UK Defense Secretary John Healey Resigns [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 June 2026 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

This week the United Kingdom's Labor Party's Defense Secretary John Healy resigned, saying "Prime Minister Starmer refuses to ask for enough money to fund the kind of military we need to defend our country in this time of rising threats."

Starmer disagreed and pointed out "we are engaged in a transition to what I feel is a necessary pivot from our long-term reliance on the United States to provide our defense. During the 20th century the US came to our aid in two world wars. Then for seven decades defended us from Russian aggression. This enabled us to spend more on social services. President Trump has been demanding that we pay our fair share of the cost of defending our country. Now he has led the US into a war of aggression against Iran. Continuing as we have in the past is no longer an option."

"Muslims now account for a quarter of the Earth's population," Starmer observed, "and their rate of reproduction exceeds anything we or the other European countries can hope to match. Within the next two decades the United Kingdom will be a Muslim majority nation. Rather than foolishly try to avoid the inevitable, it is my plan to persuade the indigenous people of the UK to convert to Islam. It is a simpler system to understand and implement. All Muslims will be our friends. Everyone else will be our enemies. We will be freed from admonitions to turn the other cheek and free to wantonly attack anyone who refuses to convert to our new religion. Those who have been paying attention will note that I have urged a more accepting stance toward resident Muslims who feel compelled to exert their will on those who do not share their faith."

"The rest of Europe is in a similar predicament," the PM insisted. "All are being inundated by Muslim invaders. Europe was able to fend them off at the Battle of Tours in 732 and the Battle of Vienna in 1683, but that was when we had the courage to risk life and limb for our beliefs. We no longer believe in anything worth fighting for. Rather than mindlessly drift into being massacred I think it better to strategically yield to the stronger faith. Heeding the daily calls to prayer, keeping our women covered and submissive, obeying the mullahs set over us are tolerable prices to pay for the safety that will come from being on the winning side."

In related news, a recent poll conducted by by the European Council on Foreign Relations (ECFR) revealed that only one in ten Europeans see the US as an ally. Starmer cited this fact as "further proof that the kind of pivot I'm trying to pull off is the most sensible option available to all of us."

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TOPICS: Government; Humor; Military/Veterans; Politics
KEYWORDS: europeans; muslims; satire; starmer