Let's go to town with Kip, Napoleon and the gang!
Posted on 02/18/2005 10:27:37 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance
It appears as tough the regular poster of the Friday Silliness Thread isn't on board today, So I have stolen the opportunity to post it up. Have fun!
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE.......
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.
What's the d difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."a recipe."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Let's go to town with Kip, Napoleon and the gang!
What is the difference between a woman yelling at you from the front porch and a dog barking at you from the back porch?
If you let them both in the dog will shut up.
More watery, less of a tart! Thanks.
Senator Kennedy is flying on a fact finding mission to California. In order to show what a wonderful man he is, Senator Kennedy allows a priest and a hippie who wanted to visit California to ride with him. Unfortunately, halfway through the trip the pilot comes out and says, "We've just lost both engines and the plane is going to crash. The bad news is, there are only four parachutes on the plane. The co-pilot and I are taking these two." With that the pilot and co-pilot strap on parachutes and bail out.
Senator Kennedy says, "I am one of the most important and most brilliant men in this country, probably the world. I must survive this flight so that I may carry on the important business of the United States Government on behalf of the people of Massachusetts. This country would be lost without my intellectual prowess." With that the Senator straps on a pack and bails out.
The priest says, "My son, I have had a long and fruitful life and I am at peace with G-d. You, on the other hand, are young and have much to look forward to. You take the last parachute, and may G-d bless you."
The hippie says, "Don't sweat it, Father. The most brilliant man in the world just jumped out of this airplane with my backpack."
Shalom.
President Bush and Don Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! .. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims this time and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says,
"See, I told you no one would worry
about the 140 million Muslims".
One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. Inside was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over and over he dove in, and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day
long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Jesse looked at this in shocked relief and said,
"Yeah, I can handle this!"
The devil smiled and said.
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
What did Jeffrey Dahlmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
"You gonna eat that?"
Shalom.
I thought I was on the PING list!!!! I didn't get pinged!!!
Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills. You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills...
ROTFLMAOTRDMF or whatever!
1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
MEN'S CAR
I wish I had the time, however, I am on this thread in spirit, if not in posting...lol
. . . and cake building skills, or somesing.
The December meeting of the Annapolis Chess Club was held at the Hilton. They had dinner, listened to the speaker, then had a cash bar made available so they could swap their stories. Some of the members had a few too many beers and decided to just hang out until they were chased out.
Eventually the banquet room was closed and they moved into the entryway. By this time they were really ripped and telling ever more fantastic stories about ever more fantastic matches with ever more stunning victories. They all knew each was lying but were just too ripped to care.
Finally, about 3:00 a.m. the hotel manager came out and said, "Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave. If there's one thing this hotel can't abide, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Shalom.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints to not work. Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in any argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like
nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!!
1. Don't' ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such subjects as baseball, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men don't mind that. It's like camping.
heh, heh. That car's hood kinda looks like a sweet pair of boobs.
An old Italian man takes his wife to the doctor because she is having chest pains..
The doctor takes the wife into the exam room.
After awhile the doctor tells the old man that his wife has Acute Angina.
The old man says to the doctor. I knowa dat allaready.She gotsa cute'sa titties too!
I don't have the full ping list. I did the best I could. Sorry!!
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