*** OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD ***

5/7/05 | TheBigB

[TheBigB]

What, it's Friday again? WHY YES IT IS!!!! :) Woo Hoo! Time to have some fun!

"Let's kick out the jams! No mooshing...this is not a Limp Bisquick concert!"

Maria S. turned 18 last week. Your thoughts are now legal.

"Silliness? Fascinating."

(The ONLY true Star Trek)

ALWAYS recycle!

[cripplecreek]

[AnOldCowhand]

A Marine Corp general was being interviewed on NPR about his sponsorship of a Boy Scout troop at his base:

REPORTERETE: So, General, what things are you going to teach these young boys while they’re visiting your base?
GENERAL: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, and shooting.
REPORTERETE: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL: Not at all, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
REPORTERETE: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL: No we are very safety conscious and will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
REPORTERETE: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[RushCrush]

[N. Theknow]

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

[N. Theknow]

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

[al baby]

Love that gif is just great had a big warm belly laugh, thanks

[Dog Gone]

[TheBigB]

FYI, urban legend. Never happened.

[ctlpdad]

Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!

[flutters]

Dear Lord,

So far today, am I doing all right.

I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have charged nothing on my credit card.

But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need your help then.

[Rummyfan]

Always liked that one!

[Cagey]

[backinthefold]

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it
take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"

"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.

"Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus."

---

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non- support.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip
in a few bucks, myself."

---

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"

"No, I don't," said Ole.

"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

---

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell,
dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"

---

Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are
working."

Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."

---

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole,
you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."

So Ole drove to Duluth.

---

Ole died, so Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena
what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole
died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?'
Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's
money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say
something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole
died. Boat for sale.'"

---

"Hey, Sven," said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?"

After Sven replied, "I don't know," Ole said, "Only two, if you run them
through real slow."

---

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along
bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a
long, dark tunnel.

"Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly?

No," replied Lars.

"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent
blind!"

---

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired
how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."

"How come," asked Lars?

"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

---

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a
lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter."

---

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the
little town of Minnetonka, Minnesota. The policeman, who was a good friend
of Ole's said, "Ole, what in the world are you doing? Where are your
clothes? You're naked."

"Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Sven's for
his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls."

"Is that right?", his policeman friend asked.

"Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Sven, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!' So
vee all go into the bedroom, where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' Vel,
vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'"

Oh, my!", exclaimed the policeman.

"Yah, Yah. I guess I'm the first one here."

---

Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Wisconsin recently leaving a
lake well known for its Walleye. He had two buckets of fish. As it was
during the spawning season, the game warden asked, "Do you have a license to
catch those fish?"

Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" the warden replied.

"Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I take dese fish here down
to da lake and let dem svim around for a while. Den I vhistle and dey yiump
back into deir buckets and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that." Said the game warden.

Ole looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt, and then
said, "Yumpin Yimminy! Vell den, I'll just show you den. It really does
vork, don'tcha know?"

"OK, I've got to see this!" The game warden was really curious now. So Ole
poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, "Well?"

"Vell what?" responded Ole.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?" asked Ole.

"The fish!"

"What fish?"

---

To those in North Dakota, Minnesota, and for that matter the rest of the
country, including Canada, I must report the sad news that Ole was shot. He
was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some
rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports,
the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you
doing?"

Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"

Ole is survived by his wife Lena and Lena's good friend Lars.

[RushCrush]

[doubled]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on ...


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about
buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers, OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "w"?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

[day10]

What Jennifer was really doing in Vegas:

[retrokitten]

Yea Friday sillies!!

I need some silly vibes. I had a chest cold about 5-6 weeks ago. Then a few days after that cleared up I broke my foot. Now that is healed and I've got a head cold!! I'm tired of being sick!! I need silliness!!

[Dallas59]

[Dallas59]

[ccmovrwc]

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open
foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, by proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


10. And finally, there was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.