Lots of Freepers Are Dumber Than a Box of Hair (can you folks help me on this?)

March 23, 2005 | JohnRobertson

[John Robertson]

Fat chicks with big hair stand out like an elephant at a flamingo farm.

I didn't know that till I read it here. I read this here, too, in response to someone who was making too fine a point on something: My, my, picking pepper out of flyshit, aren't we?

What are the coolest expressions you know? The greatest folksy putdowns? The wish-I'd'a-said-that comebacks. The most colorful damned American ways of saying things?

Care to share? I would very much like to liven up my smartmouth. Thank you, folks.

And for those of you who got nothin'...please refer back to the title. Just kidding: I heard that on FR too.

[Happygal]

Well, it's not American..but it's an Irish phrase for someone who is stupid.

'He's as thick as bottled pig shite'.

[John Robertson]

But you responded, huh?

It's been a very heavy few days here on FR. I needed something to lighten up the mix. I suspect others are enjoying it, too.

If you don't like it....

I can't finish that. That's another reason I ran this thread.

[Muleteam1]

So ugly they rub a tree on her face to make ugly sticks.

[Route66]

Dumber than a box of hair?...

Look. I'll agree that some people who post here only have solar panels on the north side, but who are we to judge those who are obviously a few feathers short of a whole duck or who are all foam and no beer. It must be awfully hard to go through life with an intellect rivaled only by garden tools or with a belt that does not go through all the loops.

Though I'm not perfect and my skylight might occasionally leak a little, I count my lucky stars that I'm not missing a few buttons on my remote control and that my life is not spent surfing in Nebraska. Anyone who does not feel the same way is only as smart as bait.

[AntiBurr]

Wouldn't piss on him/her if they were on fire

I first saw a variation of that in <"The Girl, The Gold Watch and Everything" by John D. Mc Donald then it was: "She wouldn't piss in your mouth if your teeth were on fire".

[piasa]

"That ___________ is slicker than snot on a doorknob."

"Boy, you're built too low. Everything just flies right over your head."

"You're about as sucessful as a turtle on a fencepost."

"He's as useful as teats on a bull"

"...Lower than snakeschn!t in a gopher hole"

[John Robertson]

Bravo!

Hands down, going away, no doubt about it...you are the winner. For now. Others will come to challenge you. I know this.

[holymoly]

Sh!t or get off the pot.

(It's) enough to gag a maggot.

(It's) about as worthless as tits on a boar.

[redwhit]

I had a guy who worked for me who once said, after asking him if he could do a particularly onerous task, said: Yeah, I can do that,Red, but I'd rather screw a wildcat in a phone booth with a hand-full of burrs.

[holymoly]

"That ___________ is slicker than snot on a doorknob."

Or snot on glass.

[agrace]

HA, I should have been clearer. I understood it, in that my dad meant my hair was a mess, just didn't understand why a wagon wheel was a good descriptive tool. I guess you could replace it with anything, such as "you look like you combed your hair with a garbage bag," or "you look like you combed your hair with a water glass" - those would make about as much sense.

Wait, did you just say that you've actually HEARD that? Where did you grow up?

[AlbertWang]

Ugly enough to make a frieght train take a mud road.

[agrace]

After five or six go-arounds, Koch looked at him and said "Look, I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you."

THAT is hilarious.

[Samwise]

Yep, I've heard it. I grew up in Indiana with a large dose of Kentucky. I think Dad got it from a television show, but I won't swear to it. It might have been a Kentucky thing.

[ShadowDancer]

You are either born with a smartmouth or you're not. It's not a learned thing. You may pick up phrases on this thread but if you need to ask for them in the first place, you will sound like an idiot repeating them. Just be who you are.

[garyhope]

Dumber than a box of hammers,
Dumber than a box of rocks,
Doesn't know his ass from his elbow,
So quiet you could hear an ant pee on cotton,
Rode hard and put up wet,
Slicker than cat guts on a door knob,

A cousin of mine and I were discussing cutting some Mesquite wood for something and were talking about how hard and tough on tools it was and he said Mesquite was "harder than Chinese arithmatic". Totally cracked me up.

[Richard Kimball]

It comes from here:

Now old Dan Tucker's fine old man
Washed his face in a fryin' pan
Combed his head with a wagon wheel
And died with a toothache in his heel

Get out of the way old Dan Tucker
Get out of the way old Dan Tucker
Get out of the way old Dan Tucker
You're too late to get your supper

Now old Dan Tucker is come to town
Riding a billy goat leading a hound
Hound dog bark and the billy goat jump
Landed Dan Tucker on top of the stump

Now old Dan Tucker he got drunk
Fell in the fire and kicked up a chunk
Red hot coal got in his shoe
And oh my lawd how the ashes flew

Now old Dan Tucker is come to town
Swinging the ladies round and round
First to the right and then to the left
Then to the girl that he loves best

[Army Air Corps]

I have an uncle who likes to say about liberals "their brains in a matchbox would sound like a BB in a box car."

[BIGLOOK]

A guy in boot camp complained to me that the DI insulted him by saying, "You ain't fit to pick corn out of crap!"

I consoled him saying, "You certainly are!"

[martin_fierro]

"I crap bigger'n you."