[Old Sarge]

From Our First Sergeant:

"Dammit Boy, you uniform looks like a windshield on a hot Georgia night!"

[mother22wife21]

Nothing to offer, but will check back. Should be some great taglines out of this.

[Knitting A Conundrum]

As my daddy always says, you can cut bait or fish...

[JarheadFromFlorida]

My old First Sergeant used to say..."Boy, if you had brains, your whole family would be down here fightin for 'em" :)

[agrace]

Speaking of put-downs and hair, when I was a teenager, my dad used to say to me "You look like you combed your hair with a wagon wheel."

Never understood that one, nor have I ever heard it anywhere else. Ah, dadisms... :)

[AZ_Cowboy]

Quite a headline. You've got to watch that kind of thing, but I can handle it just fine.

Heard at the shooting range locally:
"Liberals around here are rarer than an Evangelical in a Gay bar!"

[ButThreeLeftsDo]

When one is faced with a nearly impossible situation:

"Like trying to eat a soup sandwich."

or

"Just like nailing jello to a tree."

[Erasmus]

"Listen. I don't have time to wait around for your brainstem to bud."

[hole_n_one]

The deepest cut of all....

Todd, is that you?

[Shooter 2.5]

Porch lights on but no one's home.
Few fries short of a Happy Meal.
The elevator doesn't go to the top floor.

[Blzbba]

My dad told me "You can't make chicken salad out of chicken $hit!"

[GottaLuvAkitas1]

I've heard some funny ones.

1. Are you stuck on stupid?
2. Don't let your alligator mouth override you butterfly a$$.
3. 2Sheets-Teddy sounds like an a$$ whistle. (I love this one)

[Bombardier]

I'd say that finding an excuse to use this expression would make me clumsier than a hippo in heat on roller skates with a trick knee.....and I'd be dumber than a footlocker full of rocks to try to use it! And you know my boots would look like I shined them with a brick and a Hershey bar if I did....

And you know that if I use these expressions I've probably been around since Julius Caesar was a road guard!

[Blood of Tyrants]

When someone tells me to kiss their @$$ I say, "Pick a spot. You're all @$$ except your eyes and they are two pi$$ bubbles."

[Sloth]

I don't mean to be condescending (that means talking down to you)...

[Huntress]

"If you want sympathy, look in the dictionary between $hit and syphilis."

[Blood of Tyrants]

An old favorite: Boy, if you were twice as smart as you think you are, you would still be twice as dumb as I think you are.

[Osage Orange]

If all your brains were ink, you couldn't dot an i.

You are about as welcome as a porcupine at a nudist colony.

You breath smells like an outhouse breeze.

You aren't as smart as an egg-sucking dog.

Even the chickens under the porch are smarter than you.

You don't know a bit from a butt.

I hear they call your sister "radio station"...cause anyone can pick her up, especially at night.

[Steely Tom]

Mayor Ed Koch had a great one for a reporter who kept needling him on a policy issue, trying to get the mayor to say something that could be spun negatively.

After five or six go-arounds, Koch looked at him and said "Look, I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you."

(steely)

[Joe 6-pack]

F--ked up as a football bat

As wrong as two boys f--ckin'

Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions written on the heel.

Wouldn't piss on him/her if they were on fire

On (top of) it like a pack of pit-bulls on a three legged cat.