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The Senator Formerly Known as Kerry
Self | March 12, 2004 | Sloth

Posted on 03/12/2004 7:43:40 AM PST by Sloth

In an effort to "preserve our momentum into the general election season", Senator John F. Kerry left a Massachusetts courtroom yesterday announcing that he had legally changed his name to 'Unnamed F. Democrat.' Voters seemingly approve, as the Senator's polling numbers against President Bush improved immediately after the change.

The Kerry camp made the strategic name change decision amid fears that Kerry's liberal voting record and past public statements could hurt him with crucial 'swing voters' in November. "It seems so obvious, in hindsight," remarked one advisor, who changed his name to Unnamed Advisor as a show of solidarity. "I mean, a year ago, Kerry was trailing Bush by double digits, but an unnamed Democrat was on top by four points. If we'd done this back then, we could have reversed our fortunes that much sooner." The campaign also reportedly considered other names including 'Nascar F. Dad' and 'Cole N. Powell,' but early focus group data suggested these were not as effective.

Many observers agreed that the tactic is a shrewd one. On MSNBC's Hardball, Chris Matthews listed some of the advantages: "Nobody thinks about Jane Fonda when they hear 'Unnamed Democrat.' You can dig through the entire Congressional Record and you'll never see where Unnamed Democrat voted against national defense. Nobody named Unnamed Democrat ever admitted to committing atrocities in Vietnam. He has a clean slate! It basically takes all the Republican talking points off the table!"

The smooth-foreheaded senator seemed ambivalent about the change, saying he recognized the wisdom of his advisors, "but I do worry that it may cause a hiccup of sorts in the populist, grass roots juggernaut of support for John F. Kerry."

Indeed, it remains to be seen how the campaign will convey to existing John Kerry supporters and convention delegates that Unnamed F. Democrat is really the same man, without unintentionally tipping off the very voters the move is intended to attract. One possibility, the so-called 'Clark Kent strategy' calls for Senator Democrat to wear eyeglasses when appearing before the general public, but remove them when speaking to labor unions and other traditionally Democratic constituencies. Another option is for Democrat to avoid public exposure altogether, appearing only when absolutely necessary, via closed-circuit television in backlit sillhouette with electronic voice modification.

It is not clear whether the Senator's wife will change her name to Teresa Heinz-Democrat. Some advisors have recommended the name 'Mother F. Teresa' instead.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: democrat; johnkerry; kerry
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1 posted on 03/12/2004 7:43:43 AM PST by Sloth
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To: Cicero; gov_bean_ counter; rightwingreligiousfanatic; ClearCase_guy; JennysCool; ItsOurTimeNow; ...
Silly satire ping.
2 posted on 03/12/2004 8:11:51 AM PST by Sloth (We cannot defeat foreign enemies of the Constitution if we yield to the domestic ones.)
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To: Sloth
I don't think much of the man personally.
3 posted on 03/12/2004 8:13:50 AM PST by cyborg (In die begin het God die hemel en die aarde geskape.)
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To: Sloth
LOL! Bump
4 posted on 03/12/2004 8:17:12 AM PST by SAMWolf (John Kerry is not indecisive and wishy-washy. He consistantly gives aid and comfort to our enemies.)
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To: Sloth
Funny!

Favorite line: "It is not clear whether the Senator's wife will change her name to Teresa Heinz-Democrat. Some advisors have recommended the name 'Mother F. Teresa' instead."

I don't know how many name changes they might decide to try, but one thing is for certain...Teresa is hanging on to the Heinz moneyker - oops! moniker.

5 posted on 03/12/2004 8:24:00 AM PST by LucyJo
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To: Sloth
Hehehe. Funny!
6 posted on 03/12/2004 8:28:24 AM PST by SquirrelKing (If your beer tastes heavy, your tongue needs excercise. - Newcastle Brown)
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To: Sloth
LOL ! ...

One possibility, the so-called 'Clark Kent strategy' calls for Senator Democrat to wear eyeglasses when appearing before the general public, but remove them when speaking to labor unions and other traditionally Democratic constituencies ...

It is not clear whether the Senator's wife will change her name to Teresa Heinz-Democrat. Some advisors have recommended the name 'Mother F. Teresa' instead.


7 posted on 03/12/2004 8:34:09 AM PST by MeekOneGOP (The Democrats say they believe in CHOICE. I have chosen to vote STRAIGHT TICKET GOP for years !!)
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To: LucyJo; Sloth
Yeah, that was my favorite line, too!

Good one Sloth! you've got Talent!

8 posted on 03/12/2004 8:38:33 AM PST by MrsEmmaPeel
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To: Sloth
I have the feeling that before the election is over, J F'onda Kerry would love to change his name to the unknown rat.

He has left electronic and paper trails which shows what a dangerous man he is.

American can't afford to have a Hate America President who is locked into the Hate America 1960/70's as our president after 9/11.
9 posted on 03/12/2004 8:40:39 AM PST by Grampa Dave (Even if $oreA$$ pays, America can't afford a 9/10 John F'onda Kerry after 9/11.)
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To: Sloth
It is not clear whether the Senator's wife will change her name to Teresa Heinz-Democrat.

I would suggest that she change her name to Teresa Generic-Brand-Democrat so that she distances the campaign from her Ketchup Company.

10 posted on 03/12/2004 8:41:58 AM PST by P-Marlowe (Let your light so shine before men....)
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To: P-Marlowe
lol... "Teresa Hunt's"
11 posted on 03/12/2004 8:51:21 AM PST by Sloth (We cannot defeat foreign enemies of the Constitution if we yield to the domestic ones.)
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To: Sloth
Hilarious!
12 posted on 03/12/2004 9:02:03 AM PST by octobersky
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To: Sloth
Better ask the Moderator to pull this thread. I would hate for it to fall into the hands of the DNC.

Funny

13 posted on 03/12/2004 9:04:25 AM PST by Lawgvr1955 (I am not completely worthless; I can always serve as a "bad example".)
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To: Sloth
Well, the problem for Kerry is that the other candidates might do the same thing. Reverend Al might run as Unknown S. Democrat, General Wesley as Unknown C. Democrat, and so forth. Then how would all those dead Democrats know which one to vote for?
14 posted on 03/12/2004 9:28:40 AM PST by Cicero (Marcus Tullius)
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To: Sloth
Hi, is this where the "attack squad" meets? Can I join? Do you have a secret handshake? Can I buy a baseball cap that says "Attack Squad"? As tee shirt? Is there an "attack squad yell"? Maybe a theme song?

Oh, this is not the "attack squad"? This is "truth squad"? But Kerry said there was an "attack squad". There isn't? Just people telling the truth about him. Oh, I see. Then why would he use the words "attack squad"?

Nobody knows? I'll go ask Kerry. Be right back..........

OK, I checked with Kerry. It seems Kerry used the term "attack squad" because it might make people think of these guys.

Kerry also says he is changing his name to: $900,000,000,000.

Or, he says, you can just call him "Nine-fing-Billion".

15 posted on 03/12/2004 9:31:10 AM PST by isthisnickcool (Guns!)
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To: Sloth
..and in a related development, Unnamed F. Democrat, the junior Senator from Massachusetts, today denied he had changed his name, adding he had received much support in the matter from unnamed leaders around the globe.

"Unnamed F. Democrat has not yet begun to fight," said Senator Democrat.
16 posted on 03/12/2004 11:39:19 AM PST by Chummy (Member of the most crooked, you know, lying group Just For Kerry has ever seen)
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To: Sloth; SAMWolf; MeekOneGOP; potlatch; Grampa Dave; BOBTHENAILER; autoresponder; PhiKapMom

The voting record of John FormerlyKnownAs Kerry clearly shows him to be nothing on defense, nothing on intelligence, nothing on taxes, nothing on same-sex marriage, and nothing on the war on terror.

17 posted on 03/12/2004 1:31:54 PM PST by PhilDragoo (Hitlery: das Butch von Buchenvald)
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To: PhilDragoo
I heard Kerry finally went hi-tech.


18 posted on 03/12/2004 1:40:42 PM PST by SAMWolf (John Kerry is not indecisive and wishy-washy. He consistantly gives aid and comfort to our enemies.)
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To: PhilDragoo

Artist: Beatles
Song Title: John "Nowhere Man" Kerry


He's a real nowhere man,
Sitting in his nowhere land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere man, please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere man, the world is at your command.

He's as blind as he can be,
Just sees what he wants to see,
Nowhere man can you see me at all?

Nowhere man, don't worry,
Take your time, don't hurry,
Leave it all 'till somebody else
Lends you a hand.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere man, please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere man, the world is at your command.

He's a real nowhere man,
Sitting in his nowhere land,
Making all his nowhere plans
For nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans
For nobody.


19 posted on 03/12/2004 3:06:19 PM PST by MeekOneGOP (The Democrats say they believe in CHOICE. I have chosen to vote STRAIGHT TICKET GOP for years !!)
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To: Sloth
'Unnamed F. Democrat' and 'Mother F. Teresa'

Hmmmm...They must have the same middle name.

This is too funny! Thanks for the ping!


20 posted on 03/12/2004 4:50:36 PM PST by dixiechick2000 (President Bush is a mensch in cowboy boots.)
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