Songs so bad they're on a list all their own

Houston Chronicle ^ | April 20, 2004, 4:05PM | CLIFFORD PUGH

[Houmatt]

We're a nation of lists. Best dressed. Worst dressed. Fattest cities. Fittest cities. Hottest couples. Baddest break-ups. The greatest and worst movies, television shows, videos, DVDs and albums of all time.

Heck, VH1 has even compiled the "top 9 Jen's." Aniston, Lopez and Garner lead the list (guess they couldn't locate a 10th).

But no one has compiled the 50 worst songs ever -- until now.

Blender, a heretofore little-known music magazine, has garnered a boatload of attention this week with its list of really bad rock-era tunes. According to an advance copy of the article, which is in the May issue (on newsstands April 27), the selected songs have "crap-tastic" melodies, were wretchedly performed or make no sense whatsoever.

Or perhaps they simply evoked bad memories for the magazine's editors.

Who could truly despise the No. 1 song on their list -- Starship's We Built This City -- or No. 33, Aqua's Barbie Girl ("I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic!")?

OK, so maybe Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby, the Stevie Wonder/Paul McCartney duet Ebony and Ivory, Ricky Martin's She Bangs and Celine Dion's love theme from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On, deserve their rankings (Nos. 5, 10, 39 and 50, respectively).

But it's hard to take a list seriously that includes Simon & Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence (No. 42), REM's Shiny Happy People (No. 35) and the Beatles' Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (No. 48) -- but excludes the Macarena.

And what, no Barry Manilow?

Check out the full list and see if you agree with any of the choices.

And if you're really a glutton for punishment, tune in on May 12 to hear the VH1 special, The 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.

Blender Magazine's list of the 50 Worst Songs Ever:

1. We Built This City ... Starship ... 1985

2. Achy Breaky Heart ... Billy Ray Cyrus ... 1992

3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight ... Wang Chung ... 1986

4. Rollin' ... Limp Bizkit ... 2000

5. Ice Ice Baby ... Vanilla Ice ... 1990

6. The Heart of Rock & Roll ... Huey Lewis and the News ... 1984

7. Don't Worry, Be Happy ... Bobby McFerrin ... 1988

8. Party All the Time ... Eddie Murphy ... 1985

9. American Life ... Madonna ... 2003

10. Ebony and Ivory ... Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder ... 1982

11. Invisible ... Clay Aiken ... 2003

12. Kokomo ... The Beach Boys ... 1988

13. Illegal Alien ... Genesis ... 1983

14. From a Distance ... Bette Midler ... 1990

15. I'll Be There for You ... The Rembrandts ... 1995

16. What's Up? ... 4 Non Blondes ... 1993

17. Pumps and a Bump ... Hammer ... 1994

18. You're the Inspiration ... Chicago ... 1984

19. Broken Wings ... Mr. Mister ... 1985

20. Dancing on the Ceiling ... Lionel Richie ... 1986

21. Two Princes ... Spin Doctors ... 1992

22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) ... Toby Keith ... 2002

23. Sunglasses at Night ... Corey Hart ... 1984

24. Five for Fighting ... Superman ... 2000

25. I'll Be Missing You ... Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112 ... 1997

26. The End ... The Doors ... 1967

27. The Final Countdown ... Europe ... 1987

28. Your Body Is a Wonderland ... John Mayer ... 2001

29. Breakfast at Tiffany's ... Deep Blue Something ... 1995

30. Greatest Love of All ... Whitney Houston ... 1986

31. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm ... Crash Test Dummies ... 1994

32. Will 2K ... Will Smith ... 1999

33. Barbie Girl ... Aqua ... 1997

34. Longer ... Dan Fogelberg ... 1979

35. Shiny Happy People ... R.E.M. ... 1991

36. Make Em Say Uhh! ... Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X and Mystikal ... 1998

37. Rico Suave ... Gerardo ... 1991

38. Cotton Eyed Joe ... Rednex ... 1995

39. She Bangs ... Ricky Martin ... 2000

40. I Wanna Sex You Up ... Color Me Badd ... 1991

41. We Didn't Start the Fire ... Billy Joel ... 1989

42. The Sounds of Silence ... Simon & Garfunkel ... 1965

43. Follow Me ... Uncle Kracker ... 2000

44. I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) ... Meat Loaf ... 1993

45. Mesmerize ... Ja Rule featuring Ashanti ... 2002

46. Hangin' Tough ... New Kids on the Block ... 1989

47. The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You ... Bryan Adams ... 1996

48. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da ... The Beatles ... 1968

49. I'm Too Sexy ... Right Said Fred ... 1992

50. My Heart Will Go On ... Celine Dion ... 1998

[mean lunch lady]

Re: Ray Stevens...
Do you also have the one about the day the squirrel went berserk in the First South Baptist Church? That one is hilarious.

[gatorgriz]

Thanks for filling me in on who wrote the original version of "Muskrat Love" and not jumping all over me for not knowing about the travesty that was later recorded... The Captain and what's her name; I really hate their version; never heard the original, but I'll keep my eyes open for the orginal lp; never know what you might find at a garage sale!

[dirtbiker]

The dogs barking "Jungle Bells" should be on there.

What about the one with the chickens clucking "In The Mood"?

[dirtbiker]

Ray Stevens had a bunch of nutty songs: "Ahab the Arab", "Guitarzan", "Freddy Feelgood and His Funky Little 5 Piece Band", "Mississippi Squirrel Revival", "Junk Food Junkie", "The Haircut Song" ("I'm a Logger"), just to name a few.....

[dirtbiker]

Then again, there's my personal Blues favorite, "Nobody Loves Me But My Mama, and She Could Be Jivin' Too."

Wasn't that one by Blind Melon Chittling on a Cheech and Chong album?

[dirtbiker]

Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated, Quick-dissolving, Fast-acting, Pleasant-tasting Green and Purple Pills"?

Another Ray Stevens classic............

[mean lunch lady]

Re: Ray Stevens songs-

You forgot "The Streak"

[TotusTuus]

Christos Voskrese!

Revolution 9

That's a song?

Actually, the one time in my life that I called a radio station (an oldies at that), I requested this "song" as a joke. The DJ couldn't stop laughing. He just had to put the phone call on the air.

I think Blender was looking for the worst songs that were actually hits.

[bootless]

I *love* Guitarzan!

"Shut up, baby, I'm tryin' ta sing!"

[Salamander]

Creepier still:

"Ode to Billie Joe"

What the heck was thrown offa that bridge, anyway?!?

[solitas]

Mississippi Squirrel Revival. yep. but I prefer his older stuff - especially 'Turn Your Radio On' (1971?) (his variation of Albert Brumley's 1938 Gospel song - AB also wrote 'I'll Fly Away').

GRRREAT stuff!

[solitas]

hey! - don' diss Ray Stevens! (ref posts 143,159,161,164,et.al)

[mean lunch lady]

hey! - don' diss Ray Stevens! (ref posts 143,159,161,164,et.al)

No, no, I was talking about songs that I like! I would never diss Ray Stevens. He wrote some of the most unusual songs ever done. I think that's a good thing. And the Mississippi Squirrel Revival was thought - provoking as well as being outrageously funny.

[dirtbiker]

No dis here! I love that guy!!!

[texasflower]

"Who Let the Dogs Out"

[Chi-townChief]

Thanks!!! I was hoping somebody had posted this. While I obviously disagree with "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue", it's great to see that they nailed four liberal anthems: "We Built This City", "Ebony and Ivory", "Shiny Happy People", and "Sounds of Silence" which should definitely have made the top 10!

[Chi-townChief]

Looking through the list once more, one real glaring omission: they need a really overwrought Springsteen number, the kind where he sounds like he's on the toilet constipated, like "The River."

[fidelis]

Actually, it's a real song! I've heard a version by BB King.

[Scoutmaster]

When you say "Run Joey Run", you're probably referring to "Quick Joey Small (Run Joey Run)" by Kasenetz-Katz Singing Orchestral Circus.

Quick Joey Small went-a over the wall

with a ball and a chain behind him

Quick Joey Small went-a over the wall

Set the dogs right out to find him

Het Het

1969, if I'm not mistaken.

Not only do I have it on a 45, but I own two copies of a LP titled "Bubblegum Music is the Naked Truth," which features Quick Joey Small along with songs by the Ohio Express ("Chewy, Chewy", "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy", "Down at Lulu's") the 1910 Fruitgum Company ("Simon Says," "Goody, Goody Gumdrops"), and the Lemon Pipers ("Green Tamborine"), among others.

The problem with this list is trying to limit it to 50.

From just the period 1966-1969 or so, we haven't even mentioned "Here Comes the Judge" by Pigmeat Markum, "She's a Heartbreaker" by Gene Pitney ("The way you sock-it-to-me girl, you're outta sight"), Master Jack by Three Jacks and a Jill, "Indian Lake" by the Cowsills.

And don't get me started on the early 1960s ("Goodbye Cruel World (I'm Off to Join the Circus)" by Jimmy Darin, etc., **shiver**).

Now, as far as the greatest songs NEVER to make it into the Billboard Top Ten, one would be "Look of Love" by Leslie Gore -- not the same song as "The Look of Love," written by Burt Bacharach. Why? Simply because it ranks just behind "Be Young, Be Foolish, Be Happy" by the Tams as the best song ever for Shagging (not in the Austin Powers sense, but the Southern fraternity house dance similar to the Jitterbug).

[Scoutmaster]

Ack! No sooner did I hit the post button than I realized you were probably talking about "Run Joey Run" by David Geddes, approximately 1975.

Interesting that there can be two so truly bad songs containing the phrase "Run Joey Run" in the title.

Can anyone else thing of a three-word or longer phrase that appears in two or more of the worst songs ever? Eh?