California Election Catastrophe Averted [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 April 2026 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

This week, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) took action to avert a Democrat disaster in the state's gubernatorial election. Sitting Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) is term-limited. A crowd of candidates are running in the "jungle primary" where the top two finishers are paired against each other in the general election. Since last November polls have repeatedly shown that the top two candidates favored by the voters are both Republicans.

Pelosi said "when Eric Swalwell told me he was going to run for governor I advised him not to. We all knew he had been naughty, but Congress has a special fund to protect its members by buying off those who accuse them to decline to press charges. Eric asked that I give him a chance to prove he could win the race for governor. For a while things looked pretty good for his chances. He got almost all the key union endorsements and loads of money from big donors including China. Given all these advantages he still trailed behind the two Republicans. To have let this go on any longer risked having all of our Party's candidates lose in the primary."

"Clearly, we had to do something to prevent such a catastrophe," Pelosi explained. "I asked Eric to drop out and suggested he could frame it in such a way that would look like he was putting his role in Congress as the higher priority in this time of crisis with Trump acting like a warmongering dictator. Eric refused. I told him that the dirt being held back by the special fund could be released to the public. He said I wouldn't dare, that since I had helped put him in Congress I would also be dirtied in the process. I said 'Eric, I didn't rape anyone.' He foolishly replied 'neither did I.'"

"Well, as we have all seen, several women have come forward to accuse Mr. Swalwell of raping them," the former Speaker pointed out. "His donors withdrew their pledges. His endorsers are reconsidering who they want to back. He is facing possible criminal prosecution. He has 'suspended' his campaign for governor and is resigning from Congress to devote his energies to staying out of jail. That's the sad news for him. The good news for the Party is that Democrat Tom Steyer will be moving to the top of the polls. He has billions of dollars of his own money to spend and ensure he is a top-two finisher in the primary. There won't be two Republicans moving on to the general election. Registered Democrats outnumber Republicans by almost two to one. No Republican has won a statewide general election in 20 years. I have once again saved the day for our Party, the state, and the nation." Modify message

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TOPICS: Government; Humor; Politics
KEYWORDS: corruption; democrats; pelosi; postandrun; satire; selfpromotion; swalwell