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Newsom Makes His Book a Best-Seller [semi-satire]
Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 April 2026 | John Semmens

Posted on 04/27/2026 10:03:04 AM PDT by John Semmens

With two-thirds of the printed copies of his book--"Young Man in a Hurry: A Memoir of Discovery"--remaining unsold, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) claims he bought these copies "to ensure it would be a best-seller. My plan is to give autographed copies to everyone who donates to my presidential campaign. I think my sly and speedy action here demonstrates my ingenuity as leader and gives me an early lead for the 2028 Democratic nomination for president."

"Another factor that will put me ahead of my Democrat rivals is that I was born a poor black child with a low IQ and dyslexia," Newsom boasted. "I am not just running to represent the people of America. I am one of them. Not one of my competitors can match me on this. They're all claiming that they're better than the people they want to represent as president."

"In addition to these two factors, I, unlike anyone else who is running, was taken by the Getty family to meet the King of Spain, Juan Carlos I," Newsom recalled. "Since Juan Carlos abdicated the throne in 2014, no one else can duplicate this unique experience I will bring with me when I move into the White House in January of 2029. Voters will appreciate that I have had contact with him and other important people that no one else has had."

Newsom received a ringing endorsement of his anticipated run for president from Hunter Biden who called him "the Democratic Party's greatest warrior. I think a ticket with Newsom at the top and New York Mayor Mamdani as VP would be an unstoppable juggernaut against any Republican ticket in 2028. Both have great ideas and the guts to implement them."

In related news, in order to speed up the process of rebuilding the homes the 2025 fires destroyed in Los Angeles County and the City of Los Angeles, President Trump issued an executive order in January of this year. At that time fewer than a dozen of the 16,000 homes that were destroyed had been rebuilt. Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass (D) called Trump's order "a political stunt to make us look bad." Gov. Newsom blamed Trump for the delay in rebuilding, saying "he flat out refused to give me the $40 billion I requested because he said he was afraid I would squander it like all the other federal aid that has been stolen in our state during my two terms in office. That's so unfair."


TOPICS: Books/Literature; Government; Humor; Politics
KEYWORDS: fires; hunterbiden; postandrun; satire; selfpromotion; trump
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1 posted on 04/27/2026 10:03:04 AM PDT by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

We’re going to have to start calling him Gavin “The Jerk” Newscum.


2 posted on 04/27/2026 10:12:38 AM PDT by FlingWingFlyer (The Party of Death's DemonRAT Flying Luigi Monkeys and their furry butt butties SUCK.)
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To: John Semmens

I heard that Hollyweird is making it into one of those animated Japanese cartoon movies.


3 posted on 04/27/2026 10:18:19 AM PDT by FlingWingFlyer (The Party of Death's DemonRAT Flying Luigi Monkeys and their furry butt butties SUCK.)
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To: John Semmens

Politicians buying their own books or having political allies buy their books is nothing new. What is sadly new is that it no longer is a scandal. A long time ago, Jim Wright actually resigned from Congress because he had a union buy his autobiography in bulk. It was a scandal. I guess these days its par for the course.


4 posted on 04/27/2026 11:16:04 AM PDT by Opinionated Blowhard (When the people find that they can vote themselves money, that will herald the end of the republic.)
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To: FlingWingFlyer

Moves $$$$ from his campaign directly into his own pocket.


5 posted on 04/27/2026 11:42:56 AM PDT by MMusson ( )
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To: John Semmens
I think my sly and speedy slimy and deceptive action here demonstrates my ingenuity how dishonest and unqualified I am as leader...

There...fixed.

6 posted on 04/27/2026 11:47:40 AM PDT by econjack
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To: Opinionated Blowhard

In this case it’s probably public library systems using taxpayer money.

I’ve checked out a few on major metros that have bought multiple copies in a variety of formats.

Now imagine those numbers nationwide.

BTW, I once tried to get a copy of their budget from my local library system. The employee I spoke with told me to get a lawyer.


7 posted on 04/27/2026 11:55:01 AM PDT by mewzilla (Swing away, Mr. President, swing away! 🇺🇸 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿)
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To: All

Former House Speaker Jim Wright resigned from Congress in 1989 partly due to an ethics
investigation that focused on his book about himself, “Reflections of a Public Man.”

Looking to advance his political fortunes, the scandal involved bulk book purchases by various groups—
supporters, unions, and special interests—to bypass limits on outside income and honorariums. -— EBSCO


8 posted on 04/27/2026 2:35:32 PM PDT by Liz (Jonathan Swift: Govrnment without the consent of the governed is the very definition of slavery .)
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