Posted on 07/28/2005 6:27:37 PM PDT by navysealdad
7. Thinking that ordering a 'diet' soft drink to go along with two super size hamburgers and fries is 'eating healthy', is silly.
6. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
5. You're looking puffy today. Is somebody retaining water again?
(Excerpt) Read more at thesoko.com ...
...
4. While I'm golfing today, why don't you hop on the stationary bike and burn a few calories.
I like this one the best! ;o)
(laughing) "Oh, wow, you thought I MEANT that???"
"Yes, it does make you look fat. Do you want me to be nice or honest? Obviously it doesn't mean I find you unattractive because I'm HERE, but, yes, you need to shape up some."
"I hate your mother. I don't mean we 'don't get along' I mean I wish she were stapled to her seat in a bus heading over a narrow bridge on a rainy night with Ted Kennedy behind the wheel."
"Watch TV alone and concentrate on the show, or do something with me--watching the tube is not a group activity."
or...
"Yes, I do find both Gilmour Girls hot, but I never would have ever watched a TV show called Gilmour Girls if you hadn't whined at me to cuddle while you watched TV, so it's your own fault, now keep quiet, the commercial is over."
Actually I HAVE said all these, which is why I'm single again... (and happy to be)
It's really not very funny.
Ok you asked for it lol
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.
Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.
Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
I agree, but I must say my #1 would be "Honey, the doctor said we must have sex at least 4 times a day......
LOL!
An old country tune according to my dad -- ???
Ping! Come help us out over here!
Tact is not something that you have ever been introduced to is it? LOL! I like your list the best.
"Honey, the doctor said we must have sex at least 4 times a day......"
You must be very, very young!
Me too. :-D
APPLES AND WINE
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Men........ Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
God, how I love that woman. :)
ROFL!
I've been 20 for 10 years now. :o)
We have a love-hate relationship. I love her, she hates me.
Sure it is. We sit, watch home improvement shows, and talk about what we're seeing. Of course, we mostly have no idea about what they're saying on the shows, because we're too busy talking.
"Yes, I do find both Gilmour Girls hot, but I never would have ever watched a TV show called Gilmour Girls if you hadn't whined at me to cuddle while you watched TV, so it's your own fault, now keep quiet, the commercial is over."
Gilmour girls, yuck. Other than Battlestar Galactica and home improvement shows, is there anything good on TV?
Evidently I must be "at the top of the tree" as I am still "waiting for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."
LOL!
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