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Ask Dog Lady: Fake testicles tell more about your boyfriend than your dog (very funny)
TownOnline ^ | 1/5/04 | Rachel & Dog Lady

Posted on 01/06/2005 11:28:58 AM PST by pissant

Dear Dog Lady,

For almost six months, I've been dating Monty. I thought I was falling in love with him until he presented my dog and me with an inappropriate Christmas present. Now, I'm not sure. The gift was a pair of NeuticlesOriginal, fake testicles for dogs. My dog, Magic, was intrigued by them and tried to chew them and then tried to play with them. My dog rolled the little balls around the floor until Monty took them away and scolded Magic. I just watched stunned as all this was going on. I couldn't have imagined Neuticles until I saw them with my own eyes.

Right before I met Monty, I had brought Magic to the vet to be neutered. Monty says he doesn't believe in altering male dogs and made snide comments about Magic's lack of manhood. I admit I was turned off by the comments, but I never thought he would buy prosthetic testes for my dog. He's also pestering me to make an appointment with my vet to have the Neuticles surgically implanted. When I tell him I don't want to put Magic through this operation, Monty gets miffed and says he already paid $85 for the Neuticles online and doesn't want to return them. Despite being so worried about losing the money, he insists he'll pay the full freight for the surgery at the vet. He thinks Magic will be a happier, more confident dog with fake testicles. I visited the Neuticles Web site, www.neuticles.com, and found such celebrities as Rush Limbaugh have endorsed them. Limbaugh said, "Neuticles are just plain neat!" Maybe they are.

I will admit in my weaker moments, when I want to cling to my relationship with Monty, I wonder what's the harm in getting the harmless Neuticles sewn into Magic. Maybe the dog will be happier with a scrotum. Maybe it will bring Monty and I closer together. What do you think?

Rachel

Rachel, Dog Lady believes in Magic. Your dog doesn't need the fake testicles, nor will they give him any more confidence than he already has. The unnecessary surgery will add stress and scar tissue to your pet's tender area. Dogs don't do manhood the way Rush Limbaugh does. Dogs do Alpha, a status having everything to do with leadership, not the size of sexual organs. Other dogs will not be impressed or deceived by nutty Neuticles. One sniff of the hindquarters will tell a canine colleague that Magic's just another castrato in the pack.

In intact dogs, the male sac emits a hormonal aroma that stokes up other dogs with fascination, confusion or aggression. Plastic Neuticles do not have the odiferous power to stir up anything but your boyfriend Monty's odd insecurities. A Neuticled Magic will not be a dog, but a disfigured dog. Rachel, you did the right thing for Magic by having him neutered in the first place. Don't go there again.

Best you concentrate on whether you want a future with Monty. Dog Lady is not suggesting he should be fixed, but you need to fix your relationship. The gift of Neuticles was utterly inappropriate, even offensive. It's the same as if Monty had stuffed silicone breast implants in your Christmas stocking. If you think for a moment that sewing falsies into your dog will bring you closer to your boyfriend, Dog Lady wonders what other delusions you labor under. A good relationship comes with communication, trust and safety - for you and Magic.

Your dog is not a stand-in for your boyfriend's scrotal issues. You should discuss this straight on with Monty so he understands the boundary. It takes a real man, if you catch my drift, to admit his mistake. If he refuses to understand on a deeper emotional level, Dog Lady thinks his reluctance alone will tell you everything you need to know.


TOPICS: Pets/Animals
KEYWORDS: aretheyblue; doggieping; dogping; neuticals; nutcases; rushlimbaugh
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To: sandalwood

Its really unbelievable isn't it?!


41 posted on 01/06/2005 11:59:49 AM PST by apackof2 (Spell..Preview...Post)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

See #31. I've seen these on trucks in this area 2 or 3 times now.

Bizarre!


42 posted on 01/06/2005 12:00:21 PM PST by Constitution Day
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To: exnavychick
I don't know whether to laugh or barf!

I know. I have to admit I was dumbfounded, and I'm in California, so nothing really shocks me any more.

43 posted on 01/06/2005 12:00:25 PM PST by Ryan Spock
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To: pissant

The whole concept is nuts.


44 posted on 01/06/2005 12:00:27 PM PST by Horatio Gates
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To: HairOfTheDog

OK, but at least let her go bleach blonde...


45 posted on 01/06/2005 12:01:15 PM PST by Diddle E. Squat
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To: Gingersnap
Friends don't give friends Neuticals.

LOL!

46 posted on 01/06/2005 12:01:26 PM PST by apackof2 (Spell..Preview...Post)
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To: Ryan Spock

Well, it's SOMETHING, all right.

I give up.

BWAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!


47 posted on 01/06/2005 12:01:40 PM PST by exnavychick (There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart.)
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To: HairOfTheDog

Our late, departed Golden Retriever, Prior Lake Jake lived his entire life with his own pair.


48 posted on 01/06/2005 12:01:45 PM PST by Eric in the Ozarks
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To: HairOfTheDog

How do you know if it keeps your dog's self-esteem intact by keeping his, um, neuticles intact?


49 posted on 01/06/2005 12:02:14 PM PST by sandalwood ("Hail to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems")
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To: 1Old Pro
send them to all the GOP senators in Washington.

ROFLMAO!


50 posted on 01/06/2005 12:03:42 PM PST by Fiddlstix (This Tagline for sale. (Presented by TagLines R US))
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To: HenryLeeII

This Monty fella give guys with an unnatural fixation with their dog's testicles, like myself, a bad name.

Owl_Eagle

"You know, I'm going to start thanking
the woman who cleans the restroom in
the building I work in.  I'm going to start
thinking of her as a human being"

-Hillary Clinton
(Yes, she really said that
Peggy Noonan
The Case Against Hillary Clinton, pg 55)

51 posted on 01/06/2005 12:04:01 PM PST by End Times Sentinel (Fly Eagles Fly, On the Road to Victory! Fly Eagles Fly, Score a Touchdown One Two Three!)
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To: Constitution Day

LOL. A couple months back I saw a blue pair on a VW Golf (or some such vehicle) driven by a young girl. I was cracking up for 10 minutes. I tried, with little success, to properly explain what I was laughing at to my 8 year old twin daughters and their 11 year old sister. They told mom when we got home. She couldn't find the humor in it. I slept on the couch again.


52 posted on 01/06/2005 12:04:19 PM PST by Fierce Allegiance (Stay safe in the "sandbox" Greg!)
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To: xm177e2

"Monty" is as nutty as a fruitcake and you are knocking the woman putting up with this fool? She should show him the door asap.


53 posted on 01/06/2005 12:04:36 PM PST by justshutupandtakeit (Public Enemy #1, the RATmedia.)
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To: sandalwood
How do you know if it keeps your dog's self-esteem intact by keeping his, um, neuticles intact?

By the self-esteem of the little man walking him I guess ;~D

54 posted on 01/06/2005 12:05:09 PM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: pissant
Best you concentrate on whether you want a future with Monty. Dog Lady is not suggesting he should be fixed, but you need to fix your relationship. The gift of Neuticles was utterly inappropriate, even offensive. It's the same as if Monty had stuffed silicone breast implants in your Christmas stocking. If you think for a moment that sewing falsies into your dog will bring you closer to your boyfriend, Dog Lady wonders what other delusions you labor under. A good relationship comes with communication, trust and safety - for you and Magic.

Speaking of silicone breast implants, Ms. Dog Lady seems to be missing a point within her point.

If a good relationship is built on trust and safety, then why do so many women get falsies implanted into their chest?

55 posted on 01/06/2005 12:05:51 PM PST by Ol' Dan Tucker
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To: Eric in the Ozarks
Our late, departed Golden Retriever, Prior Lake Jake lived his entire life with his own pair.

Good for both of you ;~D

56 posted on 01/06/2005 12:05:56 PM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: HairOfTheDog

No, Monty is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of and the people buying the pseudoballs are next.


57 posted on 01/06/2005 12:06:00 PM PST by justshutupandtakeit (Public Enemy #1, the RATmedia.)
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To: CindyDawg

Well, yeah, we are kinda attached to them.


58 posted on 01/06/2005 12:08:48 PM PST by F.J. Mitchell (McCain will slay a slew of Republican initiatives if he is able.)
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To: Bikers4Bush
If he really wanted the dog to feel better he'd have bought him some that were the size of oranges.

The dog'd feel better if he'd spent the $85 on pig ears.

59 posted on 01/06/2005 12:09:20 PM PST by uglybiker (The most popular guy at a nudist camp can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts)
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To: Owl_Eagle

Is this one of the platforms you ran on in your campaign for public office? lol


60 posted on 01/06/2005 12:11:02 PM PST by Fierce Allegiance (Stay safe in the "sandbox" Greg!)
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