Posted on 07/22/2005 7:05:44 AM PDT by TheBigB
WOOOOO HOOOOO! YIPPEE-SKIP, and YABBA DABBA-DOO!!!!! It's FRIDAAAAAY! : ) Time for FRIDAY SILLINESS! As always, feel free to post jokes, silly pics, nonsensical statements, or even to IGNORE THIS THREAD!
The Census (SNL skit)
Census-Taker.....Tim Meadows Mr. Leonard.....Christopher Walken
Census-Taker: Mr. Leonard? I'm with the U.S. Census Bureau. We sent you a Census form, but you failed to return it to us.
Mr. Leonard: My mail is piled up like crazy.
Census-Taker: Yeah. Well, I just need to fill out this Census form with you. Uh.. how many people live in this residence?
Mr. Leonard:Oh, boy.. good question. I'm bad with numbers.. Maybe 80.
Census-Taker: 80 people live in this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Seems high, doesn't it? Not 80. How about 4? I don't know.. I'm so bad at guestimating..
Census-Taker: Well, just take your time, and count.
Mr. Leonard: Okay.. there's me.. my wife.. our plants.. we have some candy bars..
Census-Taker: Well, you know, we don't count candy bars or plants..
Mr. Leonard: Well, then, there's just the two of us. Boy, I really overshot with the 80!
Census-Taker: Listen, don't worry about it. I'm gonna put you down as the Primary Resident, okay? Now, are you currently employed?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.. part of the time.
Census-Taker: Well, you work part-time. How many days of the week?
Mr. Leonard: Every day.. but just part of the day. From 9 to 5.
Census-Taker: So, you work a full day?
Mr. Leonard: I wouldn't say that. There are huge chunks of time.. at night.. where I'm just asleep. For hours. It's ridiculous.
Census-Taker: No, it's not that ridiculous. Mr. Leonard, do you own or rent this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Sure. You have to ask one of the other 79 people.
Census-Taker: You mean your wife?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.
Census-Taker: Well, can I talk to her, then?
Mr. Leonard: She won't answer you. She's a bobcat.
Census-Taker: You got a bobcat in there?
Mr. Leonard: Well, I have a permit. [ reaches into apartment and pulls out a sheet of paper ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to run a nail salon.
Mr. Leonard: Wrong one! Wrong one! [ pulls another sheet of paper out of his apartment ]
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to do street performances.
Mr. Leonard: Yeah. My wife's a big part of the act.
Census-Taker: [ shaking head ] You know what? Fine. [ changing subject ] Mr. Leonard, are you a citizen of the United States?
Mr. Leonard: I have dual-citizenship with the United States and Florida.
Census-Taker: Florida is a part of the United States.
Mr. Leonard: Don't push your politics on me, pal. All's I know is when I turned 50, I was issued a Florida passport. [ hands him the "passport" ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examining "passport" ] Alright.. this is a novelty birthday card. And it says, "You're over the hill. Here's a passport to Florida." This is not a real passport.
Mr. Leonard: I don't know.. you know? Whenever I go to Florida, I show it at the border, and they always let me in!
Census-Taker: Listen, Mr. Leonard. A real passport wouldn't have a picture of a sexy nurse on it. This is a joke card.
Mr. Leonard: Well.. it's a hell of a forgery!
Census-Taker: [ exasperated ] Okay, let's just proceed as if this were going really well. Now, how long have you lived at this address?
Mr. Leonard: Oh, man! There you go with the numbers again!
Census-Taker: Just take your time.
Mr. Leonard: Well, what do most people say?
Census-Taker: That's not important!
Mr. Leonard: I feel an enormous amount of pressure to get this right. I want to win that car!
Census-Taker: [ shaking his head ] There's no car, Mr. Leonard! How long have you lived here?
Mr. Leonard: Alright, when I moved in, it was the Spring, and Clinton was President.. I'd just gotten out of jail.. I'd say an hour.
Census-Taker: Alright, let me go over this again, then. You are a convicted criminal, living alone in an apartment with a bobcat. And you work 56 hours a week as a street performer.
Mr. Leonard: When you say it like that, my life sounds pretty damn good!
Census-Taker: You know what? I've talked to a lot of people all over this country.. and your life is pretty damn good. You wanna get a beer?
Mr. Leonard: You know, I'd love to, but.. [ points into apartment ] ..you know.. the ol' ball and chain..
Census-Taker: Alright. Take care.
Mr. Leonard: Have a good one. [ returns into the apartment to find his bobcat/wife growling at him ] Again?! We just did it!
"Friday! WAZZZZUPPPP?!" 
> Beer Scam
> >
> > Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay
> > cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date
> > rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes
> > in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by
> > female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with
> > them.
> >
> > Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and
> > then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach
> > that renders most men helpless. After several "beers," men will have
> > sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy
> > memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague
> > feeling that something bad happened.
> >
> > Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's
> > savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases,
> > females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude
> > through an agreement called "marriage." Apparently, men are much
> > more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered.
> >
> > Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some
> > man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the
> > predatory women who administer it, there are male support groups
> > available in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details
> > of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly
> > affected men.
> >
> > For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under
> > "Golf Courses."
> >
Where's our buddy CD? Is he still doing that "work" thing? : )
Maybe, but for every one they bust, there's two that get away:
Well, after watching the DVD umpteen million times, and then sitting through rehersals, I could personally take a little vacation from hearing "Day by Day" for a few weeks. :)
Alone with Mr. Walken and hubby, Robert Wagoner.
Natalie did not return alive??????
That's creepy.
ROFL!
I'm not sure....I swiped it from my husband's extensive collection of strange, rude and (sometimes) just flat nasty pictures!
ohhhhh, THAAAAT boat!
Rumor the two men were getting it on and she saw them and freaked.
I was on a houseboat last weekend, and can very easily undertand how someone - especially a drunk someone - could fall over the side.
You should leave the fireplace pink, good shock value. :)
He must be workin. Somenone has to.
There are somethings you just can't teach.
he's not sexy in the least bit. Maybe when he was younger. Stoned is not sexy.
I'm dying to see JRBC's result to this one.
He's book smart. He's just not read enough books.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.