Posted on 04/23/2025 10:53:44 AM PDT by DFG
U.S. — Following news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had officially banned artificial food dyes, Post Consumer Brands announced that it would be changing its "Fruity Pebbles" cereal to the more compliant "Whitey Pebbles."
The food giant said the cereal would feature all the same great ambiguously fruity flavors in similar packaging to the original, but now with 100% fewer carcinogenic food colors to avoid facing severe reprimands from Kennedy's Health Department.
"All the deliciousness, none of the poison!" Post marketing representative Shelly Banks said. "There's nothing quite like waking up in the morning, heading into the kitchen, and pouring yourself a nice, beautiful bowl of uncolored rice puffs that vaguely taste like fruit. Pick up a box of Whitey Pebbles at your local supermaket today!"
Longtime Fruit Pebbles fans seemed undeterred by the change in the cereal's appearance. "If I close my eyes when I eat it, it's exactly the same," said cereal lover Greg Hart. "As long as it tastes delicious and it's crunchy, I'm good. At least with RFK Jr. banning artificial food eyes, I can rest easy knowing that now it's only the artificial fruit flavoring that's slowly killing me and adversely affecting my endocrine system. Same great taste, but a slightly reduced risk of developing terminal cancer. Thanks, RFK!"
At publishing time, fellow cereal company General Mills was rumored to be preparing to unveil its new "Beige Charms," a whitened-out, artificial dye-free version of the popular "Lucky Charms" cereal with all off-white marshmallows.
They’ll just add more sugar.
"Cereal lover"? See, even with AI, there are still new jobs opening up all over the place.
Anyway, it's good to know that doing away with food dyes isn't going to be a "cereal killer."
Surprised no woke Karen ever pushed for the Pebbles name change already.
“How dare you name a cereal after a homophobic slur?”
LOL
I think “straighty pebbles” is more accurate.
"Fruity" == isoamyl acetate
Likewise the "Froot" in Froot Loops.
Tranny Pebbles - fruity with a little extra sugar in the tank
Damn You RFK Jr !Damn You!
Not my Fruity Pebbles 😱
Well, there USED to be “Whitey” Pebbles. The cereal was Rice Krinkles. Best cereal ever, and I still remember the light hint of honey taste even though it was dropped around 1971. I miss Quake, too.
Trix has different flavors though. A superior cereal.
Whitey can be fruity too, but who didn’t know that already.
That's racist! /s
Lucky Charms with Guiness. It’s the ethnic alternative to Wheaties with Jack Daniels.
We see it every June. /said with disgust
Nobody messes with my Count Chocula!
Wouldn’t it just be rice crispies at that point?
Quisp is a liberal. Check the old Quisp vs. Quake commercials on YouTube. Quake is MAGA.
Damn alien.
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