Posted on 03/04/2005 9:02:18 AM PST by TheBigB
Woo Hoo! TGIF! Time for some FRIDAAAAAAY SILLINESS!! :^) Let loose and blow off some steam...post silly pics, jokes, nonsensical statements, or even IGNORE THIS THREAD!
"Silliness, sweeeet!"
An actual book about pet care. I swear!
It's not Christmas, but still...
Fierce Allegiance says he never listened to that Debbie Gibson tape in his truck. I don't believe him. :^)
What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a DOG?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
When I got this joke, it had the following moral: Women are evil. Stay away from them. As a woman, I thank you for removing that.
Not as far as us GALS are concerned....we like good equipment... ;o)
;lol!
Oh, was THAT what TheBigB meant by weiner?
My dad taught me a better one.
Women=time x money
However, time = money.
So, woman are money^2.
But money is the root of all evil.
Therefore, woman are evil.
Darnit, I'm logged in as the wrong person again. My dad (comrade bork) and I share a computer. He always changes the loggins on me.
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep.
As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.
He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!"
My mother, who is hard of hearing, threw one of the hugest parties in town the other night. Pulled out all the stops. Free bar with premium liquor. Food catered by the top executive chef in the city. Covered tent lit with starlights. Floral arrangements to astound. 500 people attended.
The next morning Mom and Dad were sitting at the kitchen table eating a late breakfast. And Dad, who is also hard of hearing said to Mom: I'm proud of you.
To which Mom replied: I'm tired of you, too.
I think so....
ROTFLMAO
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!
9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Hot damn!
10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!
12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!
1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!
4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm bouncing off the walls!
5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!
7:00 p.m. I get to play ball! This is too good to be true!
8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!
11:00 p.m Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed! Life is
great!
__________________________________________
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 683 of My Captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. In that way I shall be ready to flee at the first
opportunity that presents itself. The only thing that keeps me going is my
dream
of escape (and the tepid satisfaction I receive from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture). In yet another demonstration of civil
disobedience,
I shall topple and destroy one more houseplant tonight under the cover
of darkness.
Many of my efforts to wear down my oppressors are not going
according to plan. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on
the
floor. I shall soon be expanding my repertoire; I believe I'll start
vomiting in their shoes and/or beds. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped
its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear
into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ''good little
hunter'' I am. The audacity!!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I
was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and
how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an
attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as
he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the
stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--
and
he seems more than willing to return!! He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird has got to be an informant-- I observe him
communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my
every move.
The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so
he is safe-- for now.
But I can wait.
It is only a matter of time.....
There was this hunter who was hunting in one side of the fence and the other side is private property. Well this duck flies over him and he takes a shot at it and hits it. It falls on the other side of the fence. Well then, he hops the fence to retrieve the duck. Right before he gets to the duck, the farmer walks up and says, "Hey this is private property. Get off of I'll sue you for trespassing." Then the hunter says, " Now wait, I'm a high class lawyer from New York, If you sue me, you wont win and then I'll counter sue you and take your farm!" well the farmer says,
"Now wait, lets just settle this the old Montana way. Its the 3 kick rule. I kick you 3 times as hard as I want then you kick me as hard as you can 3 times." Well this catches the lawyers attention. He's a little bit bigger than the farmer and agrees with him. The farmer says, " I get to go first." So the farmer just kicks the lawyer in the balls, then in the stomach, and then in the mouth. Then the lawyer gets up and is bleeding from the mouth, and says, " Now my turn." Before the lawyer kicks the farmer, the farmers says, "Wait, you can just have the damn duck!"
ROFLOL!!! Seems like my animals!!!
We should ALL be this Happy Today! Even though I'll be working this weekend, My attitude will be fun in the sun!!! Oh, Happy Day, Oh Happy Day.... Kimmiey
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
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