Songs so bad they're on a list all their own

Houston Chronicle ^ | April 20, 2004, 4:05PM | CLIFFORD PUGH

[Houmatt]

We're a nation of lists. Best dressed. Worst dressed. Fattest cities. Fittest cities. Hottest couples. Baddest break-ups. The greatest and worst movies, television shows, videos, DVDs and albums of all time.

Heck, VH1 has even compiled the "top 9 Jen's." Aniston, Lopez and Garner lead the list (guess they couldn't locate a 10th).

But no one has compiled the 50 worst songs ever -- until now.

Blender, a heretofore little-known music magazine, has garnered a boatload of attention this week with its list of really bad rock-era tunes. According to an advance copy of the article, which is in the May issue (on newsstands April 27), the selected songs have "crap-tastic" melodies, were wretchedly performed or make no sense whatsoever.

Or perhaps they simply evoked bad memories for the magazine's editors.

Who could truly despise the No. 1 song on their list -- Starship's We Built This City -- or No. 33, Aqua's Barbie Girl ("I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic!")?

OK, so maybe Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby, the Stevie Wonder/Paul McCartney duet Ebony and Ivory, Ricky Martin's She Bangs and Celine Dion's love theme from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On, deserve their rankings (Nos. 5, 10, 39 and 50, respectively).

But it's hard to take a list seriously that includes Simon & Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence (No. 42), REM's Shiny Happy People (No. 35) and the Beatles' Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (No. 48) -- but excludes the Macarena.

And what, no Barry Manilow?

Check out the full list and see if you agree with any of the choices.

And if you're really a glutton for punishment, tune in on May 12 to hear the VH1 special, The 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.

Blender Magazine's list of the 50 Worst Songs Ever:

1. We Built This City ... Starship ... 1985

2. Achy Breaky Heart ... Billy Ray Cyrus ... 1992

3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight ... Wang Chung ... 1986

4. Rollin' ... Limp Bizkit ... 2000

5. Ice Ice Baby ... Vanilla Ice ... 1990

6. The Heart of Rock & Roll ... Huey Lewis and the News ... 1984

7. Don't Worry, Be Happy ... Bobby McFerrin ... 1988

8. Party All the Time ... Eddie Murphy ... 1985

9. American Life ... Madonna ... 2003

10. Ebony and Ivory ... Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder ... 1982

11. Invisible ... Clay Aiken ... 2003

12. Kokomo ... The Beach Boys ... 1988

13. Illegal Alien ... Genesis ... 1983

14. From a Distance ... Bette Midler ... 1990

15. I'll Be There for You ... The Rembrandts ... 1995

16. What's Up? ... 4 Non Blondes ... 1993

17. Pumps and a Bump ... Hammer ... 1994

18. You're the Inspiration ... Chicago ... 1984

19. Broken Wings ... Mr. Mister ... 1985

20. Dancing on the Ceiling ... Lionel Richie ... 1986

21. Two Princes ... Spin Doctors ... 1992

22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) ... Toby Keith ... 2002

23. Sunglasses at Night ... Corey Hart ... 1984

24. Five for Fighting ... Superman ... 2000

25. I'll Be Missing You ... Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112 ... 1997

26. The End ... The Doors ... 1967

27. The Final Countdown ... Europe ... 1987

28. Your Body Is a Wonderland ... John Mayer ... 2001

29. Breakfast at Tiffany's ... Deep Blue Something ... 1995

30. Greatest Love of All ... Whitney Houston ... 1986

31. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm ... Crash Test Dummies ... 1994

32. Will 2K ... Will Smith ... 1999

33. Barbie Girl ... Aqua ... 1997

34. Longer ... Dan Fogelberg ... 1979

35. Shiny Happy People ... R.E.M. ... 1991

36. Make Em Say Uhh! ... Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X and Mystikal ... 1998

37. Rico Suave ... Gerardo ... 1991

38. Cotton Eyed Joe ... Rednex ... 1995

39. She Bangs ... Ricky Martin ... 2000

40. I Wanna Sex You Up ... Color Me Badd ... 1991

41. We Didn't Start the Fire ... Billy Joel ... 1989

42. The Sounds of Silence ... Simon & Garfunkel ... 1965

43. Follow Me ... Uncle Kracker ... 2000

44. I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) ... Meat Loaf ... 1993

45. Mesmerize ... Ja Rule featuring Ashanti ... 2002

46. Hangin' Tough ... New Kids on the Block ... 1989

47. The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You ... Bryan Adams ... 1996

48. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da ... The Beatles ... 1968

49. I'm Too Sexy ... Right Said Fred ... 1992

50. My Heart Will Go On ... Celine Dion ... 1998

[Kirkwood]

Ugh. Helen Reddy. Anything by here was good to play if you wanted your guests to leave.

OK, how about Disco Duck? Somebody just shoot me.

[dirtbiker]

Thanks, it's been a LONG time since I heard that one on the radio........

[bootless]

AUUUGH! The lost dog song.

How about Heaven on the Seventh Floor? Undercover Angel? Both from 1977.

Fish Heads, just for my amusement.

[highlander_UW]

There are several that have no place on this sort of a list.

And why isn't You're So Vain by Carly Simon not on the list?! After all, the song WAS about whoever she's singing about! (reportedly Warren Beatty)

[VadeRetro]

OMG, that is awful! It's not even singing, just his furniture-chewing acting.

[Feckless]

Indiana Wants Me..... I want to eat my .44 when I hear it.

[katz]

Thank you. Another post gave me the link to the song. I love it.

[PJ-Comix]

In The Year 2525

[ladyinred]

The Heart of Rock and Roll is one of my favorites!

[GSWarrior]

Novelty songs like Fish Heads, Disco Duck, etc. shouldn't count, IMO. Only songs meant to be taken seriously should be on the list, like Seasons In the Sun.

[Kirkwood]

"I second that. And who actually says; "...genuine toe tapper" anyway? Who is this guy? Grandpa Simpson?"

I think someone from Wisconsin. I was up in MAdison last year and they played a Michael Jackson song on the radio and the DJ said something like "Oooh, that Michael Jackson... he sure was a hot potato wasn't he? He sure made the women turn to apple jelly." Bwahahaha!!!

[Green Knight]

You can't be serious. "Kung Fu Fighting" is an awesome song! Huge amount of fun. :D

[katz]

Thanks. FR's know this song. Now I want to find it.

[bc2]

seek help, friends... SEEK HELP!!!


lol I'm sure that anyone on the "rock n roll ping list" can help you guys out!

hahaha

"high-spirited and a genuine toe tapper"... "inspiring toe-tapper"... "Sunglasses at Night- A good song"...

you can't be serious hahaha!

:-)

[No Fool]

First let's get this out of the way: ANYTHING BY "HOLE"

And may I submit that

"I'm a Loser, Baby, So Why Don't You Kill Me?"

...definitely deserves a spot on this list.

[I still care]

"Julie" was the first one I thought of when they made up this list. Great minds think alike!

Although Bobby Sherman turned out to be a pretty nice human being.

Frankly, I know it is the number one song of the millennium in Britain, but the one song that ALWAYS makes me turn the station is "Imagine". It is communist, Utopian nonsense written by a gifted, sad man with emotional and drug problems.

[cincinnati65]

"Shake, shake, shake.......shake, shake, shake.......shake yo' booty.....shake yo' booty"

[Kirkwood]

I always heard it was Mick Jagger, but you might be right.

[Ichneumon]

Hard to decide which 50 Joanie Mitchel tunes, if you can call them that, should be on the list.

Sacrilege!!

While some of her more, um, "experimental" songs may miss the mark (such is the price of exploring new ground), Joni Mitchell has written and performed countless classics.

A while back I read a survey of responses from an amazingly large number of big/huge names in modern music, in answer to the question of who had most influenced them musically. Across a wide range of styles (e.g. rock, jazz, blues, classical, soul, etc.), the name that was mentioned more than any other was Joni Mitchell.

There is no rhythm, no melody, the lines don't scan, much less rhyme or make sense, and she whines it all.

I couldn't disagree more.

[theophilusscribe]

"Lady in Red" by Chris DeBurgh and "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" by Culture Club.

Yes, actually, I did want to hurt that guy! LOL!