Posted on 07/22/2005 7:05:44 AM PDT by TheBigB
WOOOOO HOOOOO! YIPPEE-SKIP, and YABBA DABBA-DOO!!!!! It's FRIDAAAAAY! : ) Time for FRIDAY SILLINESS! As always, feel free to post jokes, silly pics, nonsensical statements, or even to IGNORE THIS THREAD!
The Census (SNL skit)
Census-Taker.....Tim Meadows Mr. Leonard.....Christopher Walken
Census-Taker: Mr. Leonard? I'm with the U.S. Census Bureau. We sent you a Census form, but you failed to return it to us.
Mr. Leonard: My mail is piled up like crazy.
Census-Taker: Yeah. Well, I just need to fill out this Census form with you. Uh.. how many people live in this residence?
Mr. Leonard:Oh, boy.. good question. I'm bad with numbers.. Maybe 80.
Census-Taker: 80 people live in this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Seems high, doesn't it? Not 80. How about 4? I don't know.. I'm so bad at guestimating..
Census-Taker: Well, just take your time, and count.
Mr. Leonard: Okay.. there's me.. my wife.. our plants.. we have some candy bars..
Census-Taker: Well, you know, we don't count candy bars or plants..
Mr. Leonard: Well, then, there's just the two of us. Boy, I really overshot with the 80!
Census-Taker: Listen, don't worry about it. I'm gonna put you down as the Primary Resident, okay? Now, are you currently employed?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.. part of the time.
Census-Taker: Well, you work part-time. How many days of the week?
Mr. Leonard: Every day.. but just part of the day. From 9 to 5.
Census-Taker: So, you work a full day?
Mr. Leonard: I wouldn't say that. There are huge chunks of time.. at night.. where I'm just asleep. For hours. It's ridiculous.
Census-Taker: No, it's not that ridiculous. Mr. Leonard, do you own or rent this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Sure. You have to ask one of the other 79 people.
Census-Taker: You mean your wife?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.
Census-Taker: Well, can I talk to her, then?
Mr. Leonard: She won't answer you. She's a bobcat.
Census-Taker: You got a bobcat in there?
Mr. Leonard: Well, I have a permit. [ reaches into apartment and pulls out a sheet of paper ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to run a nail salon.
Mr. Leonard: Wrong one! Wrong one! [ pulls another sheet of paper out of his apartment ]
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to do street performances.
Mr. Leonard: Yeah. My wife's a big part of the act.
Census-Taker: [ shaking head ] You know what? Fine. [ changing subject ] Mr. Leonard, are you a citizen of the United States?
Mr. Leonard: I have dual-citizenship with the United States and Florida.
Census-Taker: Florida is a part of the United States.
Mr. Leonard: Don't push your politics on me, pal. All's I know is when I turned 50, I was issued a Florida passport. [ hands him the "passport" ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examining "passport" ] Alright.. this is a novelty birthday card. And it says, "You're over the hill. Here's a passport to Florida." This is not a real passport.
Mr. Leonard: I don't know.. you know? Whenever I go to Florida, I show it at the border, and they always let me in!
Census-Taker: Listen, Mr. Leonard. A real passport wouldn't have a picture of a sexy nurse on it. This is a joke card.
Mr. Leonard: Well.. it's a hell of a forgery!
Census-Taker: [ exasperated ] Okay, let's just proceed as if this were going really well. Now, how long have you lived at this address?
Mr. Leonard: Oh, man! There you go with the numbers again!
Census-Taker: Just take your time.
Mr. Leonard: Well, what do most people say?
Census-Taker: That's not important!
Mr. Leonard: I feel an enormous amount of pressure to get this right. I want to win that car!
Census-Taker: [ shaking his head ] There's no car, Mr. Leonard! How long have you lived here?
Mr. Leonard: Alright, when I moved in, it was the Spring, and Clinton was President.. I'd just gotten out of jail.. I'd say an hour.
Census-Taker: Alright, let me go over this again, then. You are a convicted criminal, living alone in an apartment with a bobcat. And you work 56 hours a week as a street performer.
Mr. Leonard: When you say it like that, my life sounds pretty damn good!
Census-Taker: You know what? I've talked to a lot of people all over this country.. and your life is pretty damn good. You wanna get a beer?
Mr. Leonard: You know, I'd love to, but.. [ points into apartment ] ..you know.. the ol' ball and chain..
Census-Taker: Alright. Take care.
Mr. Leonard: Have a good one. [ returns into the apartment to find his bobcat/wife growling at him ] Again?! We just did it!
"Friday! WAZZZZUPPPP?!" 
ah, Fierce Allegiance, how are you at breaking knee caps?
We had to test it in Bio II. Kitchen sink consistently was the most contaminated spot in everyone's house.
Practice makes perfect, baby.
The quiz is wrong.. you are.
:o)
Heh, yeah. I have now been able to say "That's just an old wive's tale" and be completely correct.
You both are total a$$holes, I am so jealous.
I'm willing to help. Fierce get the heavy equipment, we may need to bury the evidence.
I am in good company I see. I was a total a$$hole too.
Keep trying you can be one too.
Kick her a$$ in the ladies room.
Now that I think about it, Linda's an intellectual who frequents New York Broadway shoes and is cozy with PBS personalities.
How would you handle her now?
I never broke my kneecaps, but I broke my collarbone 3 times, I've broken every finger and broken my arms numerous times.
Wait, NY City has a lower crime rate these days. Better leave her in Newark, they are offing each other left and right there.
LOL. very clever!
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