Senate To Now Be Controlled By Whichever Party Has Fewer Senators In Hospital

Babylon Bee ^ | 03/10/2023 | Babylon Bee

[DFG]

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With aged senators increasingly absent from sessions to treat their illnesses and injuries, Congress has passed new rules giving control of the Senate to whichever party has fewer people in the hospital.

"These people are dropping like flies," said one anonymous staffer on Capitol Hill. "At this point, I think the average age for a senator is around 98 years old. Their decrepit bodies are finally starting to just give out."

Sources confirm that over the last few years, the Capitol Building has become a de facto nursing home to hundreds of elderly politicians who overstayed their welcome decades ago. Tourists in D.C. have reported sightings of confused, babbling geriatrics wandering the halls, nurses rushing to and fro along the corridors, and the repulsive smell of full adult diapers filling the air.

With Democrat John Fetterman and Republican Mitch McConnell both in the hospital, Republicans now have 18 infirmed geriatrics being treated, while Democrats only have 17 — giving full control of the Senate to Democrats.

At publishing time, control had been given back to Republicans after Senator Mitch McConnell spent a few hours under his heat lamp and fully recovered.

[Political Junkie Too]

This isn't satire!

-PJ

[MortMan]

When I saw the headline, I hoped it was the Babylon Bee!

[Brandonmark]

👍

[parmamenian]

I heard they opened an assisted living wong at the White House!

[metmom]

Wait???

It’s really the Bee?

Dang, we should be so lucky.

[wildcard_redneck]

This country is rule by old, senile, perverted criminals.

[metmom]

At publishing time, control had been given back to Republicans after Senator Mitch McConnell spent a few hours under his heat lamp and fully recovered.

Subtle, but nice dig.

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

At publishing time, control had been given back to Republicans after Senator Mitch McConnell spent a few hours under his heat lamp and fully recovered.

Okay. That bit was funny

[NWFree]

Dinosaur Dynasty

[cquiggy]

We’ll never know how many were in drug and alcohol rehab during the pandemic when they were casting votes remotely.

[griffin]

ROTF!!!

[SunkenCiv]

The Bee.

• No Labels secures ballot access in Oregon for 'unity ticket' [03/10/2023]

  ---

• CNBC's Jim Cramer urged viewers to buy Silicon Valley Bank stock last month [03/11/2023]
• What Will Happen When Banks Go Bust? Bank Runs, Bail-Ins and Systemic Risk [03/11/2023]
• Janet Yellen: Treasury Department is monitoring 'a few banks' including SVB [03/10/2023]
• Fintech startup Brex got billions of dollars in Silicon Valley Bank deposits Thursday, source says [03/10/2023]

  ---

• United offers a training program to address the pilot shortage. Its first graduating class was 80% women or minorities. [03/10/2023]

  ---

• 'Biden doesn't care': Ron DeSantis slams President for laughing at brothers' fentanyl overdose deaths and condemns his and Trump's COVID response in Iowa speech to thousands - as 2024 announcement looms [03/10/2023]

  ---

• DeSantis Appears in Iowa as Campaign Manager and PACs Begin Positioning for Likely May Announcement [03/10/2023]
• Desantis srcs leak potential announcement of presidential run, while cuccinelli starts pac in desantis support, and John Fredericks details cuccinelli's nevertrumping dirty tricks [03/10/2023]
• Trump says DeSantis will 'beg for mercy' in Iowa after he once voted to kill a prized ethanol mandate [03/10/2023]