Posted on 08/17/2004 10:04:33 PM PDT by Fledermaus
NEW STUDY SHOWS GOP CHEATING WORKERS
John Swindle and G. Ullable, Unbelievable News
Cambridge, Mass. Aug 18, 2004 -- A seminar held last week at Harvard University among the nations leading mathematicians has concluded with a stunning revelation; two plus two equals five! Dr. Fester N. Boil, chief mathematician at Berkley College in California, used his new theory of “selective fact” to prove his formula, developed along with Dr. May B. Anut of Barnard College, that when social factors are included in the computation, two plus two equates to five.
“It’s a breakthrough of incredible proportion”, said Dr. Boil in a post-seminar interview. “The underlying societal impact will be felt for decades.”
Professor William Howard, Dean of Mathematics at Harvard, continued the sentiment by saying, “it’s clear the powers that be for the last two centuries have been using a flawed theorem to perpetuate probably the biggest fraud against mankind ever.” Asked who these powers were he emphatically answered, “why, Republicans of course.”
“It’s obvious to anyone”, continuted Dr. Anut, “that the fact two plus two was closer to five and not four proves that millions upon millions of the hard working lower class have been cheated out of hours and hours of pay.” Using the new formula they point out that someone working 40 hours a week today is really working 50 hours.
“This is a clear plan by big business, backed by their friends in the Republican Party, to cheat millions out of overtime pay”, said Rev. Jesse Jackson today when asked to comment. “The Republican Party has been trying to keep the black man down for centuries and it’s amazing how far they’ve gone to do just that. I applaud the work done by Dr. Boil and his colleagues.”
Kweisi Mfume, President and CEO of the NAACP, was contacted and issued a statement saying, “we at the NAACP are appalled by learning of this horrible injustice against African-Americans, women and the poor in this country by George W. Bush and the entire Republican party. We can’t stress our anger forcefully enough and plan to immediately take this to court for remedy. We fully condemn the fraud that has been perpetrated on the minorities in America.”
Michael Moore, documentary filmmaker and director of “Fahrenheit 9/11”, was at the conference and gave an interview where he expressed his intention to document the history of the fraud. “I can’t wait to expose this lie for what it is; the concerted effort of the rich and powerful for two centuries to cheat the hard work of real Americans, keep their money and property devalued and to skim off the difference between four and five for themselves.”
John Kerry, Democratic candidate for President, gave a brief message to the press on a conference call on the stunning new mathematical development while vacationing in Idaho; “When I was a swift boat commander in Vietnam I always was suspicious of the maps my military leaders, many being Republicans, would show me that said I was still in Vietnam when I knew I was in Cambodia being shot at by the Khmer Rouge. Now that I’ve recomputed those maps based on this new revelation it’s clear I actually was in Cambodia on Christmas in 1968. This is yet more proof of the war crimes and atrocities committed by all in the military while in Vietnam”. He continued, “I demand President Bush condemn this long standing policy of mathematical derision that has kept the poor poorer while the rich got richer, the most vulnerable in our society to be taken advantaged of by greedy, and the wealthy to avoid paying their fair share of taxes.”
Mr. Kerry also pointed out that, “this is also another in the long line of lies and misleading statements that has led to the loss of credibility with our allies around the world who thought they were trading in a fair manner. Many heads of state have already expressed grave concern to me about this administrations ability to work with them in the future.” He then added that, “this is why I voted against the $87 billion for the effort in Iraq. I had a feeling it was much, much more.”
Still campaigning in North Carolina, Democratic Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards was quoted as saying, “as a trial lawyer it’s been obvious from our fee schedule that this must have been the case. It also proves that there are two Americas – one for the rich and powerful who have enough to get by on two plus two being four and one for the rest of us that have been cheated. But now we have this new discovery and there will be reparations paid”.
Amazingly, a Gallup poll commissioned by the Harvard panel has already issued their results: 48% of Americans agree with the new finding while 42% disagree. The remaining 10% are not sure or can’t do math.
When these reporters contacted the White House all we got was a curt statement issued from the Press Secretary, Scott McClellan, saying, “You’ve got to be kidding”.
Can't figure this one out.
Since I dont'work for the GOP, and am not indebted to them. how can they be cheating me?
I hope you make it clear this is satire. Otherwise the AP, Wash Post and NY SLIMES might run it on page one.
Although I thoughts this was the Onion, the names were close enough. Good for a laugh..
LOL, they would!!
I now hold ANYONE with a degree in a lower regard...
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.