Trump Announces Plan To Take Australia And Cash In Its 2 Troop Bonus Every Round, Wait Till All The Other Armies Are Depleted, Then Launch His Assault On Asia

Babylon Bee ^ | 01/14/2026 | Babylon Bee

[DFG]

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has revealed his plan to seize Australia, cash in its two-troop continent bonus each turn, wait for the other armies to deplete each other, and then launch an invasion of Asia.

Trump stated that with only one point of entry in and out of Australia, the continent was set up ideally for amassing an army while avoiding early losses.

"First Australia, then the world," said Trump. "We're going to win bigly, believe me. It's the perfect balance, Australia. You're cashing in that bonus, which I love, I love bonuses, they're incredible deals. You're steadily getting all these troops, so it's hard for anyone to come take you out, but not getting troops so rapidly that anyone feels threatened. I'll save my cards to trade in at the perfect moment, and I always choose the perfect moment. It's going to be so beautiful."

According to souces, staffers at the Pentagon have attempted to explain to President Trump that taking over Australia will not actually result in a two-troop bonus, but to no avail. "They're idiots, those people, they have no idea what they're talking about, frankly," said Trump. "I've conquered Australia many times, hundreds of times, probably. Every time, I got two troops per turn for owning the continent. It's guaranteed, so long as you hold Australia. I love guarantees, they're hard to find these days, did you ever notice that?"

At publishing time, Trump had ordered the military to amass on the little connection that goes from Alaska to Kamchatka.

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TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; satire

[DFG]

I'm a Risk board game champion... Here's how Trump's tactics are a winning strategy for global domination

https://freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/4361552/posts

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-15449875/master-board-game-player-Donald-Trump-risk.html

[billorites]

We'll save Australia
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo
We'll build an All American amusement park there
They got surfin', too

[noiseman]

Love the Risk reference. When I was in college, a group of friends and I used to play Risk all the time. Our favorite inside joke was saying “Purely defensive, purely defensive” as we piled a ton of armies on one of our borders.

[Dr. Sivana]

“Purely defensive, purely defensive” as we piled a ton of armies on one of our borders.

My approach would be to encourage whoever had Siam (or India if need be) to take Indonesia out. Better his armies attacking than mine. I might even agree to lay off of Alaska and Greenland (for a while) as he did my work for me.

Another approach is to pick "Mr. Australia" off in other parts of the world, leaving him with the option of attacking from Indonesia or Siam, or not getting cards.

[6ppc]

When all else fails there’s always the Madagascar holdout! Wasted many hours during finals.

[Dr. Sivana]

I be liked piling armies on some random outpost in Asia (e.g. Yakutsk). That always looked purely defensive and not worth attacking. You could even pick-off some under nourished neighbor to ensure a card without offending anybody.

[RandallFlagg]

Could we please import the Kangaroo (for the awesome leather) and the lovely women (for the, well, you know...)