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Investment Accounts for Kids [semi-satire]
Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 December 2025 | John Semmens

Posted on 12/09/2025 8:37:22 AM PST by John Semmens

Michael Dell, founder and CEO of Dell Technologies, and his wife Susan are donating $6.25 billion to fund investment accounts for 25 million American children. "It's designed to help families feel supported from the start and encourage them to keep saving and investing as their children grow," Michael said. "We know that when children have accounts like this, they're much more likely to graduate from high school, from college, buy a home, start a business and less likely to be incarcerated."

Their donation will be coordinated with a new federal government program that allows parents to open tax-advantaged investment accounts for children under 18 with Social Security numbers. Under the federal program, US citizens born from the beginning of 2025 through 2028 will receive a federal grant of $1,000 to seed so-called "Trump Accounts." Parents will be able to open and contribute to these accounts starting on July 4, 2026.

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) called this plan "an investment scheme designed to thwart the surge toward socialism that is currently sweeping the country. Trump and his minions think that by setting up investment accounts for children they can turn them into capitalists who will exploit their wealth to make more wealth--buying stocks and bonds, investing in businesses. Their plan will fail. As more democratic socialists are elected to positions of power these accounts will be seized and the wealth accumulated will be redistributed to people who need it more than the children of successful parents."

President Trump touted the plan, saying "investing is the best way to improve the standard of living for every human. Putting your savings to work enables both personal and national wealth to expand. Getting young people onto this secret as early in life as we can will help accelerate economic growth around the world. Socialists have rejected this sound strategy in favor of the feeble idea that granting government control over existing wealth will produce a more equitable outcome. Historically, socialist regimes have squandered wealth and worsened the lives of the great majority of the people who live within their jurisdictions. I hope our investment plan is in time to avert a socialist disaster for America."


TOPICS: Business/Economy; Government; Humor; Politics
KEYWORDS: aoc; dell; satire; trump

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1 posted on 12/09/2025 8:37:22 AM PST by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens
I'm betting that there's a clause that says the parents can use the money in certain circumstances...

Somehow, I don't see this succeeding.

2 posted on 12/09/2025 8:57:14 AM PST by Sacajaweau
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To: John Semmens

I had to look twice before I realized that you wrote it.

That AOC quote got me riled up - and made me think “Could AOC really think so coherently?”


3 posted on 12/09/2025 9:05:51 AM PST by texas booster (Join FreeRepublic's Folding@Home team (Team # 36120) Cure Alzheimer's!)
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To: Sacajaweau
Somehow, I don't see this succeeding.

What do you mean? Anyone can see it isn't much different than an IRA.

4 posted on 12/09/2025 9:08:13 AM PST by aspasia
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To: John Semmens

Why not just remove the income requirement for an IRA and allow parents to do it?


5 posted on 12/09/2025 9:10:38 AM PST by bak3r
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To: bak3r

They already have those. 529s has no income requirement, and neither do UGMA accounts, which can be transferred to IRA.


6 posted on 12/09/2025 9:18:07 AM PST by aspasia
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To: John Semmens

Is this like a really big Tontine?

As outlined by the film “The Wrong Box”?


7 posted on 12/09/2025 9:52:45 AM PST by fella ("As it was before Noah so shall it be again," )
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To: John Semmens

I don’t know what is satire about a billionaire giving money to a cause that actually may benefit some American children. Much of it will be wasted or abused by parents but at least it won’t be my tax dollars or those children’s national debt financing it. Some portion of that money will survive to adulthood.

Anecdote: my dad bought life insurance policies for all of his children in 1963. 2500 dollars each. One of us died and it paid for a funeral and left a little that was used to set up a small scholarship for a student in ROTC at his high school. When all of the rest of us reached adulthood he gave us the policy to use as we wished. Being whole life policies they had cash value.

All of us kids but one promptly cashed in the policy and spent the money. I of course being the most superior and smartest of the bunch kept my policy and paid the premiums for 48 years and finally I cashed it out for 5500 dollars. The premiums were only 32 dollars a year. I used the money to help pay for a nice retirement RV.


8 posted on 12/09/2025 10:28:58 AM PST by webheart (Notice how I said all of that without any hyphens, and only complete words? )
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To: fella
Is this like a really big Tontine? No.

Because if a child with an account dies the other children do not get more money.

9 posted on 12/09/2025 10:36:56 AM PST by Harmless Teddy Bear (It's like somebody just put the Constitution up on a wall …. and shot the First Amendment -Mike Rowe)
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To: John Semmens

I think this is an incredible idea and applaud Michael Dell.


10 posted on 12/09/2025 10:50:55 AM PST by bigbob (We are all Charlie Kirk now)
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