Posted on 07/22/2005 7:05:44 AM PDT by TheBigB
WOOOOO HOOOOO! YIPPEE-SKIP, and YABBA DABBA-DOO!!!!! It's FRIDAAAAAY! : ) Time for FRIDAY SILLINESS! As always, feel free to post jokes, silly pics, nonsensical statements, or even to IGNORE THIS THREAD!
The Census (SNL skit)
Census-Taker.....Tim Meadows Mr. Leonard.....Christopher Walken
Census-Taker: Mr. Leonard? I'm with the U.S. Census Bureau. We sent you a Census form, but you failed to return it to us.
Mr. Leonard: My mail is piled up like crazy.
Census-Taker: Yeah. Well, I just need to fill out this Census form with you. Uh.. how many people live in this residence?
Mr. Leonard:Oh, boy.. good question. I'm bad with numbers.. Maybe 80.
Census-Taker: 80 people live in this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Seems high, doesn't it? Not 80. How about 4? I don't know.. I'm so bad at guestimating..
Census-Taker: Well, just take your time, and count.
Mr. Leonard: Okay.. there's me.. my wife.. our plants.. we have some candy bars..
Census-Taker: Well, you know, we don't count candy bars or plants..
Mr. Leonard: Well, then, there's just the two of us. Boy, I really overshot with the 80!
Census-Taker: Listen, don't worry about it. I'm gonna put you down as the Primary Resident, okay? Now, are you currently employed?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.. part of the time.
Census-Taker: Well, you work part-time. How many days of the week?
Mr. Leonard: Every day.. but just part of the day. From 9 to 5.
Census-Taker: So, you work a full day?
Mr. Leonard: I wouldn't say that. There are huge chunks of time.. at night.. where I'm just asleep. For hours. It's ridiculous.
Census-Taker: No, it's not that ridiculous. Mr. Leonard, do you own or rent this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Sure. You have to ask one of the other 79 people.
Census-Taker: You mean your wife?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.
Census-Taker: Well, can I talk to her, then?
Mr. Leonard: She won't answer you. She's a bobcat.
Census-Taker: You got a bobcat in there?
Mr. Leonard: Well, I have a permit. [ reaches into apartment and pulls out a sheet of paper ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to run a nail salon.
Mr. Leonard: Wrong one! Wrong one! [ pulls another sheet of paper out of his apartment ]
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to do street performances.
Mr. Leonard: Yeah. My wife's a big part of the act.
Census-Taker: [ shaking head ] You know what? Fine. [ changing subject ] Mr. Leonard, are you a citizen of the United States?
Mr. Leonard: I have dual-citizenship with the United States and Florida.
Census-Taker: Florida is a part of the United States.
Mr. Leonard: Don't push your politics on me, pal. All's I know is when I turned 50, I was issued a Florida passport. [ hands him the "passport" ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examining "passport" ] Alright.. this is a novelty birthday card. And it says, "You're over the hill. Here's a passport to Florida." This is not a real passport.
Mr. Leonard: I don't know.. you know? Whenever I go to Florida, I show it at the border, and they always let me in!
Census-Taker: Listen, Mr. Leonard. A real passport wouldn't have a picture of a sexy nurse on it. This is a joke card.
Mr. Leonard: Well.. it's a hell of a forgery!
Census-Taker: [ exasperated ] Okay, let's just proceed as if this were going really well. Now, how long have you lived at this address?
Mr. Leonard: Oh, man! There you go with the numbers again!
Census-Taker: Just take your time.
Mr. Leonard: Well, what do most people say?
Census-Taker: That's not important!
Mr. Leonard: I feel an enormous amount of pressure to get this right. I want to win that car!
Census-Taker: [ shaking his head ] There's no car, Mr. Leonard! How long have you lived here?
Mr. Leonard: Alright, when I moved in, it was the Spring, and Clinton was President.. I'd just gotten out of jail.. I'd say an hour.
Census-Taker: Alright, let me go over this again, then. You are a convicted criminal, living alone in an apartment with a bobcat. And you work 56 hours a week as a street performer.
Mr. Leonard: When you say it like that, my life sounds pretty damn good!
Census-Taker: You know what? I've talked to a lot of people all over this country.. and your life is pretty damn good. You wanna get a beer?
Mr. Leonard: You know, I'd love to, but.. [ points into apartment ] ..you know.. the ol' ball and chain..
Census-Taker: Alright. Take care.
Mr. Leonard: Have a good one. [ returns into the apartment to find his bobcat/wife growling at him ] Again?! We just did it!
"Friday! WAZZZZUPPPP?!" 
And kissing, too.
The brunette screams, "You IDIOT, I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe.".
I do feel a little warm today. It's as if I have a fever. . .
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished ace. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "S__t" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
Hya DD, in response to #12, allow me to post this gem....
To Women Everywhere from a Man Who’s Had Enough
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
3. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
4. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
6. Birthdays, Valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! Do NOT expect us to react like they are.
7. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
8. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
9. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way. Also. . . shopping is not fun - and we will never think of it that way, either.
12. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
15. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
16. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
17. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
18. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
19. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
20. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the $%#% they're saying anyway.)
22. Check your oil.
23. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
24. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
25. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and if one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
26. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
27. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.
28. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
29. If it itches, it will be scratched.
30. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
31. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
32. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know I really don't mind? It's like camping out only more comfortable.
Yer a woman ain't ya?
*ducking*
Don't assume we'll read that.
ALMOST? ALMOST? :-)
Sweetie,
Right now I'm difficult....
But soon, I WILL be impossible ;)
Is that a deformed pumpkin, Mama? LOL.
Well, there's only one prescription for that...
You, too? Miss Behave, you've got kinky in you. Well, I'll be.
What do you think of John Malkovich?
Drinking Beer
Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass being at the wrong angle
Action: rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: Improper bladder control
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Fault: Glass empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Fault: You have fallen over backward
Action: Have your self-leashed to the bar
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts
Fault: You have fallen over forward
Action: See above
Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: you are looking through bottom of empty glass
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Fault: Bar has closed
Action: Confirm home address with bartender
Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Action: Cover mouth
Symptom: Everyone looks up at you and smiles
Fault: You are dancing on the table
Action: Fall on somebody cushy-looking
Symptom: Beer is crystal-clear
Fault: It's water. Someone is trying to sober you up
Action: Punch him
Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room your in
Fault: You've wondered into the wrong party
Action: See if they have beer
I'm looking silly.
And my trunk monkey's on strike.
THANK YOU!
HELP STAMP OUT TERRORISM - MUST PASS IT ON!!!
PLEASE CIRCULATE THIS MESSAGE AROUND YOUR OFFICE AND MAKE SURE EVERYONE TAKES PART THIS FRIDAY:
The Leaders of the world are asking for your support to combat terrorism and we are being encouraged to demonstrate against these terrorists this Friday at 15:00 hours. It is a well-known fact that the Taliban are against alcohol consumption and think it is sinful to look at a naked woman.
Therefore, at 15:00 hours this Friday, all women should run naked through the office while men chase them with a beer in their hands. This is the best way to show our disgust for the Taliban and will hopefully help us in detecting the terrorists amongst us, anybody who does not do as proposed will be deemed a terrorist, denounced to the world and shot.
I urge all loyal OFSTers to participate!! : )
Sorry I'm late. I was just beating the crap out of Anthony the Summer Intern (A limited engagement - he WILL NOT be here next year!)
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