Posted on 11/19/2004 10:11:05 AM PST by Texaggie79
Last night as I slept soundly in my bed my phone started to ring. It was really late so I figured it was probably another drunk dial from one of my friends. When I picked up the phone and heard my friend screaming, I realized this was no drunken phone call.
It took some time to calm Jane* down and understand what it was she was trying to say. She just kept rambling and screaming. Finally, I understood.
“HE FARTED! He farted in front of me!” Jane wailed. “Why would he do that? What does it mean?” Jane went on to explain that upon letting the gassy offender go, Steve* said, “What? I thought we were at that point.”
This made me think. What does it mean when a man lets one go? What is this “point”? Could it be that he looks at you like a sister/guy friend and feels comfortable doing that in front of you? Could it be that he really cares about you and realizes that you are gonna be around for awhile, so there is really no point squeezing his cheeks together and wincing in pain? Or is it that he is lactose intolerant and that pizza you just ate is coming back for a sneak attack that he just can’t control?
What does it all mean? In attempts to find an answer, I did some research. Here is what I found:
Some guys say they will fart in front of anyone, that it is natural, and they don’t care who is around when they have an impending gas explosion.
Me: But what if it is a girl you are trying to get with? Anonymous boy: I might think about it but ill still do it. You can’t control it.
Others, however, will only do it in front of people they feel completely comfortable with: girlfriends, their “boys”, or those few “lucky” gals they hang out with. Farting, then, is an honor given only to those worthy of being in the company of such a toxic emission. I don’t know about you, but I get all warm and tingly inside when a guy decides to pass gas in front of me; it means I’m really special!
There are also guys like my brother: he dated his girlfriend for four years before farting in front of her. And when the fartful day finally came, it wasn’t even on purpose! My brother was trying to “stink me out of my room” and his girlfriend got caught in the crossfire. It was a sad day in their relationship. I would have thought they had crossed that territory long before, but instead my brother had been clenching his buns for four years (talk about buns of steel!). He didn’t think it was appropriate to show his long-term woman the real man that he was.
Imagine how shocked (and nauseous) she was when it finally happened. So, what is the truth behind farts? I still have no idea. Therefore, I ask all men out there: don’t fart in front of me, unless of course it means something. No, seriously, tell me; is there any meaning in that tiny puff of air, or are women reading too much into this? Should I be flattered at flatulence?
I did an emission, and about five seconds later the driver turned on the air conditioner.
One of my favorite expressions, to someone's dubious statement, has always been: "That'll go over well, just like a fart in church."
It is a little noted fact that women are as mortified by flatulence as anything else that occurs in the normal range of human functioning.
I read of a clinical researcher who wanted to investigate. He asked a bunch of male coworkers to record their diets and frequency of flatulence. They duly cooperated and returned him some useful data. He asked a bunch of females to do the same and they all refused even to consider it!
Go figure.
That's funny - I was going to ping you too about 10 minues ago....(dirty little secret ping list)
Toot, er, I mean, ping. Understandable error, I was typing so fast I pulled my finger.
My dog loves me - idescribably. It makes my eyes water, the extent of her love. I choke up on it.
It's usually not the loud farts that smell, but rather the "silent killers."
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