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EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!
9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Hot damn!
10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!
12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!
1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!
4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm bouncing off the walls!
5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!
7:00 p.m. I get to play ball! This is too good to be true!
8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!
11:00 p.m Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed! Life is
great!

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EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 683 of My Captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. In that way I shall be ready to flee at the first
opportunity that presents itself. The only thing that keeps me going is my
dream
of escape (and the tepid satisfaction I receive from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture). In yet another demonstration of civil
disobedience,
I shall topple and destroy one more houseplant tonight under the cover
of darkness.

Many of my efforts to wear down my oppressors are not going
according to plan. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on
the
floor. I shall soon be expanding my repertoire; I believe I'll start
vomiting in their shoes and/or beds. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped
its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear
into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ''good little
hunter'' I am. The audacity!!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I
was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and
how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an
attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as
he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the
stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--
and
he seems more than willing to return!! He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird has got to be an informant-- I observe him
communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my
every move.
The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so
he is safe-- for now.

But I can wait.

It is only a matter of time.....