Parasitic Blimps Threaten Crime Spree [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 November 2025 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

Most Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) recipients recently got emails or texts warning them that their monthly SNAP payments would not be made for November because Congress hasn't approved them. A number of them have posted videos of themselves in which they threaten to steal food.

"I'ma tell y'all straight up like this, I just got that text that the link is definitely cut the f–k off for November. Y'all better stay the f–k out of my way in these stores because I'm walking out with carts and I'm not paying for s–t," one posted on TikTok.

Another said "you know what? Since they wanna take food stamps away, I'm gonna go to f–king Walmart, grab anything I damn want, put that s–t right in the basket and walk right up out that b—h … I'm not paying for a damn thing."

A third expressed outrage saying "the email I got says I got to work 20 hours a week to get SNAP since I'm called 'able bodied.' I don't want to work. Slavery was abolished a hundred years ago. They can't make me work. It's the taxpayers' job to pay taxes so I can eat."

President Trump observed that "if you have the energy to steal you have the energy to work. Fill out a job application at Walmart and start carrying your own weight. I'd also like to point out that the Republican majority House has passed the necessary continuing resolution to fund government programs like SNAP, but the Democrat minority in the Senate refuses to end their filibuster and vote for this resolution. If you disagree with this blockade of nutritional supplements call Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer at (202) 224-6542 and tell him to vote to reopen the government."

Phil Fuller, a drug addict living under a bridge in New York City, called Trump "delusional. I weigh 500 pounds. It takes all the energy I have just to eat and get high. I haven't any time to spare to work for Walmart or anybody else. When Mamdani gets in he's going to take Trump's billions, give me a decent home, and feed me for free from a city-owed grocery store."

[John Semmens]

ping

[RoosterRedux]

Ghetto people have been raised by their enabling baby mamas to believe that anything they do is fine and dandy. Take and sell drugs, steal, have sex with anyone, have babies, kill babies—kill each other, kill The Man.

[RoosterRedux]

We should all ponder this statement all day because this kind of selfish thinking is what the Democratic Party has become. It sounds made up by some fake journalist, but it is still emblematic of the Democrats—"fake but true."

Phil Fuller, a drug addict living under a bridge in New York City, called Trump "delusional. I weigh 500 pounds. It takes all the energy I have just to eat and get high. I haven't any time to spare to work for Walmart or anybody else. When Mamdani gets in he's going to take Trump's billions, give me a decent home, and feed me for free from a city-owed grocery store."

[Cowgirl of Justice]

Here is the thing - if you are confronted in the parking lot and fat Bertha grabs your food out of your cart, you CANNOT defend yourself via 2nd. It stealing your food isn’t putting you in fear for your life, so unless you want her to sit on you or shove you out of the way, there is no defense other than to physically try to stop her and I truly believe they are hoping for pushback which would give them license to give you a pounding.

[MikelTackNailer]

This might open up new security jobs to accompany store-to-customer grocery deliveries. Or just to help people get their purchases to their vehicles without getting cart-jacked.

(Made up a new term today. Yay!)

[Ikeon]

Please understand, this is a very small percentage of the population that has a big mouth and open access to millions of viewers on social media.

Don't judge people by the worst of the worse who happen to post on social media about lack of food while being able to afford, nails, hair make-up and expensive phones

they attend anti government protests on Saturday and then complain about lack of government involvement in giving them free food money the next week.

a drop of rain isnt a hurricane. A tik tok video isnt the majority speaking.

otoh... most of these women making these posts aren't calorie deficient and wont be starving to death any time soon.

I felt obligated to help poor people until I got to know them and saw how they spent their own and anybody else's money. That's when I discovered,, they were poor by stupidity, drugs, alcohol and self indulgence , it was a choice.- me first, above all others, even thier own children.

[Tell It Right]

Agreed. I wish I had a dollar for every one of my pals in my majority black church who loudly proclaimed 5 years ago that George Floyd is not our hero. Both the media and the social media algorithms are making the few loud ones even louder, but they don’t represent the God fearing blacks.

That said, we mustn’t slack off on our message. If we do, then the loud few will have the prevailing message that impacts tomorrow’s culture.