Posted on 03/17/2023 8:43:06 AM PDT by PJ-Comix
One of the fringe benefits of watching the Brian Craig Show on YouTube is hearing the comments that Brian, co-host of the Steve Kane Radio Show, makes during the commercial breaks. One such time was today when Brian read a joke that I texted him that was deemed too spicy to go over the airwaves.
BTW, I sort of get a nice high whenever I am in joke writing mode. When I lived in La-La Land I used to write jokes for comedians and quite a few of the jokes that you would read in Hustler back then were written by Yours Truly. The funny thing is they bought the WORST jokes I wrote not the good ones.
My Uncle Marty who was considered a bartenders bartender was great at his craft not only because he was very good at mixing drinks (and he never touched a drop alcohol himself) but because he could go through an entire shift telling non-stop jokes. He was head bartender at JFK Airport in New York and the mob guys used to love to go to his bar just to hear him tell nonstop jokes. One day when I was a kid when he was driving us on a road in the country I asked him how he could tell nonstop jokes all the time an he told me you have get your mind in a place to piece things together. I didn't know what the hell he was talking about so he said, "You see that tree? You see that telephone pole? You see that bird?" When I answered "Yes" he said, "Quick! Make a joke using all three of those things you see!" Of course, I couldn't but I understood the principle of what he was trying to get across.
Years later, after some practice, I was able to approach what Uncle Marty could do. (But only approach, not master it like he could.)
So this morning I was on a joke high. Besides the joke Brian read, I sent him a couple of more jokes based on what he was talking about on the air. One joke I wrote hit me when I heard Brian talking to a really annoying caller named Helen and they were talking about religious conversion and circumcision. Circumcision! How could I not joke about it? Well, added to those two elements is the fact that Brian is a YUUUUUUUGE Star Trek fan. In fact he was supposed to go to Georgia this weekend to visit Star Trek sets there but had to cancel out at the last minute.
Okay, I had conversion, circumcision, and Star Trek to work with and came up with this joke that I also texted him: "When the Star Trek crew convert they get Kirkumcised."
Finally, due to a discussion about puberty blockers for teens, I wrote up a joke somewhat related to the first one: "Q: What do you call a puberty blocking clinic? A: Schwing Busters."
And good night to you Uncle Marty wherever you are. (And I know you are still telling jokes on the spot.)
“It’s a family act...”
PING!
Suddenly I’m missing humblegunner...
At one Thanksgiving dinner, Uncle Marty told a turkey joke that was so dirty, complete with obscene hand gestures, that it shocked the rest of the family into embarrassed silence that in retrospect the memory of it is actually hilarious.
So you won't mind him out of nowhere calling your wife a wh---?
How ironic.
In the late 1970s, when I was a young, single, enlisted lad in the United States Air Force, maybe only a year out of High School, I would go to the base exchange and buy Hustler Magazine just for the jokes...
My apologies to Uncle Marty.
“The Aristocrats”
Uncle Marty was also funny when not trying to be. He told us that in WWII he was drafted into the Merchant Marine. When I asked him what happened he told me the war ended a couple of weeks after he shipped out so he was soon able to sleep in the afternoons again.
Well, he sometimes lacks Larry Flynt’s tact and social graces, but he has some redeeming qualities.
Or maybe he was about to be drafted so he joined the Merchant Marine. Anyway the war ended right after he shipped out so he was able to sleep in the afternoons which was important to him.
Larry Flynt had his faults but he never called my wife a wh---.
I’ve only personally known a couple of guys that were non-stop comedians. Guys that could just start taking and everything that came out of their mouths was funny. All original, non-repeat...just stringing stuff together that kept you laughing. You knew they’d hit their stride when you were laughing so hard you couldn’t even catch your breath. It’s like “Stop...please stop, I’m dying!”
What a talent. It was such a pleasure to know them.
PJ-Comix: So you won't mind him out of nowhere calling your wife a wh---?
To quote from Road House: "Is she?"
We want the turkey joke ...
Okay we drove to the neighborhood and parked on the designated block. Then we waited and waited and waited... When I started complaining about the loooong wait and nothing happening, Uncle Marty told me to shut up. He was a man on a mission. Finally, after even more time elapsed, a black car pulled up next to our car. A window went down in the black car and a pair of hands handed an electric guitar to Uncle Marty. And that was it.
No questions were asked because we knew there would be no answers.
I got fired for telling a joke at an after Christmas party - party. I was retiring in 6 months so it worked out okay, got unemployment for the last 6 months I was to work.
I don't really remember the joke because I wanted to forget it. What I didn't forget were the obscene hand gestures that accompanied the joke.
WWII may have been an exception, but I don't think you got drafted in the Merchant Marine, but it did count as military service.
I always tried to work the afternoon shift because it was important to me to sleep in mornings.
BTW, Uncle Marty’s jokes sometimes frightened people. One such person was another Uncle from my mother’s side of the family. We invited that Uncle to go fishing with us (including Uncle Marty) but he vigorously declined. He didn’t
say why but we knew that he couldn’t abide by Uncle Marty’s jokes which included x-rated humor.
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