just saying "Sorry" in advance)
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To: pbrown

As an after-thought, I drink coors lite outta bottles...glass shattering sounds better when you nail 'em.


230 posted on 07/29/2005 9:09:22 PM PDT by processing please hold (Islam and Christianity do not mix ----9-11 taught us that)
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To: proudofthesouth

Do you drink the Draft or Dark and Dry? I like the Dark and Dry when I have a good Churchill size spicy Cigar. I like Hornsby since its apple sweetness is just right. I have had others and either you can hardly taste the apple cider or it has to much sugar in it.


231 posted on 07/29/2005 10:07:49 PM PDT by neb52
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To: cowboyway

Good info. I'll stick to IPAs!


232 posted on 08/01/2005 4:22:07 AM PDT by pissant
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To: TheSpottedOwl

I miss the Schlitz Malt liquor Bull! ;o)


233 posted on 08/01/2005 4:22:41 AM PDT by pissant
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To: The SISU kid

It's the Placebo effect. ;o) Thinking you're drinking something healthier when you just tripled your intake to get the same buzz!


234 posted on 08/01/2005 4:23:41 AM PDT by pissant
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To: GodBlessRonaldReagan

Hey, it could've been worse. They could have paid you with ice beer! ;o)


235 posted on 08/01/2005 4:25:05 AM PDT by pissant
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To: The SISU kid

You look pretty fit for such a quaffer! ;o)


236 posted on 08/01/2005 4:25:38 AM PDT by pissant
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To: Clemenza

Had several Pilsner Urquells this weekend. One of the best lagers in the world. I also bought a couple of bottles of Belhaven Scottish ale (hard to find around here). Darn good stuff if you like Scottish beer!


237 posted on 08/01/2005 4:27:06 AM PDT by pissant
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To: Clemenza

LOL. That crap cannot be long for this world!


238 posted on 08/01/2005 4:27:55 AM PDT by pissant
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To: Springman

A Milwaukee's Best is highly suited for post-mowing refreshment. As long as it's 33 degrees and the weather is 80+. ;o)


239 posted on 08/01/2005 4:29:13 AM PDT by pissant
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To: pissant
I'm an O'Douls Non-Alcoholic Beer kinda guy.

"Tastes great, less inebriation!"

240 posted on 08/01/2005 4:29:27 AM PDT by Lazamataz (Islam is merely Nazism without the snappy fashion sense.)
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