Meet Transportation Needs with High-Speed Rail [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 October 2021 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

This week, President Biden took an Amtrak train to his alleged "home town" of Scranton, Pennsylvania where he boasted of logging two million miles as a rail passenger during his days in the US Senate. "I saved this country millions of gallons of gasoline and the tens of millions of dollars it would have cost me if I had driven myself."

"It's time for the pure selfishness that leads people to take their personal vehicles everywhere they go," he said. "Be smart like I was and take the train. When you arrive at the train station take a taxi or Uber to your final destination. It's simple and efficient."

"As great as Amtrak is, though, we need to look to the future," the President insisted. "The guys who have got it right are the Chinese. They are investing heavily in high-speed rail. We need to do the same if we hope to keep up with them. If we had a nationwide network of high-speed rail we wouldn't be having the supply chain crisis that is blocking the shipment of goods from California ports to the rest of the country. Fortunately, the person I appointed as Secretary of Transportation knows this and will get right on it after he returns from parental leave."

If you missed any of the other Semi-News/Semi-Satire posts you can find them at...

https://www.gopbriefingroom.com/index.php?topic=451879.0

[butlerweave]

Just put drivers in trucks and get it done ,D’oh

[rktman]

Do any of these assclowns have a clue about the size and scope of this country? Thinkin’ NOPE!

[NohSpinZone]

Commies and their choo choo fetish again.

[Half_Retired]

I didn’t know Amtrak stopped in Scranton. Not from Phila.

[ptsal]

High speed rail in the San Joaquin Valley was a real winner..... for lawyers.

[Paladin2]

Joe Stolen would likely steal your personal horse if you had one.

He certainly wants to take your personal vehicle(s).

And plug you into Fauxcy’s Matrix.

[AZJeep]

Amtrack is subsidized, cars pay a lot of taxes.
So no, you have not saved taxpayers anything. The people who drive subsidized you Amtrack extravaganza.

[SuperLuminal]

Yep!
Just like high-speed rail has met the transportation needs in Calipornia...

Guess he intends to bring in hundreds-of-thousands of chicom coulees to get the job done...

Hmmm... Worked once before...

[Fester Chugabrew]

Short bus stops there, 4:10AM.

[Antihero101607]

XM Patriot host Andrew Wilkow would bring up the fact that AMTRAK lost in the tens of millions on food and beverage every year. How does one lose money on an $8 hamburger (if I remember the price right) when you have a literal trainload of passengers that don’t have much in the way of other options?

[mountainlion]

The guy in favor of electric trains left. If you had a way for trains to break even you might have something. California requires special trucks drive anywhere in Kalifornica so they have to pick up a container and drive to Nevada for a regular truck to take it to the destination.

[Dr. Sivana]

Amtrack is subsidized, cars pay a lot of taxes.

The route that Biden takes is actually the only money-making one for Amtrak. The Boston to DC route makes money, but passenger train romanticists keep the New Orleans to L.A. route open, which loses staggering amounts, and others designed to appeal to financially comfortable, older leisure travellers.

In the '70s there were still enough people genuinely afraid of flying that trains filled a need. In the late '80s, some smokers preferred trains where they could still light up. In the '90s, some liked avoiding the hassle of the safety screening in the airport. All those needs or perquisites have been eliminated or faded, so there is really no need for long haul passenger rail outside of the northeast corridor.

[NetAddicted]

Garland said we informally amended the Constitution by electing Biden? AAARRRRGH! I cannot wait 3 years to get rid of these totalitarians. Oops - just realized this article is semi-satire.