Posted on 03/11/2005 8:16:15 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance
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That business out of the way, let's have at it!
Most Commonly Heard Phrase at a Kennedy Family Reunion:(usually addressed to the staff)
"Don't you know who I am?!!"
and/or
"Chivas, neat."
Never before this moment have I wanted so much to be a fur...
When you are nose to nose, your toes are in it, and
When you are toes to nose, your nose is in it.
Hey Fierce - do you have the link to last week's OFST thread? I tried a search and couldn't find it.....I have to catch up!
Male vs. Female ATM's
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that his bank is
installing new
"Drive-through" teller machines. Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their
accounts.
Separate MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of
Careful research.
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
3. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
4. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
5. Drive off.
There is some comedian who does a routine with this sort of thing...
Punch-line is :"Here's your sign!"
Can't remember the guy's name but he's funny...
No thanks, I can drive myself home.
Shalom.
Here's a silly one:
Breast Stroke competition
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the
breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a
redhead and a blonde!
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was
declared the fastest breast stroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead
crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly
collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it
took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound
like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their
arms."
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
LOL
It's like a documentary account of my last drive-thru-ATM 'adventure.'
Thanks for ping, Petronski.
Just wanted to warn everyone there's a new virus - code name is "Work." If you receive "Work" from your colleagues, your boss, or any one else, do not touch "Work" under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus follow these steps:
1. Put on your jacket and take two good friends and your cash, go straight to the nearest pub.
2. Order three drinks and repeat this 14 times... you will find that "Work" has been completely deleted from your memory.
Send this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "Work" already controls your whole life.
Bwahahahaha!!!
A bunch of distinguished professors were visiting the Hwange National Park. They drove out on the savannah in their jeep, stopped and scouted the horizon with their binoculars when suddenly...
The engineering prof shouted ``Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: A white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!''
The biology prof replied ``I wonder if its offspring have stripes?''
The physics prof punched his calculator and said ``It should take four and a half cans of paint to get the stripes back on.''
The chemistry prof quickly worked out a new paint formula that would make just four cans of paint sufficient.
The statistics prof added ``It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra.''
The mathmatics prof made his contribution ``Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side.''
But the Park Ranger with them said ``Oh, so that's where my horse went!''
Please tell me that's not a true story...
"What happened to your pickup seat? Is that buffalo track?"
Well, I guess you had to be there. We had a cow attack.
It all began when me and Roy went out to check the cows.
We'd finished lunch and watched our 'soap' and forced ourselves to rouse.
We's pokin' through the heavy bunch for calves to tag and check.
I spotted one but his ol' mom was bowin' up her neck.
She pawed the ground and swung her head a' slingin' froth and spit
Then bellered like a wounded bull. "Say, Roy," I says, "let's quit!"
But Roy was bent on taggin' him and thought to make a grab.
"Just drive up there beside the calf, I'll pull him in the cab."
Oh, great. Another stroke of genius, of cowboy derring do.
Shur nuf when Roy nabbed the calf, his mama came in too.
And I do mean climbed up in there! Got a foot behind the seat
Punched a horn right through the windshield and she wasn't very neat.
She was blowing' stuff out of both ends till the cab was slick and green
It was on the floor and on the roof and on the calf vaccine.
If you've been inside a dryer at the local laundromat
With a bear and fifty horseshoes then you know just where I's at.
At one point she was sittin' up, just goin' for a ride
But then she tore the gun rack down. The calf went out my side.
I was fightin' with my door lock which she's smashed a' passin' by
When she peeked up through the steeringwheel and looked me in the eye.
We escaped like paratroopers out the window, landed clear.
But the cow just kept on drivin' cause the truck was still in gear.
She topped a hump and disappeared. The blinker light came on
But if she turned I never saw, by then the truck was gone.
I looked at Roy, "My truck is wrecked. My coveralls are soaked.
I'll probably never hear again. I think by elbow's broke.
And look at you. Yer pitiful. All crumpled up and stiff
Like you been eat by wild dogs and pooped over a cliff."
"But think about it," Roy said. "Since Granpa was alive,
I b'lieve that that's the firstest time I've seen a cattle drive."
Baxter Black
It would have been cooler if the "X-Ray" image was exactly like the clothed one, except nude. Having two different images is cheating. But, thanks for the link, anyway!
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