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What Your Beer Says About You
National Lampoon ^ | 1/2005 | staff

Posted on 07/29/2005 7:51:34 AM PDT by pissant

Keystone Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Bud Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Original Coors

You have never met me, because I don't know anyone who drinks this beer. I imagine, though, that you are some sort of mountain man with a scruffy beard who could use refreshment after spending weeks in the Rockies distancing himself from the trivialities of the modern world.

Corona Extra

You are married, live in the suburbs and are having friends over for a barbecue. There is also a chance that you really enjoy limes, but are having a difficult time working them into your diet. Small things amuse you and you enjoy watching the lime fizzle in the bottle after you stick your finger in and turn it upside down to achieve maximum limey pleasure.

Stag

Your stomach did something to make you angry and now you are returning the favor. You enjoy spending time on the toilet and will do it often for about three days if you drink a six pack of this beer-flavored laxative. Hunting is probably one of your hobbies and the red deer on the gold can is understandably difficult to pass up. Also, you may have lost a bet or are blind and could not tell which beer you were purchasing.

Guinness

You consider yourself something of a serious beer connoisseur. Undoubtedly you enjoy the occasional cup of coffee, as your choice of beer has a similar taste. When at a pub you like to partake in this brand because the foam on the top provides the opportunity for you to get a foam mustache and show your friends how funny you look. If you drink this beer regularly, you most likely claim some degree of Irish heritage. In all likelihood there was/is a "Guinness is Good For You" sign in your dorm/fraternity room/apartment.

Old Style (better known as Doggy Style)

You are at Wrigley Field watching the Cubs. There is no other excuse to drink this.

Michelob Ultra

You desire to be fit and attractive very much, but are unwilling to give up things—like beer drinking—that are necessary to achieve this goal. The word "carbs" was an important part of your vocabulary during the low carbs craze, but you are not really sure what the benefits of cutting carbs out of your diet might be. However, to be safe, you will drink a beer that claims to be low in carbs.


TOPICS: Chit/Chat
KEYWORDS: brewski
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To: pissant
Yes, if the word "good" is omitted. ;o)

Damn.... fine print!!

LOL!

_________________________________________________

Good old Lone Star beer!

I used to love the taste when I was a kid...always sneaking sips when no one was looking.

Got snockered on my a$$ when I was around 7. Drug a chair to the refrigerator, pulled the beer down from the top shelf while my sister was 'watching' me (yeah, right;)... and drank the entire 6 pack.

My poor Mom thought I'd lost my mind when she got back, since I was running into furniture, falling down, laughing like a fool.

She had me in the car and on the way to the emergency room when I ralphed beer all over everything.

Man...... I got in SO much trouble for that! :)

181 posted on 07/29/2005 10:15:57 AM PDT by MamaTexan ( I'll TRY to behave........ I'll TRY to behave........ I'll TRY to behave........)
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To: pissant
I wonder how many states still have that silly 3.2% law.

Was in Colorado earlier this month - they still have that law on Sundays. 3.2% beer tastes wierd.
182 posted on 07/29/2005 10:16:38 AM PDT by elc
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To: onyx

Hey, it's as good as any other US lager, IMO.


183 posted on 07/29/2005 10:20:39 AM PDT by pissant
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To: colorcountry

Good point. Or stock an extra fridge with good beer once a month. Either way works just fine!


184 posted on 07/29/2005 10:21:38 AM PDT by pissant
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To: CONSERVE; Argh

I guess I can't call you a Canucklehead. ;o)


185 posted on 07/29/2005 10:22:12 AM PDT by pissant
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To: Ditto

ROFL. That's a keeper!


186 posted on 07/29/2005 10:22:40 AM PDT by pissant
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To: MamaTexan

That's a helluva story. No wonder you don't drink beer anymore! LOL


187 posted on 07/29/2005 10:28:27 AM PDT by pissant
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To: elc

Yes, the last thing american beer needs is to be watered down to 3.2%.


188 posted on 07/29/2005 10:30:09 AM PDT by pissant
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To: pissant
Yes, the last thing american beer needs is to be watered down to 3.2%

Beer Alcohol Content

189 posted on 07/29/2005 11:08:37 AM PDT by cowboyway (My heroes have always been cowboys.)
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To: MamaTexan

Minus but not in a bad way


190 posted on 07/29/2005 11:15:10 AM PDT by Rightly Biased (<><)
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To: Ditto

You're a guy, ain't ya ;)


191 posted on 07/29/2005 11:15:46 AM PDT by najida (Now living with cutting edge 1950's technology.)
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To: najida

How'd ya guess?


192 posted on 07/29/2005 11:25:45 AM PDT by Ditto ( No trees were killed in sending this message, but billions of electrons were inconvenienced.)
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No one has mentioned my personal favorites: Natty Ice, Country Club, and Icehouse. Oh well, I'm a cheapskate...


193 posted on 07/29/2005 11:28:45 AM PDT by TheSpottedOwl ("President Bush, start building that wall"!)
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To: pissant
Interesting.....about 8 months ago I switched to Michelob-Ultra (on tap, I LOVE keg beer) as a compromise, my Dr. wanted me to quit drinking beer altogether!!! I told him I sooner shoot myself!!

Anyway, my last appointment with him was yesterday and he was extremely pleased with my overall health.

}^)
194 posted on 07/29/2005 11:51:44 AM PDT by The SISU kid (Politicians are like Slinkies. Good for nothing. But you smile when you push them down the stairs)
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To: pissant

The lowlight of my music career was when my band was paid in bad pizza and Milwaukee's Best Light. And we drank every drop!


195 posted on 07/29/2005 11:57:09 AM PDT by GodBlessRonaldReagan (Count Petofi will not be denied!)
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To: pissant
What's this picture say about my beer????

}^)

196 posted on 07/29/2005 11:58:23 AM PDT by The SISU kid (Politicians are like Slinkies. Good for nothing. But you smile when you push them down the stairs)
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To: pissant

I'm a Pilsener Urquell man. I guess that means that I secretly want to be a Czech hop farmer.


197 posted on 07/29/2005 12:00:21 PM PDT by Clemenza (Life Ain't Fair, GET OVER IT!)
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To: pissant

Of course if you drink Zima, you are queerer than a white sale at Pottery Barn.


198 posted on 07/29/2005 12:01:16 PM PDT by Clemenza (Life Ain't Fair, GET OVER IT!)
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To: Lil'freeper

Good Irish Beer. May I have another ma'am?

199 posted on 07/29/2005 12:06:20 PM PDT by big'ol_freeper ("Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought." Pope JPII)
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To: pissant

Haven't read the thread yet. However, I'm drinking Milwaukee's Best right now. (Hey, It's cheap and tastes OK.)

I just cut the lawn, and it ain't p**s water. (However it will be sweat water.)


200 posted on 07/29/2005 12:06:58 PM PDT by Springman
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