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*** OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD ***
7/22/05 | TheBigB

Posted on 07/22/2005 7:05:44 AM PDT by TheBigB

WOOOOO HOOOOO! YIPPEE-SKIP, and YABBA DABBA-DOO!!!!! It's FRIDAAAAAY! : ) Time for FRIDAY SILLINESS! As always, feel free to post jokes, silly pics, nonsensical statements, or even to IGNORE THIS THREAD!

The Census (SNL skit)

Census-Taker.....Tim Meadows Mr. Leonard.....Christopher Walken

Census-Taker: Mr. Leonard? I'm with the U.S. Census Bureau. We sent you a Census form, but you failed to return it to us.

Mr. Leonard: My mail is piled up like crazy.

Census-Taker: Yeah. Well, I just need to fill out this Census form with you. Uh.. how many people live in this residence?

Mr. Leonard:Oh, boy.. good question. I'm bad with numbers.. Maybe 80.

Census-Taker: 80 people live in this apartment?

Mr. Leonard: Seems high, doesn't it? Not 80. How about 4? I don't know.. I'm so bad at guestimating..

Census-Taker: Well, just take your time, and count.

Mr. Leonard: Okay.. there's me.. my wife.. our plants.. we have some candy bars..

Census-Taker: Well, you know, we don't count candy bars or plants..

Mr. Leonard: Well, then, there's just the two of us. Boy, I really overshot with the 80!

Census-Taker: Listen, don't worry about it. I'm gonna put you down as the Primary Resident, okay? Now, are you currently employed?

Mr. Leonard: Yeah.. part of the time.

Census-Taker: Well, you work part-time. How many days of the week?

Mr. Leonard: Every day.. but just part of the day. From 9 to 5.

Census-Taker: So, you work a full day?

Mr. Leonard: I wouldn't say that. There are huge chunks of time.. at night.. where I'm just asleep. For hours. It's ridiculous.

Census-Taker: No, it's not that ridiculous. Mr. Leonard, do you own or rent this apartment?

Mr. Leonard: Sure. You have to ask one of the other 79 people.

Census-Taker: You mean your wife?

Mr. Leonard: Yeah.

Census-Taker: Well, can I talk to her, then?

Mr. Leonard: She won't answer you. She's a bobcat.

Census-Taker: You got a bobcat in there?

Mr. Leonard: Well, I have a permit. [ reaches into apartment and pulls out a sheet of paper ] Here you go.

Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to run a nail salon.

Mr. Leonard: Wrong one! Wrong one! [ pulls another sheet of paper out of his apartment ]

Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to do street performances.

Mr. Leonard: Yeah. My wife's a big part of the act.

Census-Taker: [ shaking head ] You know what? Fine. [ changing subject ] Mr. Leonard, are you a citizen of the United States?

Mr. Leonard: I have dual-citizenship with the United States and Florida.

Census-Taker: Florida is a part of the United States.

Mr. Leonard: Don't push your politics on me, pal. All's I know is when I turned 50, I was issued a Florida passport. [ hands him the "passport" ] Here you go.

Census-Taker: [ examining "passport" ] Alright.. this is a novelty birthday card. And it says, "You're over the hill. Here's a passport to Florida." This is not a real passport.

Mr. Leonard: I don't know.. you know? Whenever I go to Florida, I show it at the border, and they always let me in!

Census-Taker: Listen, Mr. Leonard. A real passport wouldn't have a picture of a sexy nurse on it. This is a joke card.

Mr. Leonard: Well.. it's a hell of a forgery!

Census-Taker: [ exasperated ] Okay, let's just proceed as if this were going really well. Now, how long have you lived at this address?

Mr. Leonard: Oh, man! There you go with the numbers again!

Census-Taker: Just take your time.

Mr. Leonard: Well, what do most people say?

Census-Taker: That's not important!

Mr. Leonard: I feel an enormous amount of pressure to get this right. I want to win that car!

Census-Taker: [ shaking his head ] There's no car, Mr. Leonard! How long have you lived here?

Mr. Leonard: Alright, when I moved in, it was the Spring, and Clinton was President.. I'd just gotten out of jail.. I'd say an hour.

Census-Taker: Alright, let me go over this again, then. You are a convicted criminal, living alone in an apartment with a bobcat. And you work 56 hours a week as a street performer.

Mr. Leonard: When you say it like that, my life sounds pretty damn good!

Census-Taker: You know what? I've talked to a lot of people all over this country.. and your life is pretty damn good. You wanna get a beer?

Mr. Leonard: You know, I'd love to, but.. [ points into apartment ] ..you know.. the ol' ball and chain..

Census-Taker: Alright. Take care.

Mr. Leonard: Have a good one. [ returns into the apartment to find his bobcat/wife growling at him ] Again?! We just did it!

"Friday! WAZZZZUPPPP?!"


TOPICS: Chit/Chat
KEYWORDS: silly
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Comment #361 Removed by Moderator

To: Dead Corpse
HAHAHHAAH!!!

pretty good likeness.

362 posted on 07/22/2005 10:12:40 AM PDT by hattend (Alaska....in a time warp all it's own!)
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To: JimWforBush
Zzzzzzzzz
Cool Kitty! Hey, you're one cool cat! Nothing
really gets to you as you feel there are more
important things in life than getting angry or
holding a grudge.

What kind of cat are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
363 posted on 07/22/2005 10:12:56 AM PDT by peacebaby (Hot time, summer in the city. Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty.)
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To: JimWforBush

Scary huh?


364 posted on 07/22/2005 10:13:06 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
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To: JimWforBush
What's in it for me?
Alley Cat! You're a wheelin' & dealin' kind of cat
who not only has the unique ability to take
things in stride, but let it be known you're
smarter than you look.

What kind of cat are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
365 posted on 07/22/2005 10:15:09 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
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To: PaulaB

Hahaha, that would get Linda. She's such a feminist liberal anti-gun woman.

And she's got the ugliest toes I've ever seen.


366 posted on 07/22/2005 10:15:39 AM PDT by peacebaby (Hot time, summer in the city. Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty.)
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To: Darksheare

He better watch out for my knife that he did not see.


367 posted on 07/22/2005 10:15:43 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
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To: dead
I agree Carlin started out funny. Just like so many of 'em (Jeanne Garafalo comes to mind!), as soon as they get a big paycheck, they think they're authorities of everything.

Carlin is now nothing but another sniveling liberal--there's nothing humorous about that.

368 posted on 07/22/2005 10:15:47 AM PDT by bannie (The government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.)
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick

Actually I could imagine you spinning around with a stun gun and chuckling something like "No, got YOU!" to the grey skinned miscreant while lighting up his life.


369 posted on 07/22/2005 10:17:19 AM PDT by Darksheare (Hey troll, Sith happens.)
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick; r-q-tek86

Tell my Architect FRiend hello from me!


370 posted on 07/22/2005 10:17:35 AM PDT by JimWforBush (Don't touch my Willie - Kevin Fowler)
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick; r-q-tek86

R-Q-Tek is a bum. :)


371 posted on 07/22/2005 10:19:31 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
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To: Zacs Mom

That's an old wive's tale...used to manipulate us to put the seat down. Besides, the toilet is usually more sterile than your kitchen sink.


372 posted on 07/22/2005 10:19:47 AM PDT by BJClinton (Are you aware that the First Amendment secures your right to refrain from incessant carping?)
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Comment #373 Removed by Moderator

To: peacebaby

How's abouts a bunch of us freepers head on down & kick Linda's ass.


374 posted on 07/22/2005 10:21:51 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
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To: Fierce Allegiance
"R-Q-Tek is a bum. :)"

Why, because he is not an engineer?

375 posted on 07/22/2005 10:22:03 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
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To: peacebaby

That's what I'm gonna look like about 8: p.m. tonight!


376 posted on 07/22/2005 10:22:20 AM PDT by peacebaby (Hot time, summer in the city. Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty.)
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To: StinkyDilly
To quote Dennis Leary, "I'm an a$$hole."

You are a PLAIN OLE' ASSHOLE! Just do what you
gotta do and kill yourself! Then take this quiz
up your ass and shit on your answer. You suck,
goodbye!!

W h a t K i n d O f A s s h o l e A r e Y o u ? ? ?
brought to you by Quizilla

377 posted on 07/22/2005 10:22:58 AM PDT by JimWforBush (Don't touch my Willie - Kevin Fowler)
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To: peacebaby


ewwwwwwwwww
378 posted on 07/22/2005 10:23:31 AM PDT by PaulaB
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick
Scary huh?

Not really, were are just in good company.

379 posted on 07/22/2005 10:23:53 AM PDT by JimWforBush (Don't touch my Willie - Kevin Fowler)
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To: JimWforBush


You didnt need a quiz to tell you that!


:o)


380 posted on 07/22/2005 10:24:02 AM PDT by motormouth
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