over here!
Welcome!!
(wiping muddy feet on nice clean thread)
Hail Satan!
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would each go into the woods, find a bear, and preach to it.
A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, in a fine Irish brogue, 'Ey wint oot into th' woods to find me a bear. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to
read to him from the Baltimore Catechism. Well, that bear wanted naught to do with' me and begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle... WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from G~d's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO!
He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An'
jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on G~d's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! Preaching to the bear was easy, but he got a bit touchy about the circumcision."
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy. "Well, I can see that." she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to
supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy~nilly (adj.): impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by Proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n): a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish~isms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that, when you die, your
Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
How about adding these?
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the Spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government
I thought you'd be all over the thread about the proposed CA law to allow topless female sunbathing.
OK, Alvin!
Subject: Jewish Boy
Little Zachary, a Jewish boy, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her
great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then,"
she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
knock knock....
FIVE PRICELESS GRANDPARENT STORIES---
> A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word
>>
>> processor. She told him she was writing a story.
>>
>> "What's it about?" he asked.
>>
>> "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
>>
>>
>> A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
>>
>> ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell
>>
>> her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the
>>
>> covers off thy neighbor's wife."
>>
>>
My diswasher ;)