Songs so bad they're on a list all their own

Houston Chronicle ^ | April 20, 2004, 4:05PM | CLIFFORD PUGH

[Houmatt]

We're a nation of lists. Best dressed. Worst dressed. Fattest cities. Fittest cities. Hottest couples. Baddest break-ups. The greatest and worst movies, television shows, videos, DVDs and albums of all time.

Heck, VH1 has even compiled the "top 9 Jen's." Aniston, Lopez and Garner lead the list (guess they couldn't locate a 10th).

But no one has compiled the 50 worst songs ever -- until now.

Blender, a heretofore little-known music magazine, has garnered a boatload of attention this week with its list of really bad rock-era tunes. According to an advance copy of the article, which is in the May issue (on newsstands April 27), the selected songs have "crap-tastic" melodies, were wretchedly performed or make no sense whatsoever.

Or perhaps they simply evoked bad memories for the magazine's editors.

Who could truly despise the No. 1 song on their list -- Starship's We Built This City -- or No. 33, Aqua's Barbie Girl ("I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic!")?

OK, so maybe Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby, the Stevie Wonder/Paul McCartney duet Ebony and Ivory, Ricky Martin's She Bangs and Celine Dion's love theme from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On, deserve their rankings (Nos. 5, 10, 39 and 50, respectively).

But it's hard to take a list seriously that includes Simon & Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence (No. 42), REM's Shiny Happy People (No. 35) and the Beatles' Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (No. 48) -- but excludes the Macarena.

And what, no Barry Manilow?

Check out the full list and see if you agree with any of the choices.

And if you're really a glutton for punishment, tune in on May 12 to hear the VH1 special, The 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.

Blender Magazine's list of the 50 Worst Songs Ever:

1. We Built This City ... Starship ... 1985

2. Achy Breaky Heart ... Billy Ray Cyrus ... 1992

3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight ... Wang Chung ... 1986

4. Rollin' ... Limp Bizkit ... 2000

5. Ice Ice Baby ... Vanilla Ice ... 1990

6. The Heart of Rock & Roll ... Huey Lewis and the News ... 1984

7. Don't Worry, Be Happy ... Bobby McFerrin ... 1988

8. Party All the Time ... Eddie Murphy ... 1985

9. American Life ... Madonna ... 2003

10. Ebony and Ivory ... Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder ... 1982

11. Invisible ... Clay Aiken ... 2003

12. Kokomo ... The Beach Boys ... 1988

13. Illegal Alien ... Genesis ... 1983

14. From a Distance ... Bette Midler ... 1990

15. I'll Be There for You ... The Rembrandts ... 1995

16. What's Up? ... 4 Non Blondes ... 1993

17. Pumps and a Bump ... Hammer ... 1994

18. You're the Inspiration ... Chicago ... 1984

19. Broken Wings ... Mr. Mister ... 1985

20. Dancing on the Ceiling ... Lionel Richie ... 1986

21. Two Princes ... Spin Doctors ... 1992

22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) ... Toby Keith ... 2002

23. Sunglasses at Night ... Corey Hart ... 1984

24. Five for Fighting ... Superman ... 2000

25. I'll Be Missing You ... Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112 ... 1997

26. The End ... The Doors ... 1967

27. The Final Countdown ... Europe ... 1987

28. Your Body Is a Wonderland ... John Mayer ... 2001

29. Breakfast at Tiffany's ... Deep Blue Something ... 1995

30. Greatest Love of All ... Whitney Houston ... 1986

31. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm ... Crash Test Dummies ... 1994

32. Will 2K ... Will Smith ... 1999

33. Barbie Girl ... Aqua ... 1997

34. Longer ... Dan Fogelberg ... 1979

35. Shiny Happy People ... R.E.M. ... 1991

36. Make Em Say Uhh! ... Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X and Mystikal ... 1998

37. Rico Suave ... Gerardo ... 1991

38. Cotton Eyed Joe ... Rednex ... 1995

39. She Bangs ... Ricky Martin ... 2000

40. I Wanna Sex You Up ... Color Me Badd ... 1991

41. We Didn't Start the Fire ... Billy Joel ... 1989

42. The Sounds of Silence ... Simon & Garfunkel ... 1965

43. Follow Me ... Uncle Kracker ... 2000

44. I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) ... Meat Loaf ... 1993

45. Mesmerize ... Ja Rule featuring Ashanti ... 2002

46. Hangin' Tough ... New Kids on the Block ... 1989

47. The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You ... Bryan Adams ... 1996

48. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da ... The Beatles ... 1968

49. I'm Too Sexy ... Right Said Fred ... 1992

50. My Heart Will Go On ... Celine Dion ... 1998

[bootless]

This was obviously a list of break-up songs, played while young women exercised their good judgment on these weenies.

Toby Keith? Love it?

Clay Aiken's Invisible? It's an intriguing and listenable song by a terrific singer.

I could go on.

They aren't the BEST songs ever, but they're certainly not the worst. For that list, Dave Barry has the definitive Worst Of list.

Honey - Bobby Goldsboro
The Night Chicago Died - Paper Lace
Run Joey Run - (Who knows?)
Fly Robin Fly - Silver Convention

These 50 aren't even close.

[dirtbiker]

No list would be complete without "Sugar sugar" by The Archies, or without "Chick-a-boom" by Daddy Dew Drops.

[Polonius]

A very questionable list ... the inclusion of the Beach Boys, Simon & Garfunkle and the Beatles smacks of a desire to be hipper-than-thou. Also, songs like "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and "The Heart of Rock & Roll" may be dated and even slightly annoying, but the mid- to late-70s alone produced much, much worse music.

[katz]

"If You Wanna Be Happy" Thank you. Kool song.

[Miss Marple]

Yes!!! "Muskrat Love" was the all-time WORST song ever recorded! It's absence from this list indicates the authors are not playing with a full deck.

[Kirkwood]

For me the lyrics don't matter. I can easily ignore bad lyrics. But when the person sings off key or the pitch is all wrong, then it makes me want to swerve my car off the road and hit a tree.

[alloysteel]

I humbly submit "Puberty Love" from "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"

But that song was MEANT to be intentionally bad. Some of these others just wander around and stumble into being bad, with no redeeming social benefit whatsoever.

[cardinal4]

I just thought of another one- Boogie Fever by the Sylvers. That was a real floater...

[VadeRetro]

She has a lot of vocal range, but like nuclear energy, it can be quite dangerous if used improperly.

There's a high note in "Loving You" that, when I accidentally played it loud on the radio, caused my neighbor's dog to commit suicide by kamikazee-ing into the traffic.

[Ichneumon]

What other songs do [belong on the list]?

"Don't Rock the Boat (Baby)", by the Hues Corporation.

And I'd like to say tha while I have disagreed with many of your FR posts in the past, I heartily agree with most of your analysis in this post.

It looks to me as if the people making the list weren't concentrating on the purported topic (*bad* songs) as much as they were knee-jerking about songs that have been *overplayed* too much (due to their popularity -- *not* the sign of a "bad" song), to the point where people got royally sick of them through relentless repetition.

Much of this list is "oh god, not *that* again" songs (e.g. the Titanic theme), not songs that are truly "bad".

[Sofa King]

42. The Sounds of Silence ... Simon & Garfunkel ... 1965 WHAT????? All you have to do is go to the 'rap' section in a music store, grab any 4-5 CDs, and right there you'll have 50 songs worse than that.

[dirtbiker]

Don't forget "Bad Blood" by Neil Sadaka (sic)

[bootless]

Aw c'mon , Let's Get Drunk (aka A Different Kind of Love Song) is a Jimmy Buffett classic. Lots of fun, not to be taken seriously.

"I just got a waterbed, it's filled up with Elmer's Glue ... so honey, why don't we (ahem) get lunch at school?"

[Mr. Mojo]

I generally detest "anthem" type songs.

One of the worst (imo) is "Rock and Roll Hoochie Koo" by Rick Derringer.

Here's a list for you. (Some are actually excellent songs, and most have either "rock" or "rock and roll" in the title).

[Not A Snowbird]

Achy Breaky Heart did get very annoying... but it was great to line dance to. Better than an aerobic workout!

[NathanR]

ROFL

[bootless]

Oops. Love it? should be Love It!

[Kirkwood]

"The Night Chicago Died - Paper Lace"

I hate to admit it, but I actually kind of like this song... has an old-town Chicago barroom sound to it.

[handk]

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
If you want my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

LOL.

[bootless]

Feelings, by Morris Albert.